9.12.2005

I am therefore I do

I slept all morning Sunday to regain all the energy I lost running around Guimbal in the rain. But I took good pictures there! When I woke up, I had a sore throat and the makings of an asthma attack. Gargled salt water and took asthma meds. Then I started working at 3pm on a Sunday. It started very slow because a throbbing headache had decided to implant itself inside my brain. I skipped dinner, had coffee with bread at 11 pm and worked till 5 in the morning.

Good thing there’s a jeepney strike today. I had an excuse not to go to work. So I slept till 9 am and then started working again. Finished 10 flowchart banners in pdf form ready to be taken to the printers as soon as I get back to the office. I don’t know why I’m pushing myself too hard. I did promise to deliver and I’m going to. Will try to finish another 10 today – 15 if I don’t collapse from exhaustion.
I told my office partner that I’m afraid people would have complaints about my work so I'm trying to make everything flawless. She reminded me that I can’t please everyone and warned me to expect criticisms among ingrates who don’t understand the complexity of the work. This extra work is not bringing in extra income but since it’s going to be displayed all over the building, I want it to be good. Something I can be proud of. I don’t want to disappoint. Me most of all.

Disappointment. I’ve been hearing about that a lot lately. I hate it when people judge me without really knowing what’s going on inside. Sometimes I makes me want to burst and fade into oblivion. But I plod on. I’m too proud and stubborn. And I don't like that I have to censor my blog because people tend to worry about the things I write here. These are my thoughts. This is my blog. This is the reason why I created it. So I can speak without anyone interrupting me. It's selfish but it keeps me grounded.

I sometimes wonder if I’m a difficult person to get along. I know I have moods that could turn anything into fire or ice. Everyone has days like that. But I generally think that people can get along with me.

Looking back at past relationships, I wonder if I had been difficult. Was it the cause for the break-ups? But I’ve realized that all my break-ups ended with the men (as if ang dami no? hehe) – still in love with me. The reasons for the break-ups were due to more insoluble obstacles – a God, a wife, an inability to provide, a racist government. Or maybe they were not really insurmountable. Maybe I was just not enough.

It’s really my fault. I choose men with too much high ideals. Ideals that even they can’t meet. Or maybe it’s just that I’m too complicated. Too contradictory. And they all say I think too much.

I don’t know where me and the Viking stands. It’s becoming difficult he says. I have no energy to argue or defend myself anymore. I’m leaving everything to fate. I’ve lost sight of faith but I know God is there. I just refuse to see Him because I'm living in my own world.

I just need to love. And be loved. Why is that so complicated? At the beginning of this year, I’ve finally convinced myself I’ll be fine alone. The Viking changed that. I pictured babies with blue eyes. I even dreamt my cooking – hahaha - as if that would be possible!. Poof! As fast as they come, as fast as they go. Looks like I have to re-learn everything all over again. “The world is a circle without a beginning and nobody knows where it really ends” (Lost Horizon movie, Diana Lee and Bobby Van).

Last week was a battle of emotions. I was flailing. I don’t believe I have to pretend that I’m strong all the time. I don’t have to pretend that I have everything together. And I don’t like it that I have to censor my blogs because everyone else seems to worry about me. I’m glad that I have tempers and tears and can be mean when I want to. That makes me all the more human. And I can be more honest to myself that way.

I still believe love is the greatest emotion for all eternity. Pain is just a minor setback. I will look back at this and think that it will be all worth it. For now, I plod on.

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