12.30.2004

My Mondo Beyondo List for 2005

My friend Vee showed me this site and I likey so much that I decided to write my own. It is way better than New Year resolutions. This is a list of improbable things you want to happen to your life, and because they may never happen, there is no pressure of fulfilling them in the coming year. My Mondo Beyondo list. Thanks to Andrea for daring everyone to make this list.

I want …


  • to get out of the country … and enjoy a continental tour
  • to meet the man that brings with him African drumbeats and a sense of wonder
  • a new car … and oh, learn to drive
  • see the leaves of autumn and be able to touch it
  • to be debt free for the rest of my life
  • to be a serious writer
  • a massage (like right now would be nice!) and some serious pampering
  • to cook like Nigella
  • to affect change in the world… for the better
  • to use the word “forever” and mean it over and over and over again
  • to dance and sing more with utmost abandon
  • to finish college and more
  • to be comfortable in a swimsuit again
  • to take a picture of every good thing that happens to me, friends and family
  • to draw and not be afraid to show it
  • to run and not get tired
  • to love going to work again
  • to never have to have beauty standard issues
  • to simplify my life and be content with it
  • HAVE WORLD PEACE AND END WORLD HUNGER!

End of SITC

His name is John. And I mourn the end of the series. Now, what to do on a Tuesday night? No more Sex In The City. Boo-hoo-hoo.

My 3rd high school friendship got married today to a six feet tall, blonde, blue-eyed, Dutchman. They’ll be living happily ever after in the kingdom of Spain. A wedding and two cups of coffee later, with my two last remaining single high school friendships, I started getting sentimental. Started to feel like Miranda with Carrie preparing to leave for Paris. Sad but happy for her.

Three out of six. As Vee said, we have reached the equilibrium. So to preserve the peace, we need not marry. We 3 remaining singletons have thoughts of eloping … just to break tradition. Or since we all have fears of sacrificing our independence, why complicate life with marriage? But then again, we are somewhere between staying in love and getting over an obsession. So in the end, we all might want to be bound to a wedding ring too … in the distant future. In Boracay perhaps. In a red dress … Naaahhhh!

12.22.2004

My Birthday Today

I turn 34 today. And I'm too drunk to care. - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!

12.15.2004

The paranoia begins

My writer friend once explained to me, matter-of-factly, that “forever” was a word used to romanticize time. What it really means is that forever lasts only until the love lasts. There is no infinity there. So forever really means whenever.

He does have a point. It would be unrealistic to believe that love does last forever. But me, being the ultimate naïve romantic, insists it does. With a LOT OF WORK, of course. I mean, we still find extinct old married couples strolling around the park with fingers entwined, right? For love to last, the couple has to be willing to work on it with blood, sweat and tears. Then they make important decisions, pray over it, if possible.

But when do couples decide that they had HAD enough? Wasn’t that a Sex in the City episode? When you hear Sarah Geronimo sing “And if forever's not enough for me to love yooouuuuuu” – STOP HER! Forever ends when one of you has had enough.

Anyway, I’m miserable because I didn’t even have that choice. My boat just sunk. And I have no way to salvage it. It is just over. And although the stubborn, romantic side of me hangs on for dear life, the practical, sensible side of me pries my fingers open and urges me to let go. Sink Girl Sink! Then the paranoia begins.

My beauty-standard issues starts to re-surface. And the confidence that I’ve managed to build up after every heart-break struggles to keep itself afloat. Did he really love me? Was I not good enough? Too fat? Too short? Too Catholic? Too independent? Too clingy? Can’t cook? What was it? … Paranoia.

Was the love real? Was there really an “us” or did I just imagine it? Bf#2 once told me when I caught him with somebody else, that he did love me and meant it … at THAT TIME. Whaaaaa?! Does that mean that he didn’t mean it other times? Which times? … Paranoia.

But why? If I DID know what it was that made him a lot more distant than he already was – would I have been willing to change? Or to compromise? Hmmmmm … (think hard).

And he would probably say, “It wasn’t you at all, honey”. The relationship just was not possible. It was just too complicated. And I would probably agree 1234% because it was all that.

Love last forever. Indeed! It surpasses age, distance, time, language, race and religion. Bullshit! Love only lasts whenever. And it has its limits.

I’m bitter. And I know it. And I need to be. It's for self-preservation. This doesn't mean I will stop saying forever. In fact, I think I should say it more often, just to prove a point. The point being ... ahmmm? ... What is the point? ... Maybe just this: when you say forever, commit to it like your life depends on it. Then maybe no one will take relationships, or more importantly, marriage, for granted. And divorce wouldn't be an option or a consideration.

(Sigh) (Ehem) This too shall pass.


12.14.2004

Death by ... old age

I wonder why I’m so fascinated with death. I try not to fear it because it is inevitable to all living things. But I do hope I will not have a painful one – something quick would be nice. That’s why I prefer death by gunshot than death by drowning. I don’t want to have time to think it over and suffer like Nick Joaquin’s Currito Lopez.

Anyway, a few years ago, a friend once claimed that the “good ones” always die first. JFK and Princess Diana comes to mind. Good - not meaning exceptional or successful. But Good - meaning good in heart and mind, don’t have too many enemies or have lived a life of sacrifice that death would have been the greatest reward to their hellish existence. I guess that’s the theory that inspired the expression: “Ang bait bait mo. Sana kunin ka na lang ni Lord.” (You are so good, I wish God will take you.”)

Which brings me to this assumption that I might self-destruct at age 38. It’s really more of fear … of old age. It’s easy to talk about death now maybe because I haven’t seen my grandchildren, much more my kids … and come to think of it … I haven’t even met the man I’m going to grow old with, or hold hands with while walking in some tree- decorated park. If I had, I might change my mind. You see, I haven’t met anyone who faced old age gracefully. My dad is 74 but he’s not old. Old would be those who need constant care. Those who need someone to bathe them or clean up their poop. Is this being disrespectful? But it is reality, isn’t it? If we are lucky, we will all come to that age. But I’d rather be spared from such humiliation. I don’t really want to die at age 38. I do want to see my kids and grandkids. I want to be able to argue with my husband and make-up with passionate meaningful sex – lol (I sometimes amaze myself at what I reveal here, tsk tsk tsk.) I want to be able to see the world, experience the colors of autumn and marvel at the wisdom of God by counting the white hairs on my head. I want to die knowing I’ve experienced those things – and on the age where I know I’ve been significant. I guess, in the end, if I’m lucky, I hope God takes me when I’m ready. And when I know he could say, “that'll do, pig, that'll do.”

12.12.2004

By the Iloilo River I Sat Down and Spaced Out

Now that the holidays is fast approaching, the need to share it with someone has intensified. Especially with the singles, the divorced, the separated and the alone. And loneliness hangs in the air just like the fog in the early dawn. That's why families suddenly become important in the bussle of Christmas shopping. In the cold temperature, we all seek warmth but where to find it? how to find it?

I'm no different. I find myself staring at the river more often than I'm supposed to. This is my own version of Paulo Coelho's book, I guess. But you see, I'm not suppose to feel lonely. My ex-slash-friend tries to visit me as much as he can and each time, I have to clarify that we are just FRIENDS - in bold, italicized, neon letters flashing. But he keeps treating me like a queen and the switch goes off and I become unresponsive ... sigh ... I feel sorry for him but there's nothing there. I told him that I'm in a place where I can't be reached. Not by him. Not by anyone. A thousand miles away as Vanessa Carlton sings it. At least for now.

Like any other Maria, I look for a significant Juan. And I long for the drums of Africa. I can hear them at a distance, faint but clear, north today, south tomorrow, comforting but unforgiving. I find myself amidst friends, family and princes... one interesting, the other surreal. But none can connect. I AM in a place that can't be reached. My heart's not here. Even God who listens to my every unspoken whim sits calmly and lets me be. "Be still and know I'm God", he says. Yeah sure, easy for him to say, He's GOD.

Hebrews 11:1 says: "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." So in faith, I continue to sit by the river ... alone ... by choice ... yet longing to be with someone.



Note: this is not an advertisement. I'm not that desperate. I hope it doesn't sound like one - lol.

12.04.2004

After Before Sunset

Just came back from watching the Before Sunset movie. And this terrible thought plagued me. What if one serious meaningful relationship manages to screw up one's entire life? I hate regrets. But what if nine years from now, I'll discover that I'm scarred for life and realize that this one magical moment has become standard to all my relationships and they end up BLAH! compared to this African-drum-beating one. Hmmmm ... Pitiful to base one's lovelife in just this single imagery.

Still the film was one great screenplay/movie. And I managed to listen to the whole conversation even when there was little change in scenery. That's why they keep walking all the time, to stop the monotony. But this one I had more difficulty concentrating. There were too many angst.

Life is too short to worry about things that might not happen. So why continue to complicate it?