11.29.2010

Working Break

Hi folks. Been pretty hectic for awhile. After the concert, things didn't really stand still like I expected it,

My younger brother arrived with the future wife and we have exciting plans for their wedding souvenir which I will be working on in the next month or so.

Then I had family dinners which are a never miss bit occasions coz I have this one big crazy family with a great sense of humor.

And then I fell in-love with a book - but that calls for another post entirely.

Then there was this trip around Panay with my Coop. We went from Iloilo, to Capiz, to Aklan with an overnight stop-over to Boracay (I have a henna tattoo to prove it), then off to Antique and back in Iloilo in 48 hours or so.

I slept the whole Sunday and woke up only to catch the Harry Potter movie.

I'm awake quite early today and my mind is filled with work and projects to do. I'm excited again, a product of separation from my computer and my workload for at least a week. I needed that.

No deep philosophies to share today. Sometimes it pays not to think at all . The trick really is knowing when not to. And planting that idea in your brain so it knows when to stop. Sort of like Inception :)

Or maybe I'm still dreaming. Hehe

11.15.2010

Letting God

I've been carrying around a lot of anger these past few months that it has consumed me. It's no wonder that I feel tired and heavy all the time. And what's worst, I think I was also responsible for feeding that anger or allowing people to add to it.

It's timely too that this Friday, we will be having a Reunion concert of the church group I so dearly love. No matter how much I question religion and its practices, I still believe in a Catholic God and I worship him in ways I feel is right to me. In the end it's all between you and you're God. So after practicing for the concert last Saturday, I realized that I can no longer carry this resentment with me. I needed to let God. Hehe. Good thing he is All Mighty right?

So after working late on a website Saturday, at 3am, I poured out all my anger in prayer. I felt I needed to cleanse myself of all my resentments. It was bloody. LOL I had a lot of reasons to be angry. But being angry gets me in more trouble now and it's making work more burdensome. So I'm letting God carry the burden for now. These things take time to heal but I will battle hate this week. I cannot forgive yet. That will take awhile. With all that had transpired, it may even take years. But I will try to be less vindictive. And I will be more patient with this person and with myself. God cannot make miracles overnight.

I feel so blest with friends and more blest with family. I have everything I need. I think I'm surrounded with a lot of goodness and goodness begets goodness. I shouldn't let negativity take the best of me.

For now, all I can do is avoid negativity. I cannot promise to be silent when I think something is wrong. But I will stretch my patience longer. And I will try not to let my anger rule me. I will let God.

The kids will be singing this song in the concert. It's my mantra for the week: LOL.



I know I sound boring when I get all prayerful LOL. Maybe we just need to rest from all the profanities for now. ; ) Profanity will not help my dancing -haha.

11.13.2010

Waves of hate

It's been awhile. Everything just feels off-tangent these days that I couldn't find the time nor inspiration to write anything.

Today, I encoded data for ten straight hours without eating anything. I know I didn't have to do it but I was compelled to. Anger is a strong motivator albeit a dangerous one. I realized now how much I could do with that much focus.

I wish the circumstances or at least my motive was more honorable? No, that's not it. I wish there was less resentment but the events that has transpired during the week had made me emotional and rage was inevitable.

So I forced myself to sit there and type with just one goal in mind: the quicker I get the job done, the more distance I give between me and a certain person. That reward to me drove me hard enough not to stop or think about anything else but achieving it. It also helped that I was moved not to rest when I hear her voice.

I was in rage. All I could see was red. When it manifested itself Thursday evening, I cried out of sheer frustration that I CANNOT, WILL NOT, WANT NOT to be like her. I hate that she's spreading lies and rumors about me. I detest that we can see her hidden motives and others cannot. I hate that when she spreads these lies, we are not there to defend ourselves. I hate that she's making up stories about my friends and manipulates people to get sympathy but most of all, I hate that I hate.

Hating her has become an obsession. The sound of her voice irritates me. Her mere presence makes me want to smack her. I need to put as much distance between us as fast as possible. It's not healthy. And having this much hate does not make me happy.

How can I let this go if I know she's going to keep hurting me like this? How can I stop hating?