2.03.2006

For better or worst?

There are instances in your life that a lot of things are not happening to you but they are happening to the people you love. And because such things also tend to catch you offguard and makes you want to do two things: (1) stiffle a laughter worst than death; and (2) throw something againsts the wall and watch it break to pieces. Somehow, thinking that I can do one of those two makes me feel better already. And writing without a planned path is always therapeutic for me.

Anyway, My Dad at 75 borrows my computer from time to time to write speeches for an audience or just everyday stuff for his sanity. Since he doesn't know how to operate the printer, he lets me view his documents so I can print them. It was then I discovered a letter on my computer written by my Dad for someone else. It's no secret to me that my Dad had loved someone passionately while he was married with my mother. The thing is, I never held it against my father for loving someone else. He stayed with us. To me, that took a lot of sacrifice. Of course, I hated the thought that they, my parents, were unhappy together in all those years they were together. I'm sure they had moments when they were content. But that's exactly why I fear marriage. I don't like to be caught in a situation where I should feel I'm stuck. But I don't know if you can control falling out of love in marriage or falling in-love while married. I've heard of too many real stories. Too many unhappy couples. A married-friend said, you never know your partner no matter how long you've known each other. People evolve. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worst. But who can really judge, which is better? and which is worse? Sometimes separation is the answer. I think I heard that somewhere. In the movie Matchmaker, "Sometimes the easy way out is the right way".

So sometimes I think, why marry at all? Is marriage just a fairy tale of happily ever after? Or maybe I've stopped believing in the power of love?

Living-together is already an accepted notion among my friends living abroad. I don't think I'm all for it yet; because locally, people still had not embraced living together outside of holy matrimony and divorce, na-ah! I still like to believe that marriage is an institution and should be taken only by the brave and courageous. Personally, despite of what I've seen, I'm still anti-divorce. It seems to be an easy way out, and not the right way out. In marriage, it should be the last life-or-death option.

Maybe it's geography. If I'm so afraid of marriage, why do I still want it?

I'm blaming it on Cinde-***-rela. I think Beauty and the Beast is more realistic.

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