It’s 3:12am and I still haven’t had sleep for approximately 18 hours. My body tells me I’m tired but I can’t sleep. Desperate, I started counting sheep at ten o’clock pm but it didn’t seem to work so I tried a different animal until I got Noah’s Ark jumping all over a wooden fence (the snake slid under) but by then I guess I was too entertained to fall asleep. I couldn’t read, for some reason. My back aches from too much lung-burden so I set the book aside and took my pillows to the living room to watch TV in the middle of the night. Saw a full first episode of Lost (I liked it) and a movie with Kate Hudson, bearing the painting of Sainte Ursula, patron saint of young naïve girls. Undoubtedly, they pray for real love or maybe to be rescued from older mature men who break their hearts to pieces. Hmmmmm … sounds familiar. Good thing I’m no longer young, naïve maybe, but young, no.
Finally got tired of the telly, so I moved back to my room in front of the computer, hoping that the Viking is still online. But just as I got connected, my sister knocks on the door and asks for her turn on the net. It was an unwritten agreement that she gets to use the net on the wee hours of the morning since I’m usually asleep by that time anyway. Sigh. So I let her take over and turned off the computer.
This asthma attack sucks. I think it happened last year too and I ended up losing weight and not getting sleep for 48 hours. I wonder how long this one will let me stay awake. I badly want to hear the Zzzzzzzzzzzzs. But (cough) (cough) not this hour I guess.
I went back to the TV, flipped channels and found this Audrey Hepburn movie. But I could put my heart into it because I knew I really needed sleep. Started to stare at the ceiling of the living room for a few minutes. Found the wrinkles of the house there. Paint peeling from roof leaks, cracks and lines that were never there before. Didn’t realize the house could change like that without me noticing. I wondered when it started being like that.
I started to miss my Mom. She would notice cracks like that. Doray and I would sometimes share about missing our Moms. Hers died just this year. And we would share what a totally big loss it is for kids to lose Moms. And it would get us all teary-eyed but we would wipe it away because that’s how strong mothers are and would want us to be. Maybe I just miss her because I’m sick.
So here I am stuck in front of the computer. Too bored to read. To bored to watch TV. Too disconnected to read blogs or check out the Viking. Maybe I just need to drink more water. I’m not much of a water drinker and I know it’s vital when you have the flu but I’ve been drinking my medicines. Sigh. I just want to sleep. Maybe if I start pretending to be asleep, I would eventually fall asleep. Light will be coming out soon. And it would seep through my room and burn my skin and I still haven’t had any blood yet. Come to think of it, I do look rather pale. Like a vampire, I am. With braced fangs.
Ok, I will force myself to fall asleep just in case my mother suddenly appears from nowhere and tells me to get right to bed. I miss her but that thought scares me.
So good morning world! Since I’m disconnected, looks like I will have to post this in the morning when I wake up. If I do get some sleep.