Finally, an ‘aha’ moment. Brother no. 3 called this morning to talk about my Dad’s cell phone. In the middle of the conversation I started to snivel, then sob. After three weeks of keeping it together, I just broke down and wept. My brother, who had no idea why, panicked (so like a guy!) and I was forced to tell him my not-so-quiet-anymore desolation. He tried to comfort me and assured me that help was coming without me having to ask. The problem with suppressed emotions, once the waterworks starts, it’s difficult to stop. So after hanging up the phone, I had to lock myself in my room and sob some more for about two hours. It was like re-living Gethsemane. I don’t know if it was from being too burdened or PMS that brought about the sobbing. But it felt damn good to finally cry. Fell into deep slumber after that and when I woke up, I had this text conversation with my bro:
He: Help is coming, now cheer up. You’re beginning to sound like your mother and it gives me the creeps. Hehe.
Me: I am sounding like nanay and it scares the hell out of me. But I’m also in her shoes right now because I’m paying the bills. I don’t want to be acting-nanay anymore. Can I resign? But nobody wants to take my place. It’s not funny anymore.
He: You’re not the only one in a tight spot. In any case, our needs are not as compelling at the moment. You better take the help now. You’re doing a good job. Don’t resign. There will always be shitty days likes this wherever you are.
Now, just so you don’t get the wrong idea, my mom was a good woman. She was just a bit too good – a martyr as I have said; and she had a flair for the dramatics – like what generally all daughters see in their mothers and fail to see in themselves. So maybe there are daughters out there who would like to be like their mothers. I don’t belong in that category. It’s not that I don’t admire my Nanay; It’s just that I would rather be me – opinionated, complicated, silent yet loud, weird, unique … me.
My brother telling me that I was doing a good job was the ultimate picker-upper. I guess I just needed to hear it. I don’t like to sound cheesy but this is exactly the reason why I need a man in my life – or at least a best friend. A back-up that tells me I’ll be okay when I on my way to crashing.
I also realized I am not superwoman. Not that I was trying to be one. But being in a habit of trying to solve my own problems, I was unaware that I was desperately trying to be Darna. I was not. There will be shitty days like this. It’s Lent after all. Christ waited for 3 days to get resurrected. It took me 3 weeks, but on the bright side, I didn’t have to die.