There are days when being the primary bread winner in the family is so much like carrying an anvil in a backpack while trekking through ice in Antartica. I'm having one of those days. A quick death would be relief. Life is giving me a major headache right now. It shouldn't be this hard and burdensome. I shouldn't be feeling this tired. I should have more fun.
A friend of mine and I were talking about death the other day. How we are soooo ready for it. I told her that feeling like this might not be a healthy thing psychologically. It's like we have a death wish and we're daring it to happen. At this point, I really don't care. I have done things I wanted to do. My goals in life are simple. My wishes that haven't been achieved will happen when they happen. I don't want to depend my happiness on them happening because I'm not very good with disappointment. If I should die today, what happens after that will not be my problem. They can just burn my body in a big can and scatter my ashes in the front yard. I have left an unsophisticated written will somewhere in my dairy because Neil Gaiman says it's important to do so. I don't have much so there's nothing much to give away. I also have left instructions on how to deal with whatever things I may left hanging. I'm good to go. So is there's really something seriously wrong with me if I do this?
My friend and I agreed that we will both be very good this year on the premise that good people die young (smirk). We will try to be good. We will be sooo good that sana kunin na kami ni Lord. I know. It's depressing and morbid. But so was Catcher in the Rye by the late J.D. Salinger but everyone loved it.
Do I care if I go to hell or heaven? Hell, yeah! But I also believe in a forgiving God. And I haven't done anything remotely sinful since I stopped attending mass. Okay, let me rephrase that - nothing on the list of the ten commandments. Okay - that's not necessarily true either - LOL. Let's just say that with the things I've done, God will send me to where I truly deserve to be. I believe in a just God at the very least.
This depressing post is brought yo you by the movies Hurt Locker, It's Complicated, The Blind Side and Up In The Air - very good movies by the way. And by Hershey kisses too.This is something chocolate can cure. Sigh. Mom said there will be days like this.