Bought myself a computer chair - a red one; one which will hopefully cure the back and butt pains for working late nights which I plan to do for the year 2008. It's quite cheap so I have this fear that cheap chairs equals weak chair. So I keep getting apprehensions that I might topple over or something. Maybe it's feeling fat on a weak chair?
The Viking forgot my birthday. He says not to take it personally because he always forget everyone's birthday. But I'm sulking. I think people who forgets birthdays forget the people they should remember. I don't know if it's childish. I don't mind if other people forget my birthday. But it hits a sore spot when the few people you allow yourself to love forgets your birthday. SO I SULK. And I think I have every right to. And I don't know how long I'm going to sulk.
I was thinking of returning to religion for the year 2008. I mean my friends have made it quite an issue that I suddenly stopped going to mass. And I feel I have no need to explain myself although I know they are very curious about it. I did go to mass on my birthday and my friend's daughter (she's about six years old) asked me the ultimate question:
Pauline: Tita, why don't you go to mass?
Me: I don't know how to explain it to you in a way that you will understand me. Maybe the right questin should be why did I go to mass today.
Pauline: Why did you?
Me: Because it's my birthday.
That doesn't make sense even to me. While I was there I prayed and told God that it was better to pray on jeep rides than on church. It's a personal choice but that is so true for me. And the mass didn't do much for me. Maybe it works for other people - but I don't know why I can't feel God there. Maybe you need to be is a desperate frame of mind or in need of spiritual help. But then again, in those moments, you would probably feel God everywhere when you need him. I love God. I truly do. I feel Him everywhere, even in my asthmatic state. If there's one thing I learned about God, is that he would love me no matter what. He would disagree me with me but he gave me free will, which with his guidance, I would hopefully put to good use. Why am I explaining myself?
Been watching my favorite characters on CD's: Gregory House and Gil Grissom. I also have CD's on Boston Legal and several old seasons of West Wing. I will not be touching my computer as much during this holiday season. Which should be just as well. I need the rest. So I will make my wishlist for 2008 on 2008. :)
Good morning Eastern Hemisphere. I'm off to watch TV till the sunrises. My asthma will not let me sleep tonight.
Celebrated my birthday last Saturday. I turned 37. My sister and I drove to Cabatuan to pick up my Dad and my youngest brother who is home for the holidays. Saw the Iloilo Airport for the first time. And he brought home our favorite brownies unlimited and a Samsung DVD Reader / CD Writer for my birthday! Whooooooppeeeee. You know your a geek when you say whooopee to a new CD writer and day nice to a new blouse.
My favorite part of Christmas is looking for gifts. I don't believe gifts have to be expensive. I just like the idea of giving. Of course, you have to consider the factor of the capacity to give. But me, I just want everyone to get something. My sister and I disagree on that aspect. She wants great expensive gifts for the few. I prefer fun, small gifts for everyone, It was my mother's tradition to make sure everyone opens something during Christmas. It is one tradition I would like to keep no matter how much my sister say it's stupid. I think spreading the love should not be counted on what you give but how much you give.
Oh, I had my hair rebonded for Christmas. It is a 6-hour ordeal and my butt was sore. And soooo expensive. But I love my hair. It is all so worth it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Now, if only I had Angelina Jolie's body, I'd feel like one of Timbuktu's Top Models. :D
Started making a Christmas Card for everyone, but it's too Christmassy to stay in the computer so, maybe after Chrsitmas. A Hppy New Year card for all.
For now, Merry Christmas to one and all.
Burn wounds healing well. Might have some scars but I'll be fine I think. Guess I won't be elephant man anymore. Still contemplating if I will have burn pics in this blog. They are not that attractive but if it were me, I would be curious how it would look - hahaha.
Wasted a whole day at the DFA in queue for a passport that I will not receive in 7 days as their website promised or in 2 days as the region office sign says. It seems that everybody seems to be on their way out of the country judging from the long line of people there, patiently awaiting their names to be called. I don't blame them. As of last night, a German company said that the Philippines is now the 10th most corrupt country in the world. And we are also the third most pessimistic. Tsk tsk. (sings) What the world needs now .. is love, sweet love. It's the only thing that there's just too little of.
I'm playing Christmas songs on my computer but I don't feel a wee bit Christmassy. Oh well.
Was getting ready for a bath last Friday and tripped and landed on the kettle full of water. Boiled water spilled on my lower cheek, neck and chest. I was red as ripe tomatoes and tender as freshly boiled potatoes. OOOOOOOUCH!!!!
It hurt like hell! First aid was a handy jar of petroleum jelly and cold water and ice. My skin looks ghastly. I feel terrible. I feel ugly. I feel stinging pain and wish it would end soon.
I now empathize with the elephant man. But I learned from a National Geographic TV Show (about yawning) that I am more empathetic than most. :) And too much empathy is not such a bad thing. wehehe.
Humor me will you. I need major cheering up.
The diseases of the mind are more and more destructive than those of the body. - Cicero
I took my Dad to the hospital today for a CT Scan. He's been having weird blackouts. All of a sudden he forgets how to use his cellphone when minutes before he was thumbing it like an accountant would a calculator. We are to get results three days from now.
I, on the other hand, have been ordered to get a chest x-ray which I have managed to postpone for nearly a week. I'm having trouble breathing and have an increasing bad dose of asthma which I also choose to forget. It's bearable in the morning but at night, all sort of things worry my mind about my unknown diseases. The worry of the mind is much worse than not being able to breathe.
I am hard-headed like my father. We all are. It's not an excuse.
Launched yet another website. Day after that, I got a call from a prospective client in Los Angeles, USA. A Pinoy architect. And she liked my website! Woohoo hoo! A designer liked my website. Hope all this will not go to my head. And hope that my life will not revolve around this business.
But still, I thank God for all my blessings. :)I couldn't have done it without his help. Amen!
- quit my job and concentrate on my own creative business
- marry the guy i love
- have kids
- leave home and back-pack through Europe
- feed the hungry (all of them)
- create world peace
- make the earth greener
- lose weight
- finish school
In that order :)
Anyway, my Dad called me after a very long day at work to complain about a family affair I didn't want to take part of. The gist is, he wants me to confront this person about a transaction she arranged with my Dad because this trouble is affecting my Dad's health. Normally, I would step in when it comes to health issues involving my Dad. But lately, and I say this with a bad case of guilt, I think my Dad has been using health as an excuse to get what he wants. And I'm getting pretty tired of him complaining to me and making me do things that I really have nothing to do with.
So why do I feel guilty? Because it might really be affecting his health and I just can't see any outward signs of its effect - me being ignorant when it comes to anything medical. And this should be a small favor compared to all the favors I had to ask my Dad to do when I was growing up - and I'm sure there were plenty. And to add to this guilt, I impassively refused to have anything to do with a transaction I know nothing of.
We, however, agreed that I should look into it or at least ask for the why and the what to get a clearer picture. Pero for some reason, I do this with a heavy heart because I don't really want to get involved because it concerns relatives and you know how ugly that could get.
Remember the days when the things that our parents make us do is just the simple things like taking a bath daily and brushing our teeth. Then it graduates into wearing an ugly frock to a ball, kissing people on the cheek even if you don't really know who they are, or taking a course you never wanted to in the first place?
Ay, the things our parents make us do. (sings) Oh when will they ever learn? Oh when will we ever learn?
Does this mean I am losing all my morals by accepting living-in as an option? I certainly don't want it for my younger nieces and nephews if they ever go into a relationship. They are just too young. My reasons are simple. This live-in thing is still a lot of responsibility. It means being responsible for someone else not of your blood. It's just like raising your own kids, only they are much more grown up and can talk back to you. :) Me, I am old. The Viking disagrees with me. But thats exactly how I feel. And I am comfortable being this old.
About morals, maybe I not have any anymore. :) But I seriously doubt it.
It's the weekend. I still remain a recluse. And I don't mind.
But excuses can only go so far. If the wrong done is done repeatedly, it invalidates the exemption. It no longer becomes a "special case". Things just can't be that way all the time. I'm sorry to say this. But it is no longer excusable. I have had enough.
This has got to stop. I've been watching the Biggest Loser. I want to lose weight. And I have also been watching the Starting Over House. I want to change to. So goodbye computer. I am off to et a life. For at least an hour. hehehe.
I'm tired. I really am.
The weather is not helping.
I wish I could just stay in bed and block the world. But even in sleep, my mind wanders.
STOP my little frisky friggin brain.
I have no heart.
I can't afford to have my mind to wander off too.
And I pity Any girl who isn't me tonight.
Wala lang. My pimp of a friend has sold me to lots of possible clients by presenting them my website. Now, they all want one. :D Joy!
And my office monitor has been upgraded to a flat screen. Smaller than the one I used to have, but, hey, I'm not complaining. Look at all this free space to accommodate all my clutter.
And despite of all the work packing in my In Box, I miraculously finished them all. Well, not really all. I did miss one or two minor reports but no harm there.
I will be swamped next week. I have trainings - FOUR! - one after the other. I will give talks and worse, I will have to memorize ANG PANUNUMPA NG KAWANI NG GOBYERNO. Hehehe. Now you know.
PECO was suppose to cut off our lines today. But they didn't.
And I have my third offer to go to Denmark. Opportunities just makes me real happy.
Me feels like Will Smith when he got the chance to be a trainnee to be a stock broker in the movie, Pursuit of Happiness.
I'm broke but ... I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity Any girl who isn't me tonight.
But I can't just now. I have trainings left and right. My Dad keeps asking me to do stuff for him that he is certainly capable of doing but just want to avoid. And he keeps forgetting he can ask his six other children to do it for him. My officemates keeps asking me questions they already know the answer to, but need to ask anyway. The maid, the maid is driving me nuts! I suddenly really hate the world right now.
I wish everybody would leave me alone because I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I like helping people, but sometimes I just really want to be left alone.
SHUT UP PEOPLE! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Incidentally, I've been watching a lot of the TV series Criminal Minds. I won't make a good Profiler but I wonder ... if I have the makings of a serial killer.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Anyway, my sisters and I have been watching this TV series called "Brothers and Sisters". It's all about the Walker family and how their lives is affected by each other's struggles and triumphs. It's quite funny and entertaining. I've been trying to figure out which sibling I was. My younger sister said I was the second son, Thomas. And she was the gay lawyer-brother Kevin. I agree. I don't like confrontations, I don't speak much and I pretty much keep to myself. Not very colorful compared to the other siblings maybe, but I don't really mind. I find John Wheadon cute. But Rob Lowe is perfect - well, at least the Senator he plays. Too perfect though.
Ako ay may sariling mundo. (I have my own world). And I like it that way.
I'm off. Two days overtime and I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. House again. Bye.
Today I went to look at old blogs I have not visited for a long time. Celibate in the City was a favorite. Reading it again has made me want to blog again. I should do it more often.
I miss the Muslim. I miss the Viking. I know I can contact them and they will be there for me. But I don't know if I can. I don't want to get too attached. It is always difficult to let go.
Anyway, I plan to blog a little each day and tell you about my life as it is now. Boring and uneventful as it may be to others, it never is in my mind.
I want to become a writer, for myself. I want to become a photographer for myself. But in real life, I am so much more. Hehehe. I love myself too much.
He has a wife and eight little piglets.
- From a Bugs Bunny Cartoon
Had dinner with my nieces and sister a few days ago. It seemed like we haven't talked for a long while because we were so into it that we never got to mingle with anyone else at the party. Very impolite maybe but we didn't really care then. We were too engrossed in our conversations. Anyway, totally enjoyed listening to musings and ideas that are unique to mine.
Two of the questions my niece asked of me was this: Don't you want to get married? Don't you want to have children?
My answer to the first question, was very lame excuse of course. I do want to get married. I do want children. But I have this cinderella syndrome that my prince charming will have to sweep me off my feet and carry me off to the sunset - no horse, on a car, on a bike, do we have to walk? I really don't care. I just need to be swept off my feet. And although that has happened to me several times in my lifetime, it never lasted long enough for me to marry the guy. I have had five proposals, three of them from just one guy. But I couldn't bring myself to say yes. Marriage terrifies me. And it still does. Now that I am "ungodly" - meaning I no longer go to church, I am more sure that I will never get married ever. It's just not in my book. I feel that I will feel trapped somehow and never be able to get out. I did say that I was too selfish to marry anyone.
To the second question, which is the main reason for this post. I saw disappointment and heartache in my nephew's eyes today. And I really can't stand it. I do want to have children. It's the cowardly part of me that says I wouldn't make a good mother. Of course, I probably will. At the back of my mind, I don't know if I can stand it if for some reason, my child's heart gets broken. I cry at the littliest of things. I hate weeping for myself and I really can't stand weeping for my kids. So I'd rather be a coward.
So you say, don't you want to experience fullness of life? I do. I do. I have experienced love and loving and had no regrets. I have nieces and nephews and I break every time they get broken. It might not be the same as being a real mother or wife. But I know a part of it. And I know that if I really get to meet the real thing, the prince charming who probably snores, doesn't look or dress like a prince but makes me laugh and hear African drumbeats, then I might actually go through everything I fear here. I will marry him and have his eight piglets.
I know. I contradict myself.
As you grow older, and get more responsibilities, you get exposed to situations that have blurred edges. Black and white has become different shades of gray. What is legally right may be morally wrong. What is financially beneficial may prove to be an emotional strain. What is perhaps right can be at other times wrong. Thus, the blurred edges, the masking of black and white.
I decided on the morally right thing today. That right, right now, feels emotional and financially wrong. But that has always been the case isn't it? The right is not always the most popular, and the most popular may not always be right.
Alas, to me, there is no more black and white. It's all in different shades of gray.
Feel sad to read the last Harry Potter book. Love how it ended though. Very adult. It's like watching a very long coming of age film. I so love J.K. Rowling for writing the book(s). I hope she writes something more but the first seven didn't disappoint me. I remember that I started reading Harry Potter when nobody knew about him yet. But look at him now. It's like seeing a child grow literally.
I'm redesigning my website for the third time. Sometimes I want so many things to happen all at once and forget that simple is better and that I just need to be patient. Sometimes I think I have so little time to make my dreams come true. Sometimes I forget that although I could do anything, I must accept my limits too.
Life is so slow nowadays. I don't know if it's the rain.
People figure I crossed the line. The truth is there is no line. There's only your life, how you mess it up, and who is there to save you. Or who isn't.
Mothers support certain illusions about their children, and one of my illusions was that I liked who I was, because she did. When she passed away, so did that idea.
You can be a mama's boy or a daddy's boy. But you can't be both.So you cling to the one you think you might lose
Kids chase the love that eludes them.
A child should never have to choose.
and here's more:
When he went blundering back to God,
His songs half written, his work half done,
Who knows what paths his bruised feet trod,
What hills of peace or pain he won?
I hope God smiled and took his hand,
And said, "Poor truant, passionate fool!
Life's book is hard to understand:
Why couldst thou not remain at school?
- Charles Hanson Towne
You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie Pie
You're my Cuppycake, Gumdrop
Snoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my Eye
And I love you so and I want you to know
That I'll always be right here
And I love to sing sweet songs to you
Because you are so dear
Anyway, to make up for the empty month, let me give you a run-down of what I have been doing all June.
June 10. Survivor Tijuana Episode 18.My niece turned 18 and her parents threw her a huge birthday bash at Tijuana, Survivor style. My sister, the event planner, filled the restaurant with bamboo torches, and flaglets. Everyone showed up in shorts, sarongs, and their best castaway look. My niece, the sole survivor, showed up in hot pink fuschia bikini and shorts, her body painted with leopard spots, her hair frizzed and beautiful. Except for the assumptionista ilonggish, she would have made a convincing Amber. It was great fun. All her friends did was squeal and shout and laugh. The band was great and played reggae all night. I learned to appreciate vodka and learned much later that it cost 75 pesos per bottle - wehehe. Poor sister-in-law who had to pay for all our booze. Still, it was an inidication of things to come.
June 15. Nanny Funeral. We said good-bye to a cousin's nanny, one who has been part of the family since I was born. She was nanny to everyone and will be remembered. We had very little time to prepare for this one but we stopped to say good-bye.
June 24. Thriller Wedding.My cousin's wedding. We (the cousins on my father side) spent the weekdays before the wedding practicing for a surprise dance number with the bride and groom. To the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller and the Saturday Night Fever's Disco Inferno. Oh maaaaaaaan! We have the moves of John Travolta. The disposition of Michael Jackson. And the outrageousness of our last name - hehehe. I tell you, we rocked! We had the crowd standing in the first few bars of the intro. It was the most fun I had all month. Our dance troupe was made up of doctors, professors, an event planner, housewives, medical technologist, liturgist and a certain Vice Chancellor of a very prominent university. Yup, it was thrilla! Wahahahaha.
Anyway, will have another dinner this Friday. Then I might be able to get some rest and focus on m new clients. It has been a swell month. Despite the lack of sleep, I will remember this particular June.
Went to the mall today. Left the seminar early and wandered around like a lost puppy. First thing I did was buy a cheap book on Visual Basic. After learning all about ASP.NET, I realized I need to brush up on my programming skills. And since I'm a jack-of-all-trades dropout, I need to work harder than Com Sci graduates who don't really like to be programmers but have the diploma I want. Anyway, at the back of my mind, I'm beginning to think that my business will outlive me. So the second thing I bought is notebooks for my college nephew. He has to be prepared for college. And I've already told him that he will inherit my computer.
Next stop was the shoe department. I really wanted to buy shoes. Now that my small business is picking up, there is a need to look presentable to clients. And although I have a good set of passable wardrobe that I hardly use (mainly because I don't like to dress fancy - I prefer comfort), I still need a few more things to spice it up. But looking at shoes today, all I could think of is the 2G flashdrive I wanted and the router I have to pay for. So I ended up without shoes, but bought something for my nephew that erased any craving to buy anything else. :) I was rewarded with a wdie grin and unlimited supply of hugs. I think that would last me till his next birthday and Christmas even- hehehe. I know. I spoil him too much.
At work, things are a bit rough. Relationship are tight but strained. A lot of disagreements. I realized that this is what it means to be older. I wonder, if we were younger, we would have let things like this slide and not take things personally. Now, we get affected by the littliest things. I used to be afraid of growing old. I used to feel the stress my parents had when they were having tension at work. And I used to say how difficult old people are. I'm there now. I guess, the older you get, the more set you are in your ways, you become more adamant when it comes to your principles and you get easily emotional about things. I can't change my age. But I hope I can still keep my disposition young, my temper in check, my emotions objective and my opinions ... MY opinions - hehehe. They're mine. I don't think anyone has the power to change that. I just proved that I am really old.
About age, I keep telling people I'm 37. I forget that I turn 37 when the year ends. Maybe it's preparing the self for getting older.
I've also been juggling three jobs for the past 6 weeks. I have my daytime job, my after-work part-time job for my former Brit boss and I have my after-part-time-job business with my doodle web and graphics. It is a bit stressful. But I am actually enjoying myself. I love interacting with my clients. I love the opportunity to learn. I love love love what I do. Viking once asked me why I work so hard. I told him that it doesn't feel like work most of the time and that work stops me from thinking that I don't have a lovelife - hehehe. And it's no so bad. Not yet anyway. I miss sex though - hahaha.
(Wide grin). I'm not enthusiastically happy. But hard as it maybe to believe - I am happy.
I got my validation. I'm doing a layout for a cake brochure. It's something I always wanted to do and always seem to do for free. But now, I will get paid to do it which is soooooo cool. And my client just told me that my price is too low. She says "selling good taste is not cheap." Hehehe. I love being praised - hahaha.
I hope this business flourishes. Was it in the Alchemist that said that when you follow your dream, the world will conspire to make that dream come true? I think the world is now in conspiracy. I'm getting a free training on .net on Monday. Yey!
Almost done with the website. So I'm going to have some free time on my hands finally. And more time to read. My nemesis comes and goes so stress has gone down to a minimum. And my partner-in-crime has returned from a long vacation so that helps a lot. My Brit boss and wife will also be returning soon so my part-time job will soon be over too. Just the prospect that I will have nothing to do already bores me to death. And there's got to be something wrong with that.
Anyway, I miss Gil Grissom. When is he coming back?
Was very angry about not being listened to by someone I feel strongly to be an incompetent @#$%^&. I hate it when someone will not listen to reason and pushes their own ideas for their own benefit. I hear their voice, and my blood pressure rises. I find it ridiculous. And I find @#$% points irrelevant and insignificant in the issues being discussed. We were making protests without research and consultation which is absolutely stupid! And I find it more ridiculous that only I have the brains to point that out. I guess I should have kept silent, but why should I? How can we correct a wrong by being quiet? We ask for change and yet we accept it without understanding it? It's common sense people! If you want change, you have to make it yourself! I will not be the one to forever hold her piece if that piece is big enough to affect a whole Godamn building! I know I might get in trouble voicing out my opinions but all I really want was just to be heard! Why can't you listen????!!!
Before I have a heart attack, I'm going to stop and eat leaves.
From Paolo Coelho's Warrior of Light:
The warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and makes these decisions with courage, detachment and-sometimes-with just a touch of madness.
It's 87 degrees today. My brain is dried up and I can't seem to move an inch without dropping sweat. I carry my electric fan wherever I go. And I can't get myself to work if I feel hot. I take baths two times a day now which is ironic because there is a water shortage. I get headaches if my head heats up.
My boobs are tender and hurt. I don't know if its a warning that my period is getting near. Or it's reminding me to take that operation. Maybe it's just the heat.
I feel like I finally took a step forward and got blown away and found myself reeling two steps back. I was saving my bonus for the operation and for paying for the router. The income I will be getting with doodle was planned to invest on stuff I will be needing for the business. But looks like it will all slip away from my fingers. I also haven't been paid for the overtime work (two of them) I've done for the company this April. I just can't seem to get by no matter how I try. Maybe I just feel more depressed than usual. I haven't done any serious shopping for a long time. I am angry ... because I can't do this. And I hate it! I really hate it. I just want a new pair of shoes. aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh!
I really wish that just this once, I will be spending things on myself. Not on the house, or groceries, not on drinking water, not on the maid's wages, not on phone bills and business investments, but on my selfish, I-don't-need-to-take-care-of-anybody SELF.
I'm not going to Denmark. I think I knew that even before I admitted that to myself. I have too much too give up here. And I don't know if it's wise to live there.
It's labor day today. Isn't it ironic?
Anyway, my younger sister's computer broke down. It probably can't handle the dsl speed. And my older sister's lap top crashed. So I'm the only one left with a computer. Which means, I will need to share it again.
I have no drive to study this week. I get asthma attacks early mornings which makes me feel real tired at work. I have books I want to read but don't feel like reading. Just feeel bored.
I'm watching yet again, the movie Thomas Crown Affair. Yesterday, it was Pride and Prejudice. I tell you, there is something about the British that fascinates me. Maybe it's the accent. I mean, most of the British I see on TV are real interesting, distinguished and intelligent. I wonder if they all are. I even love Billy Elliot.
I'm bored. I will just have to look forward to the Spiderman movie date on Wednesday and the Labor Day holiday. I hate being bored.
The good news is I finally got the router configured - after swearing at it and slamming doors and missing American idol. So I'm feeling super-doooper proud of myself that I can follow instructions without hurting anyone. Hehehe. So this means, I can just start my computer and be online any time of the day. Without having to see Weng sulk because she had to get offline. Without having to wait for someone to get off the phone to get to my blog ... blogs ... I have five. With so many, I just maintain one religiously - that's my secret secret blog that anyone smart enough could probably find anyway.This finch one is just for ... hmmmmm ... for public use so I can get feedback from people who go to my doodle website. My secret blog contains all the dirty laundry and everything I write in my other blog goes there too. A repository of all my weirdness. So I keep it away from prying eyes.
Anyway, got my first big client. For a remarkable sum of 5,500 pesos. Hahahaha. I knew I was not going to get rich by following my passions. But they are passions. Web and graphics design make me happy. And if I earn by doing it, then that would be really great. A validation that I have aesthetic and common sense - which I sometimes doubt in myself. But I once said to a colleague, I do it because it's fun. The moment it ceases to be, it then defeats its purpose. And pursuing it would be ... futile. Because it will not give me joy.
I sometimes think that all this talk about happiness is over-rated? But, it's this simple philosophy really that makes me want to live longer. I'm the kind of person that needs meaning, purpose, joy in life. I guess most people do want that but can't seem to have it. Me, I want it more than anything else. And the rest of the world ... is just something we just need to appreciate and enjoy because God put it there for that particular purpose. Very zen don't you think?
The problemn is, my sisters now want a piece of my computer. I don't really mind but I really hate it if I have to wait to work till they finish on my computer. I hope my sister gets hers fixed very soon.
By the way, we went to Lombuyan, San Joaquin yesterday to witness a small tradition. Young men rides on horses and try to shoot their fingers on rings hanging on a line across the road belonging to the young ladies of the village . At the start of the race, they already have one particular ring in mind. If they do get the ring they want, they win a chance to be the first to court the girl for the whole summer. One friend said I should have brought my own ring.
Anyway, with DSL, I might be able to blog some more. Oh happy! Oh glee! Oh joy!
The business is picking up but sad to say, I still find it difficult to get a client to pay the price I want. Everyone wants cheap labor and instant results. Nobody seems to want quality work anymore. Numbers are important they say. I know numbers are important to me. I do want to get enough for all my trouble. But working is not exciting anymore if I have to count on money more than fulfillment. I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. I will get there. I just need to build a reputation and a steady clientelle. Sigh. I knew it was going to be hard.
Look! I'm in good company: Another Girl At Play
Anyway, a new vector. This time it's of Liam, the small impish Canadian guy that visits the office often, steals my apples, give out tight hugs and big kisses. He turned five a few days ago. Click on the image to see website for bigger view.
The best part is I get my reading time back. Current read is "The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy:
"Ammu said that human beings were creatures of habit, and it was amazing the kind of things they could get used to."
"It is curious how sometimes the memory of death lives on for so much longer than the memory of the life it purloined."
"It was a time when the unthinkable became thinkable and the impossible really happened."
New vector art to come soon.
Just finished a seven-day exhibit at SM City with my Photo Class sponsored by Camera Haus. I unexpectedly won third place over-all and bagged 1st place in the Festival Category. I used shots from my point and shoot Canon Powershot A400 – probably an obsolete camera. I was competing with very expensive DSLRs, which to win was quite magnanimous. Anyway, I got a 3,000 gift certificate from Sony for the third prize and a 500 pesos Sony gift certificate for the Category prize. It would have been useful if I can afford a DSLR but I still can’t. So I might just settle for a tripod and some batteries. Here are my shots:
And with that, I have started helping out for yet another exhibit of Iloilo heritage and illustrious leaders. That kept me busy even till late morning. I haven’t returned to my normal sleeping hours yet.
I’ve also been assigned to help out on games for family day. I was exhausted last Monday. And asthma on the brink of exploding.
And to add to that, it’s the campaign period. And I get jobs left and right for campaign posters, stickers etc. etc. I should be happy that I’m getting added income, right? But it sucks. I get soooooooo tired that sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it. And I’m being paid below my business price. And I hate myself for settling. I should learn to say no. No no no no. Why is that so hard to say?
So I should just put up my feet and rest since it’s Holy Week. But I can’t. I have last minute jobs which will probably take me three days to finish and conceptualize. I dug my grave. All I have to do is lie in it.
So I’m blogging while I can.
By the way, I’m watching a new TV series that I highly recommend to single 30ish women living everywhere. It’s called Number One Single starring Lisa Loeb in ETC. It’s like missing SITC and I really like Lisa Loeb. Wonderful eclectic girl.
I bought an all in one card reader by the way. One more dream come true in my wishlist.
My sentiments echoed. I'm posting it here so I could read it again and again every time I would feel guilty for charging clients for my services. I work pro bono too but I can't do it all the time. I have to pay my bills too.
Post from CraigsList
Every day, there are more and more Craigs List posts seeking “artists” for everything from auto graphics to comic books to corporate logo designs. More people are finding themselves in need of some form of illustrative service.
But what they’re NOT doing, unfortunately, is realizing how rare someone with these particular talents can be.
To those who are “seeking artists”, let me ask you; How many people do you know, personally, with the talent and skill to perform the services you need? A dozen? Five? One? …none?
More than likely, you don’t know any. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be posting on craigslist to find them.
And this is not really a surprise.
In this country, there are almost twice as many neurosurgeons as there are professional illustrators. There are eleven times as many certified mechanics. There are SEVENTY times as many people in the IT field.
So, given that they are less rare, and therefore less in demand, would it make sense to ask your mechanic to work on your car for free? Would you look him in the eye, with a straight face, and tell him that his compensation would be the ability to have his work shown to others as you drive down the street?
Would you offer a neurosurgeon the “opportunity” to add your name to his resume as payment for removing that pesky tumor? (Maybe you could offer him “a few bucks” for “materials”. What a deal!)
Would you be able to seriously even CONSIDER offering your web hosting service the chance to have people see their work, by viewing your website, as their payment for hosting you?
If you answered “yes” to ANY of the above, you’re obviously insane. If you answered “no”, then kudos to you for living in the real world.
But then tell me… why would you think it is okay to live out the same, delusional, ridiculous fantasy when seeking someone whose abilities are even less in supply than these folks?
Graphic artists, illustrators, painters, etc., are skilled tradesmen. As such, to consider them as, or deal with them as, anything less than professionals fully deserving of your respect is both insulting and a bad reflection on you as a sane, reasonable person. In short, it makes you look like a twit.
A few things you need to know;
1. It is not a “great opportunity” for an artist to have his work seen on your car/’zine/website/bedroom wall, etc. It IS a “great opportunity” for YOU to have their work there.
2. It is not clever to seek a “student” or “beginner” in an attempt to get work for free. It’s ignorant and insulting. They may be “students”, but that does not mean they don’t deserve to be paid for their hard work. You were a “student” once, too. Would you have taken that job at McDonalds with no pay, because you were learning essential job skills for the real world? Yes, your proposition it JUST as stupid.
3. The chance to have their name on something that is going to be seen by other people, whether it’s one or one million, is NOT a valid enticement. Neither is the right to add that work to their “portfolio”. They get to do those things ANYWAY, after being paid as they should. It’s not compensation. It’s their right, and it’s a given.
4. Stop thinking that you’re giving them some great chance to work. Once they skip over your silly ad, as they should, the next ad is usually for someone who lives in the real world, and as such, will pay them. There are far more jobs needing these skills than there are people who possess these skills.
5. Students DO need “experience”. But they do NOT need to get it by giving their work away. In fact, this does not even offer them the experience they need. Anyone who will not/can not pay them is obviously the type of person or business they should be ashamed to have on their resume anyway. Do you think professional contractors list the “experience” they got while nailing down a loose step at their grandmother’s house when they were seventeen?
If you your company or gig was worth listing as desired experience, it would be able to pay for the services it received. The only experience they will get doing free work for you is a lesson learned in what kinds of scrubs they should not lower themselves to deal with.
6. (This one is FOR the artists out there, please pay attention.) Some will ask you to “submit work for consideration”. They may even be posing as some sort of “contest”. These are almost always scams. They will take the work submitted by many artists seeking to win the “contest”, or be “chosen” for the gig, and find what they like most. They will then usually have someone who works for them, or someone who works incredibly cheap because they have no originality or talent of their own, reproduce that same work, or even just make slight modifications to it, and claim it as their own. You will NOT be paid, you will NOT win the contest. The only people who win, here, are the underhanded folks who run these ads. This is speculative, or “spec”, work. It’s risky at best, and a complete scam at worst. I urge you to avoid it, completely. For more information on this subject, please visit www.no-spec.com.
So to artists/designers/illustrators looking for work, do everyone a favor, ESPECIALLY yourselves, and avoid people who do not intend to pay you. Whether they are “spec” gigs, or just some guy who wants a free mural on his living room walls. They need you. You do NOT need them.
And for those who are looking for someone to do work for free… please wake up and join the real world. The only thing you’re accomplishing is to insult those with the skills you need. Get a clue.
My doodle website is now online. Can be found here. Read and hire me. I'm in dire need of income. Wacom aside, I've got bills to pay. My brother said I tend to live beyond my means. If I examine it closely, I'm not really. But I'm taking care of a household with people who's lives I can't afford - bwehehehe. Sigh. We get by. Barely, but we do. I just hope that this business explodes because it could help a lot. Like send my nephew through college. Wouldn't that be nice? Big dreams for big small people. If it can happen to Jennifer Hudson, who knows, right?
Been a busy week. Work is ... grrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Getting a bit overboard but managing nicely. I had lots of things to blog - I think of them during the night before I go to bed. But when I get to my computer, I can't think of anything to write. So I guess you will have to make do with nonsense and scraps here and there that are not really interesting but comes straight up from the mind to the fingers. Just like this.
Have to attend photo class tomorrow. We're going caving. And I can't afford it anymore. But I can't ... don't want to give it up. I miss the days when I was so simple minded, TV is my only entertainment. Now, there's too many of them to count. And there's only one of me. Sniff sniff.
I lost 2 pounds and gained it all back the next day. Dang it!
I want that Wacom tablet!
I'm dropping our conversations in the trash can. I'm taking your picture off my frames, your picture cards off my wall. I'm deleting your name in my messenger list.
But I'm keeping your email, your book and your camera. Soon you'll be a memory as you should have been for the longest time.
I'm through hating. I'm in pursuit of happiness.
"The most interesting thing about heart transplants is that one completely loses his own heart and be replaced with someone else's yet still has the feelings for the same person he/she loves. This proves that love works in the minds of people and not in their hearts. Bottomline is, love is a state of mind. You'll learn how to forget only if you try doing so .." - Dr. Burke, Grey's Anatomy.
Hmmmm ... One does not completely forget love even if he/she tries doing so. Kahlil Gibran once said that love consumes itself. So even if the mind chooses to forget, the heart may continue to remember. And the mind will have no control of it. Even with a different heart.
This is how I see it. "Love is not a function of emotions but the decision of the will". I don't think there are any organs involved. Just soul, spirit, being.
From the Postsecret website.
My sentiments exactly. Am I a masochist? bwehehe. As I said before, laughter and tears are my two most favorite emotions.
I wonder. To be in a relationship, do you have to call each other everyday? Is it important to spend time together? Who should call first, the man or the woman? Is it normal that you don't find a need to talk to him unless you really feel lonely?
What Valentine's Day?
My latest vector art. Created using Photoshop CS2, a mouse and a few hours of free time. This is my sister. She's 35 year old and a single Mom. I'm pimpimg her all over the world. :)
My sister didn't like the drawing. She said I made her look sad. I told her I just draw what I see. Now she demands for another vector with her smiling. Told her she will have to wait till I feel like drawing again. I don't think she'll like anything I draw. LOL.
If I have time, I'm going to learn Illustrator.
It's 3 a.m. and I just woke up. Have been catching up with the Sex In The City Marathon. Trying to watch all the episodes I missed and reviewing all the episodes I love. I kept wondering if my cynicism about relationships all evolved from watching that series. But no, not really. I realized a lot of it originated from my own parents' marriage. And I guess partly from the people around me. I was talking to office buddies the other day during lunch. I voiced out a fear that I'm not really wife or mother material. My boss assured me I am and that I'll make a fine wife. But I don't know. I can't even take care of myself. How could I take care of a husband? Much more a child? But he said, you learn these things eventually. It's like riding a bike. The more you do it, the more you become great at it. (Sigh). So I guess I just have irrational fears about marriage. Or maybe I just need to meet the right man. My right Atticus Finch. He can't be that rare, can he? Is he some mythical creature I cooked up from reading too much books?
By the way, I've been doing a lot of walking this past week. My sister and I have made it a habit to walk home for a certain distance. Monday, we made it from the Capitol to Jaro Plaza. Another day, we walked to SM City. Once we made it to Molo Plaza and once to UP. Sometimes, it's a 30-minute brisk walking. Sometimes, it takes an hour. It would depend on the shoes we were wearing that day. For most times, we change into rubber shoes and walk the distance withoug talking to each other. We get lost in our own world of mp3s. So yes, we plan to keep doing this till the rain starts pouring again. I love walking. This might be the only exercise I'll ever get. ;)
Been partying all Saturday. So I spent my Sunday as a vegetable. Watched TV, read my current exasperating read, The Undomestic Goddess which I throw on the wall once in a while, and tried to finish the Nude cross-stitch now going on its 3rd year I think. And I finished a website proposal which I will probably refuse to touch for months again. So much for wanting change. I got to go.
Speaking of red, renewed ties with the Viking. The kitchen looks great ... and according to him is midget friendly (that would be me!). He has also fixed his roof, and has showed me the whole house and what he plans to do when I get there. His plans keep getting more real, fixing this and that. Preparing this and that. We seldom get a chance to talk. The time difference is exhausting. I'm too tired to get online when I get home. He wakes up too late to catch me. So our talks are short as they are sweet. I still find everything so unreal, but I was always the doubting Thomas. I need to see proof before I decide on anything.
While I was baking under the hot sun, my sisters were having a Sex In The City marathon. So I just catch the few episodes when I get home. I realized I missed the show and all the pondering all 30 something gals do to make life more complicated. I tell you, I am more of a SITC girl now than I was two years ago. My yahayah friends can attest to that. And yes, I still am not sure if I'm the marrying kind. Watching the series has convinced me of this.
Short IM from ex-bf. An indecent proposal from a married man. Hehehe. Tempting. I did say I want to try anything at least once. But no. I can still manage to fetch a bit of morals when circumstances calls for it. I have a feeling that the experience with the Crow has changed me. I'm no longer sweet. I'm not much of an idealist when it comes to relationships. I've become somewhat of a realist. And have somewhat become very arrogant about it. I like what I've become. I never want to be cinde-fcking-rela ever again. The Kkkkkk-katie girl is definitely much more fun.
From the Esquire/Marie Claire 2007 sex survey, the most powerful aphrodisiac is…
In my fear of gaining a lot of weight because of my asthma meds, I've been trying harder to be aware of what I eat and the activities I do. Yesterday, in an effort to control or minimize the weight gain, my sister and I decided to WALK home, literally. That's about 6 kilometers of road. With our running shoes and armed with mp3 players, we walked all the way from the Capitol to the Mandurriao Branch of Iloilo Supermart. When we got there, my sister begged off and we surrendered to a Tri-sikad driver who drove us the last few meters to our house. It was not as tiring as I thought and I felt energetic when I got home. It took us about an hour, taking shortcuts at the Iloilo Sports Complex, and followed the airport runway in Taft North. I've done long walks before but this is the first time I really walked home from work. Because of this, we've started to get ambitious. Today, we will be taking the Molo road and see where it gets us. :)
I have deadlines all over the place. I have the Dinagyang activities to deal with too. And more logos and monograms I could handle. I love Photoshop, but sometimes, there's not much room for anything else.
And I hate being disappointed. I was expecting a multi-media card, an mp3 player for my nephew and some new DVDs. But I didn't get any of it. Oh, well. But I really hate getting disappointed.
Re: my new blog title. I am still into Atticus Finch. If I can't find my real Atticus, I might as well pretend to be a Finch - hehehe. I like the new blogger format. I have yet to experiment more with it. But this will do for now.
Ok, now I'm getting that cup of coffee.
Anyway, I'm up and bored. I've managed to revive my non-existent social life last week by actually going out of the house. Had dinner with female friends - one last hurrah before we send off another one of us back to white soil. Ended up having coffee and laughing our asses off. Really miss going out.
I need to get back to bed. Good night.
I cannot decide on a lesser evil. As far as I'm concerned, everything is evil. Nothing tyrannical is pure and good. Maybe it's the idealist in me. But I can't bear not taking sides. And I can't bear not having a choice - but that's exactly what it is ... no one is the lesser evil.
And one more thing, and may I say this with all candidness, I HATE MY FEMALE BOSS! I miss my teamwork. I miss the exchange of ideas. I miss getting credit for the things I DID and not having someone claim it for their own! I hate that I've become a secretary, instead of a person who could make change happen. And because of this, I HATE GOING TO WORK!
Good thing I am safe at home, smoking my Ventolin nebules and reading "The Devil Wears Prada". I am far from the hullaballoo. I've been sick for three weeks, absent for two days and getting my healthy dose of steroids. So I cannot be thin this month. My meds will not allow it. And my pockets will not allow me to go to Kalibo for the Ati-atihan for Photography class. And I can't pay the maid's salary if I don't get mine.
This is in response to the Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell word war. Do I take offense when I'm called fat? Yes. That is an honest truth. I am overweight. My bmi says I am. Am I fat? Yes. Having to hear it from other people sounds more harsh than saying it to myself. But then again, if I don't hear it, would that push me to do something about it? I don't think so. I don't think I'd really care if people won't mention it. I might start to think I'm normal than I really am. But being overweight makes it more difficult for me to move. I know I would be more comfortable with my body if I lose a few more pounds. But I also find it difficult to lose weight if that's what all people see about me ... my being fat. The more people call me fat, the fatter I become so it seems. But maybe they can't help it? So yes, I do take offense that people call me fat. But I also must keep in mind that it is how I see myself too. The truth will sometimes hurt. Sigh, me need to be thick skinned too. I just keep thinking if people in Oprah can lose 200 to 300 lbs., why can't I lose a measly 30?
My boss ... she's returned. She's not so bad really. But she's not the team player that she claims she is. That's exactly what we were before she came back. And I'm afraid that now that she's taking the reins, we will all be moving in slow motion and without any direction except hers. And we won't have a say on how things should be. Because she tends to dictate more than she delegates. And we would become more robotlike and less productive. Sigh. Maybe I'm just fearing the worse. But this change saddens me. And I hate to think that I won't be so excited with projects than I was when we were a team. The Mission Impossible Squad. I am starting to miss our long table discussions.
The third rock from the sun is sending me a cellphone. :) I assume he has read my previous post about me needing a cellphone. Okay, maybe this blog is not income generating but it has its perks - HAHAHA! (sings:) Do a little dance, make a little love, have fun tonight, Yeah!
I've been on and off the rice. I haven't been eating much anyway. Everything tastes life cardboard. If I had my way, I'd diet on coffee alone. But of course, that would be bad for my asthma. I've been coughing too. But that didn't stop me from cleaning my room and re-arranging it. Now, my room has a very small island (hehehe). I have more space, and I have divided it into sections, like a work area where my computer, cameras and other hobbies are. And I have my sleeping section where my bed and my books are, and my clothes section, where my closet, shoes and bags are. The island is at the center, where all the sectins are combined into one. To think that I have the room the size of Harry Potter's closet - hehehe. I like it ... for now.
A friend loaned me a 512mb DDR RAM. ;) It works nicely in my computer. He said I can pay him when I raise the money. Yey! My Christmas wishlist really works. My old phone also stopped working. I think I over-charged the battery so now I can't turn it on. My Dad let me borrow his other phone but I'm sure he'd want it back soon. Which goes to say, I need a new phone. That, or buy new batteries. I'm leaning on a new one. But the truth is, I don't really care if I have a cellphone. Friends and family will just find it harder to talk to me without it. And that will be their problem, not mine. hehehe.
I dreamt I was getting married again last night. This time it was with a Chinese guy I haven't even seen before, inside a church. It was a better wedding. And it was a better groom - not somebody I'm head over heels in love with, but more polite, more educated, more ... well, better than the last dream. But before the ceremony starts, I find myself running for the door yet again. There's a pattern there. Am I really that afraid of getting married? Would I be afraid to get married even if I meet the right guy? Or maybe I just don't want to be married ... ever. Hmmm - I'm blaming my parents for this trauma - hehehe.
To make matters worse, I caught my sister’s cold. I am now trying to tamper it with orange juice and lots of water. My nose is all clogged up and my throat feels like sandpaper. I wish I could just go home and sleep but I can’t. I have plenty to do at work.
My old boss has resurrected. Which means I will probably have lesser work than I used to have but will not see the results I want. But I guess that’s ok. I really can’t do the job she could so I might as wel stick to what I know best. So I’ve been busy these past few days updating her with all the going ons of the past two years when she was assigned somewhere else. I fear that the camaraderie and the teamwork we had while she was gone will all go to waste. But I hope, I really hope that it could improve now that she’s back
Saw the first few episodes on Grey's Anatomy. There's an on-going debate among my sisters and my nieces. McSteamy vs. McDreamy. I'm still partial to Burke ;)
Spent New Year's Eve at home watching fireworks in the darkness of night. We had a blackout a few minutes after the clock turned twelve. The whole residential area had no lights except for the sparks lighting the sky like diamonds. Which was quite enjoyable to watch.
I went to mass too. New Year's resolution? Ummm - I'm not sure yet. I'll see how long this goes. My friends punished me for not going to mass the whole year by making me eat a whole bar of cadbury chocolates. I tell you, it is not much fun if what you're craving for is potato chips. :) The sisterhood night-out is as always therepeutic and was quite a blast. It will be another year till we can do that again. Sigh.
I'm back to work. Which was quite welcoming because I was getting really bored back home. We didn't celebrate the fiesta and we hid at my brother's house the whole afternoon to avoid fiesta-visitors - hehehe.
And I started a secret blog too ;) which would explain why I was not here to greet you as soon as I felt like writing. I'm also thinking of changing the address of this blog, but I might lose all my previous posts with this new blogger beta thing. So, I might keep this one. My Mundo Beyondo list still applies for 2007, the oink oink year. Happy New Year everyone!
I’m not going to sugar-coat the evils I’ve done. I know I will only be lying to myself. Last night, had chicken and broth for dinner - no rice. Skipped breakfast in the morning but had my morning coffee and couldn’t say no to the slice of cake my boss gave me (I liked it, and yes, I don’t want to say no to good cake - more importantly when it’s your boss offering it to you - had one slice). Lunch was batchoy and orange juice. Gave a third of the Batchoy to my friend Butchoy. Sharing is good for the health. Oh yes, had sugar-coated peanuts (hehehe) and my afternoon cup of coffee. A working girl needs brain food and caffeine to keep on going. My back aches from too much editing. But I like it.
So much for sugar-coated everything
So this is it. I tell myself this every year but I keep hoping that maybe, this year will be it. I’m really desperate to lose weight. I now weigh 60 kilos (132 lbs.). That weight has been consistent for the last three years but my friends keep telling me how big I am. So maybe my weighing scale is no longer dependable. My pants are after all, tighter than they were used to be and I find myself buying clothes a size bigger than I used to be. So, that should wake me up right? God! I hope so! I keep picturing Gilbert Grape’s mother and I’m so afraid I will be soooooo big that I would too ashamed to leave my own house. So this has to be THE YEAR.
Plan is to walk 30 minutes a day, decrease intake of sugar, rice, bread, potatoes and pasta for at least a week then try to do without it when I can. And I know I need to exercise more.
Today is day 1. I skipped breakfast. Had coffee. Had a full lunch: chicken estofado, 1 cup of rice (I know! I know!), soup and banana candy (Duh!). I hope to skip dinner tonight. It’s not very healthy, I know that. But this is just for today when I’m very determined. I need to keep my sense of humor about me because I don’t want to be a pain in the ass when I’m losing weight. I’d rather be a nice person than a fat person any day. But yes, there will be evil spawn days and days where I won’t really care but yes, I do want to lose weight. That’s my number one new year’s resolution. And this year, will be the year.