11.01.2005

Diminishing

"When God wants to punish you, He answers your prayers." (Meryl Streep in Out of Africa).

There's a certain sense of freedom in deciding to love someone yet be free of commitment. No waiting for phone calls. No checking if it's alright to go out any time of the week with just anybody. No clinging or needing to be there. No promises. No false hopes.

But this freedom is also coupled with a sense of seclusion ... a bind ...that prevents you from expressing the real you. So it is still a prison in itself. Because you do want to be needed, to be called, to be checked once in awhile. And you do want promises and hope.

Just when I was about ready to let go, he tries to hold on. He tells me he won't blame me if I meet other guys and yet when I do, he asks if he should be jealous. That makes me happy because I know he still loves me. That makes me sad because that is all it will ever be.

I've been offered 2 dinner dates this past week. I could not bring myself to say yes. And I'm about to hit my head on a wall for it. I haven't been on a date for the past 10 years. The first 8 was spent with a boyfriend I've lost a love for. The last 2 ... well, if you read this blog, you'd know. My sister keeps pushing me to go out. A part of me wants to. A part of me just can't. I wonder if I've started to fear love or any relationship at all. Writer friend once said that the worst prison is when somebody holds your heart hostage and you can't have it back. Me and the Viking should stop talking about love.

Copied from one of of Lolo's old notebooks. (Makes you wonder if he's been through the same things ... unthinkable from someone you envisioned to be too old to be a romantic.)

I WILL DO YOU NO FAVOR ...

If I withhold my voice of anger from you, for your sake,
You, in listening too hard to me will hear more anger than any real voice of mind would have held.

If I curb my raucus ribald pleasure voice for anticipation of your sensibilities,
You will know I have curbed and pleasure will be dimmed and overlaid with grimmy speculation as to why. (What else than pleasure was there that he did not say?)

If I damp my robust affection for you and keep my arms that want to hug you bound at my sides (As would seem more appropriate for those of our station and trade).
Your arms, or perhaps only fingers will twitch too, stifled and pinched off meanly. And perhaps in spite against their mind,
formed shackles will tense to fist.

All that I withhold diminishes me and cheats you.
All that you withhold diminishes you and cheats me.

When we hold back ourselves for each other's sake,
that is no service to either one.
We only collude in the weakening of us both.

5 comments:

Vanessa said...

Go out and have fun! Life is too short to wait around for someone who doesn't know what to do.

:) said...

ka saja kay lolo :D
-V

mellowyellow said...

Don't know what to say as i am in the same position in a lot of ways... Have a good weekend

ilongga70 said...

vanessa, in his defense, he knows. things are just bigger than our heads right now.but thanks for the advise.

ilongga70 said...

i meant way over our heads right now - LOL