8.30.2004

I want my usual!

What is it about breaking up that suddenly leave the heartbroken cleaning everything they can get their hands on. I cleaned my room, my office desk, my closet, rearranged my books, my pencil tray, my cds, my thoughts. And I even made a list of things to do. AS IF I’ll do it. I’m cleaning and reorganizing everything I see as if my life depends on it.

It’s true. I’m cleaning and rearranging everything to save my life. Because I now want to get back to my routine. Falling in-love has made a drastic change in my “usual”. In attempt to get back to the “usual”, I prepare everything for my comeback, only to find that everything has changed anyway, no matter how clean and neatly arranged it is.

Love has invaded everything. My computer, my phone, my desk, my room, my work, the music I listen to, the places I go.

Love is selfish. It fulfills itself and leaves the broken-hearted with the the detergent, the cleaning brush, the broom and the dustpan. It can never go back to the “usual”. No matter how much muriatic acid you pour or even if you bring in the whole Clean House dream team. Everything has become infected … by love.

Give me back my 'usual'. Please ...


8.18.2004

peanuts

thanks to my buddy, Charles Shultz
peanuts, originally uploaded by ilongga70.

I'm a prophet too! hahaha. Or should I say a prophetess. I speak profound truths that no one listens to, except my family (because they love me) and my true friends (because they have no choice). And if there is one word that best describes me it will be stubborn. I need a paradigm shift. A whole new outlook on things might do me good.

8.12.2004

What I really feel

While my writer friend sleeps and have nightmares about me jumping from six floor window (which is by the way suicide-proof), I am tasked to write an essay of 3500 words of what I really feel. Frankly, I don't even know how long a 3500-word essay is because this bloody thing doesn't count till I finish it; and I have no idea where 1000 miles from here means and that's where I'm suppose to be ... bloody hell ... let me just say anything no matter how long it takes. How does that sound, snoring-sleeping writer friend? :)I wish I could hear him snore!


What I feel? hmmmmmm, let's see. I'm pissed because even if I have control over things, I am self-righteous church-going lass who just can't do anything wrong because of principles I'm sure are right (and they might be right only to me). I am angry and ashamed that I have to start dating again. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack - the search for the not-so-perfect man who makes your heart beat like drums of Africa and makes your mind explode to the large possibilities of how wondrous the world is. I hate the thought of guys asking why I'm still not married at my age ... which is just sooooo predictable nowadays. I'm afraid of REGRET (and this is my greatest fear) and afraid that I might just be taking the safe path instead of venturing to the dangerous unknown, being very provincial instead of exploring. I'm sad that all of this never-ending heaven-sent happiness brought about by just two months of selfishness will all come to an end. I'm in agony of having to face life without feeling safe in those arms and not to be showered with all that love and concern. I fear loneliness, and self-destruction, and eating myself to death because of depression (and gain back all those hard-earned pounds I lost from starving, taebo and just being in-love). I dread not being called "honey" again - I'll miss that most of all. I dread listening to any love song because they would now be like arrows piercing every bit of whatever that's left in me. I'd hate to miss those jokes, and the pranks, and the arguments ... especially the arguments. I hate him for challenging me and I hate the fact that no one else would understand me like he does, and push me to my limits like he does. I hate me for being stupid enough to love him, for choosing what's right, for wanting to be safe instead of happy. And I love him, and love him more, and love him most. (maybe if i keep repeating that I'll get my 3500 words!).


Benjamin Franklin said, "Those things that hurt, instruct." I don't know what I'm suppose to learn from all these. Maybe it will dawn on me soon enough. But now, I just hurt. And it just hurts so bad.


And that's how it feels. Happy now?

8.09.2004

Bad vs. good

Ever had the dilemma of having to choose between the bad and the good? It will be an easy choice if the bad is really bad. But what if the bad is really bad but feels so damn good? Then you end up choosing between the good and the damn good which is pretty bad. Because eventually, you will choose the damn good and end up doing what is really bad.

But i'm a good girl, although I have been bad at times but I've been pretty consistent about being good. And although I hate the really bad, i love the damn good. So what do I do? What if I refuse to choose? That is so not me.

I like taking sides, even if it's the wrong side. That way, if I'm wrong, I get to learn something and move on. If I'm right, I can congratulate myself for being right and move on. But what of the bad or the good?

I don't know. It's pretty bad not to choose the damn good.