11.13.2010

Waves of hate

It's been awhile. Everything just feels off-tangent these days that I couldn't find the time nor inspiration to write anything.

Today, I encoded data for ten straight hours without eating anything. I know I didn't have to do it but I was compelled to. Anger is a strong motivator albeit a dangerous one. I realized now how much I could do with that much focus.

I wish the circumstances or at least my motive was more honorable? No, that's not it. I wish there was less resentment but the events that has transpired during the week had made me emotional and rage was inevitable.

So I forced myself to sit there and type with just one goal in mind: the quicker I get the job done, the more distance I give between me and a certain person. That reward to me drove me hard enough not to stop or think about anything else but achieving it. It also helped that I was moved not to rest when I hear her voice.

I was in rage. All I could see was red. When it manifested itself Thursday evening, I cried out of sheer frustration that I CANNOT, WILL NOT, WANT NOT to be like her. I hate that she's spreading lies and rumors about me. I detest that we can see her hidden motives and others cannot. I hate that when she spreads these lies, we are not there to defend ourselves. I hate that she's making up stories about my friends and manipulates people to get sympathy but most of all, I hate that I hate.

Hating her has become an obsession. The sound of her voice irritates me. Her mere presence makes me want to smack her. I need to put as much distance between us as fast as possible. It's not healthy. And having this much hate does not make me happy.

How can I let this go if I know she's going to keep hurting me like this? How can I stop hating?

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