3.26.2006

Parasites

Had to do overtime work yesterday to finish a Monday-due presentation. Did finish it while battling with stomach ache and the self-diagnosed carpal syndrome on my wrist which I had wrapped in a splint because the pain had become so bothersome. Anyway, suspected the stomachache to have been caused by skipping dinner the night before. My sister, her co-worker and I watched Syriana Friday night and spent the evening laughing of how difficult it was to keep up. I think I got the gist of it. Pretty good movie. Wonder which part was based on truth. I don't know why George Clooney won an award for it although it was his best acting stint so far. But I know I could point out several more actors deserving that award. He was cute though. Even with the beard. Anyway, we had to get out of the movie house before co-worker's hubby arrives to pick us up. So we ended up skipping dinner and munching on available junk foods. Was too tired to eat when I got home so I ended up with a tummy ache the next morning. Which continued till Sunday. No Kremil-S or Zantac would banish it's pain and my joints were hurting. When my Auntie came over to check up on my Dad, she told me it might not be hyper-acidity. And she suspects a parasitic attack on my stomach. Must have tests done ASAP. Shee-it!

Anyway, it's not as bad as yesterday. But I get a painful reminder of my microscopic tenant every time I open my mouth for a sinful bite, or even just a drink of water. Yup, will have tests done tomorrow. Yup, will drink Yakult, too. Yup, will promise not to buy sidewalk food even if they look good and are cheaper than restaurant food.

3.22.2006

Another day

There's been rumors that the jerks above will be dissolving our office. And it's not that they find no need for it. It's more that we needed to be part of a larger workforce. If they could only give us a permanent boss who knows what he's doing, I'm sure we will go places. But such is our fate. Sigh.

Took a taxi with sister this morning. (yup. I don't like staying mad at people. Too tiresome.) We had a driver who must have liked ballet because he kept swerving his taxi all over the place and must have thought it quite graceful. It only made me clutch my bag more and step on an imaginary breaks. The problem is, I don't even know how to drive so I might be stepping on the gas pedal for all I know. Anyway, with drivers like this guy, I prefer to close my eyes and relax and surrender to whatever happens. Things I can't control are out of my hands.

I realize I've always made it a point to recognize my mortality. I'd like to be able to leave this world without regrets, although sometimes that might be impropable to some. But if I can just keep in mind that I will never know when my time comes, I might as well live like there's no tomorrow. Thus, my fascination with death.

So I'm going to Baguio even if my sisters will not. I might never see Baguio again.

3.16.2006

Pride or Prejudice?

I always loved that my siblings and I are quite open-minded, intelligent (not geniuses really and I'm not saying this to be arrogant), and are capable of learning things on our own with the independence of a lone shark looking for prey. It is this passion and curiosity that brings us together. We can discuss books, films, sights and sounds and wonder at its splendour or it s tragedy; We would discuss mysteries and puzzles and not be afraid to voice out ideas or solutions for fear of being judged as stupid or just down-right crazy. We would investigate our own emotions, talk about it even and learn to adopt and recognize our own weaknesses and idiosyncracies. But when it comes to filial and fraternal relationships, my siblings and I ... we are morons.

There is a planned trip to Baguio this April. My brother wanted everybody to come. Our last reunion was when my mother died and this would have been a great opportunity for us to come together once again - all seven of us plus kids and spouses and Dad. But there are some things that had happened through the years which caused a rift between my siblings. Nothing major. But let's just say it's been a series of disappointments and unfulfilled promises that had unravelled the tight rope and threatening to the collapse the family bond. We could accept this and let go. Blood is still thicker that water. But ... some of us can't ... couldn't.

I ask them, is it pride ... or prejudice? I think they know the answer but nobody is willing to be humble. Arrogance is a disease.

What is the use of intellect if it can't learn love? Yup, we are all morons. And we know it.

I will never claim to be a woman of God. I am an idealist. But I will try never to be a hypocrite. I'd rather be a romantic. I mean, why talk about forgiveness and compassion and responsibility ... if you can't live it?

Looks like it will be half a family in Baguio this April. Too bad. My mom would have loved it.

3.08.2006

Name-me-sis

There are days when I just can't stand her. I thought that being five years older than me would make her more sensible - but boy! was I wrong. Being angry with her takes a lot of energy and it is fueled by all the things she has done in the past. Sometimes I wish I live far away from her or I wish she'd move. Maybe that will improve our relationship.

As I grew older, I've become more patient, more accepting ... but then, there will be days like this. When you wish you don't have to deal with her, when you wish you'd listen to yourself and done things separate from her, when you wish you don't have to face her so you would stop imagining giving her a punch that would collapse her face like a stuffed doll. Sometimes I think she treats her friends better than she treats her family. She is soooooooooooooooooo selfish!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

This love-hate relationship between me and my older sister will take forever. I hope I die before her. That way my resentments will die with me. But for now, I breathe deeply and avoid her like a plague. When I stop seeing red, then maybe I could continue this co-existence that chains us both together because of blood.

You can choose your friends. But you can't choose your family. This is the only thing that appeases me. She will be there no matter what the same way I will be there no matter what. We are chained, locked because God just made it that way. But dammit! I got a right to be angry even if in the end, I will love her till she drives me crazy. I said this and I will say it again, God has a terrible sense of humor.

3.05.2006

Rainy days and Sundays

I'm blue. Been really depressed for some time now and I don't seem to have the energy to do anything. I've been seeking solace in sleeping and sleeping only makes me feel more tired. My sister got a box of chocolates from a friend - 48 pieces of Snickers. For some reason, there seems to be an invisible force that leads all of us to finish it off and not stop till the box is empty. It's been 24 hours, and we've consumed half. I fear looking at the weighing scale. This chocolate addiction is contributing to my low energy. I need to say STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

I need to exercise. I've been looking forward to dance lessons every Friday but the class has been cancelled 4 times during the past month. Sigh. And I've stopped jogging too. I need adrenaline.

(Ding!) Got an idea. Maybe I should turn up my speakers and turn the lights off. I might as well booooo-gie (I know! They don't use that word anymore as they should. Lol). The evening is getting cooler. And I need my adrenaline rush.

3.02.2006

now that I have privacy

I have nothing to write. I wonder if it's because of the absence of an audience? No. Maybe not. I've been busy. Work levels has gone up and I'm so into the process of overseeing everything. It fulfills me to know that I'm useful. I hope that I will always be useful even when I become old and gray.

My sisters and I have been watching Pinoy Big Brother on TV. There's a channel which shows the series 24 hours a day - live. Of course, you have to pay extra to get a better view but we have resirted to seeing shapes with voices moving on screen. We've become so accustomed to their voices, we now know who is who. I am so into the Bianca and Sanjo pair-up. I so like Rustom for finally getting out of the closet and admitting he's gay. I suspect this is the main reason he joined PBB. To finally tell the world who he really is without the world pulling his words out of context. It's the smartest way to reveal something you know you will be judged for. This way, the PBB way, he was able to earn the sympathy of all the viewers. So he's gay. It doesn't make him a bad person. Sisters and I found ourselves glued to the TV, loving Keanna and John, enjoying Budoy's antics. I don't know why but it appeals to all Filipinos. Maybe it's the tsismosa in all of us.

Bad news. Will have no weekend because I have to work :( But I don't really mind. I need the extra income anyway. Life is difficult and money is hard to come by.

Kimberly has been over heating lately. I thought it was because the fan near the processor is not working. I brought the fan to work to have it checked. I was told there was nothing wrong with it so I've been asked to bring my CPU to work. Something I hate doing. But I really don't want a broken computer. It's my life.

Didn't get ashes on my forehead last Ash Wednesday. Didn't go to mass either. Wonder if I've become immune to God. I'm not soulless. But I'm not soulful either.

3.01.2006

New site, new name

Have managed to shake off sisters and relatives tailing my blog. Although I wouldn't be surprised if they find it easy to find me. For now, I remain hidden.

It's been a busy week. So what else is new. Been feeling very energized with all the thinking I had to do. Last night, I went back to sketching. Created two nude drawings from scratch. Surprisingly, it turned out well. I've never thought myself good at drawing but taking the pencil again, well, I think I should just run with it. And I did. Very liberating. Got to do it again.

Talked to the Viking last Saturday. Felt good to have someone just there even if it's not a physical presence. But it's warming just the same.

I'm sooooooo looking forward to the weekend.