9.26.2005

Reluctance

Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season
-Robert Frost


I've been talking to a lot of broken hearts this week. One girlfriend is off to Zamboangga to prove a point and to end a relationship. Another girlfriend has started dating a doctor just to scorn a known womanizer. Both know they need to let go. Yet they hesitate.

I'm that too. I don't know what I'm waiting for nor what I'm hoping for. I just know I'm nearing my 5th stage - acceptance. I've been getting so used to the numbness that I can barely feel anything.

It helps that you can drown out any sign of weakness with the help of a CD. My friends and I once decided to make a CD called "Play in case of emergency". It is made up of songs for the broken hearted. Mine starts with Michael Johnson's "Bluer than blue" and denial songs like James Taylor's "If I keep My heart out of sight". Then it progresses to something more maddening like Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" and Vanessa Carlton's "Breathe". Then it goes to other stages of depression like the Bridget Jone's most popular "All By Myself" and "I'll Never Fall In love again". Then you go numb and start singing with Annie Lennox in "No More I Love You's". If you reach the song "I'll be Okay" by Amanda Marshall, then you're good. If you start belting out "I Will Survive" then you're definitely out of the woods.

Had a short talk with writer-friend. He hadn't had any sleep because he had been working all through the night. So his answers were pretty criptic and floaty. But he did say that only the first 100 years of life is the most difficult. The rest would be easy. For some reason, that made me feel better. LOL. I know I will never reach my next 100 years. That reality is somehow insanely comforting because you know this is going to be as good as it gets. And you will have to make the best of it or you die.

Heard that ex-bf is getting married next year; with the best friend of one of my best friends. I would be lying if I say I'm immune to news like that. But I really can't find a word to describe what I feel. I'm sure I feel a certain happiness for him. I hope he's marrying for the right reasons this time. I worry that he's not. Do I regret breaking up with him? The answer is a definite No. I didn't love him, that is very clear. I guess my regret is more that he gets to marry someone else first. And that I'm still alone.

Define irony. That should be my title.

1 comment:

balikbayan_box said...

ay gusto ko rin nitong CD na ito aptly titled Play in case of emergency

musta na?