12.30.2007

hmmmm

Two days before New Year and I'm sick with asthma which makes me quite depressed for some reason. The strange thing is that I know I have to take medications and even took steps to buy them, but I haven't taken them. Maybe I'm waiting for it to get worse so that I will be forced to take them. I hate medicines. I only learn to love them when I'm getting well :)

Bought myself a computer chair - a red one; one which will hopefully cure the back and butt pains for working late nights which I plan to do for the year 2008. It's quite cheap so I have this fear that cheap chairs equals weak chair. So I keep getting apprehensions that I might topple over or something. Maybe it's feeling fat on a weak chair?

The Viking forgot my birthday. He says not to take it personally because he always forget everyone's birthday. But I'm sulking. I think people who forgets birthdays forget the people they should remember. I don't know if it's childish. I don't mind if other people forget my birthday. But it hits a sore spot when the few people you allow yourself to love forgets your birthday. SO I SULK. And I think I have every right to. And I don't know how long I'm going to sulk.

I was thinking of returning to religion for the year 2008. I mean my friends have made it quite an issue that I suddenly stopped going to mass. And I feel I have no need to explain myself although I know they are very curious about it. I did go to mass on my birthday and my friend's daughter (she's about six years old) asked me the ultimate question:

Pauline: Tita, why don't you go to mass?
Me: I don't know how to explain it to you in a way that you will understand me. Maybe the right questin should be why did I go to mass today.
Pauline: Why did you?
Me: Because it's my birthday.

That doesn't make sense even to me. While I was there I prayed and told God that it was better to pray on jeep rides than on church. It's a personal choice but that is so true for me. And the mass didn't do much for me. Maybe it works for other people - but I don't know why I can't feel God there. Maybe you need to be is a desperate frame of mind or in need of spiritual help. But then again, in those moments, you would probably feel God everywhere when you need him. I love God. I truly do. I feel Him everywhere, even in my asthmatic state. If there's one thing I learned about God, is that he would love me no matter what. He would disagree me with me but he gave me free will, which with his guidance, I would hopefully put to good use. Why am I explaining myself?

Been watching my favorite characters on CD's: Gregory House and Gil Grissom. I also have CD's on Boston Legal and several old seasons of West Wing. I will not be touching my computer as much during this holiday season. Which should be just as well. I need the rest. So I will make my wishlist for 2008 on 2008. :)

Good morning Eastern Hemisphere. I'm off to watch TV till the sunrises. My asthma will not let me sleep tonight.

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