2.26.2005

Wish I had a Luke

I always look forward to Saturday Nights mostly because of the Gilmore Girls in Channel 23 at 8pm. I love the sarcasm and the wit of Lorelie and Rory Gilmore who have both manage to live a life of maturity and silliness all at the same time. Tonight, Lorelie and Rory individually found things too much to handle and had gone over their heads looking for solutions. They've been told things that were difficult for them to hear, and the pressure kept packing until they've reached the point of explosion. They kept trying to contact each other for comfort but couldn’t get in touch because of the 101 things that needed to be addressed. So they ended up crying on the shoulders of the two different men they're not used to crying to. Lorelie summed in up by saying: "I always had things under control. And I was alright. But now, I just wish I was married. So that someone can let me have time to take care of my hair, or meet the man with the sink before it gets shipped off to Canada." The episode tonight somehow mirrored my life, and it hit home. Instead of the usual cheerfulness that the series brings to my outlook on things, tonight, it just underlined my desperation.

I long to talk to somebody about this but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to just anyone. There are specific persons for things like this. But such persons are not available, no longer in hand or too distant to be disturbed. So I’m going to the bathroom and drown myself in the sink. Maybe it will wake me up a little and put me back to my senses.

I thought of ignoring my mood with a book but I can’t stand Gregor in his beast-form (Metamorphosis, Kafka) tonight. His hopelessness brings dark clouds to my reality and I’ve thrown the book 5 times already today, in exasperation of his situation. Am I regreting my break-up now? No. Staying in a relationship where I was not happy would just have made this worse. My regret centers around not having that someone to let me have time to take care of my hair. And though I don't have that sink from Canada, if I were married, I could have worked hard to get that sink. (smile) What am I talking about? (deep breath).

So after writing off my silliness on a text message, and this blog, I’m off to sleep. I’m just going to hug my pillow tighter tonight. And wish I had a Luke.

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