Last day

Received a Christmas Card from a long lost friend plus plus plus. We haven't talked for months. The card was unexpected and the short note that came with it is - ugh! (tug heart strings) endearing. Just when you thought you've found peace, the waves roll in. ;) I think I like my life when it takes a tumble. Chaos is not my element, but here I am welcoming it with mixed feelings. Yup, I so love Christmas cards from long lost friends +++.

As promised, I'm posting my vector drawings of my nieces. Sorry if you find it so small but I also wanted to tell you that I've become a deviant :) and will start posting my drawings on my DevianART space. I've posted one of the bigger pics there too in case you want to view it. You can access the link here.


A word of advice to little kids out there who loves to read, never ever read the Chronicles of Narnia and the Series of Unfortunate Events Series at the same time. I'm doing just that and one tends to overshadow the other. I have such high respect for CS Lewis. I'm not sure if the movie ruined the book for me but it pales in comparison to Lemony Snicket. But I've seen that movie too and I still liked the book. There's a difference in writing styles. I don't know. Maybe it's the timing. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe reminded me too much of Christ's crucifixion - hehehe. And the Magician's nephew - too much of Creation. I should just read one series first then go to the next. The Chronicles of Narnia are ruined for me - all because of the Bauldelaire kids. Not even Aslan can change that.

Going out with friends tonight for therapy. Will celebrate the last day of work this year with wine and song. :) A belated Merry Christmas to everyone and a Happy New year too.

Oh almost forgot. My braces were removed two days ago. I am now metal free for 4 days. I will be fitted with retainers this Saturday and that will remain till my dentist have fixed all my fillings and caps. And that will empty my pockets some more - can't believe the cost of fixing teeth nowadays. But I love my teeth. Yup, it was all worth it. ;D


Christmas Wishlist 2006

When I made this list last year, everything on the list was all improbable. But I got 5 out of ten on my list last year. A lot of them were not what I really asked for but they came close and fulfilled my need for them. So I'm making a new list for 2007.

1. Peace on Earth, Goodwill to men!
2. Multi-Card Reader

3. DDR RAM 1Gb for my Photoshop creations and a new computer while I'm at it
4. Canon EOS latest version

5. Canon lens to go with my camera

6. a new cellphone. Mine is extremely antiquated.

7. a new pair of Levis - I miss my old one
8. Paint my room
9. a homemade work-table. Had my friend draw me a perspective plan for my room. I need 3000 pesos to make this come true.
10. a car or a bike or anything that would let me travel on my own

They tell me I'm old

It's my second debut. My friends say I should throw my second debutant's ball. I said no need. I've been celebrating my birth everyday by living. Naks! Hehehe.

Most of my friends tell me not to worry about aging, or on getting more wrinkles, or remind me that I am old. Hahaha. I'm not worried about getting old. I'm more worried about thinking old ... but that part, I can control as long as I still have all my senses with me ... and a lot of self-humor too.

I now have 7 strands of white hair at the top of my head. They've somewhat become more visible. They tell me I should dye it black. I said I'm keeping it white. That way I can still count them. :) If a good majority turn white, then maybe I'll consider dying them ... white. (hehehe.)

Happy Birthday to me!


Depressingly Empty

The fridge is empty. There's practically nothing in it but water. I have 300 pesos left for food and we have nothing to cook tonight except sugar - hahaha. And I just have enough allowance for two days. Problem is I have to go to Pototan tomorrow for Photo Class and need to contribute 200 pesos for my community's Christmas party. LOL. It's not exactly "living on the edge" but yup, I'm edgy alright. We've been assured of a bonus. Of just how much this is and when exactly they will give it remains a mystery. But even if I do get the bonus, it will just be enough to pay for the dentist, the maid's 13th month pay, the ham I ordered for Christmas, the mp3 player I promised my nephew and my birthday blow-out at work. What to do about gifts? No gifts. That's the only solution. And no Christmas either. Sigh. So what else is new? I feel sad about this but hell, I should be used to it by now. Things hasn't changed. They just tend to get a lot worse. I have an extreme need to pig-out and pretend I'm rich. But as they say, reality bites. And as always, it bites in the ass. I try to conjure a feeling of how lucky I am that the typhoon didn't pass my way, that I still have my house, my computer etc. etc. But shit! I don't feel none of that crap today.

I discovered Sims by the way. To update you, my bachelor is becoming suicidal, my roomies are fighting over who's cleaning up what, and my rich housewife just burned down her kitchen. Hahaha. That should be funny, right?

Reading two books: Bergdorf blondes by Plum Sykes and Can You Kep A Secret by Sophie Kinsella. Truth is I find both shallowly entertaining. But right now, I really can't read anything dramatic and sad. I'm opting for picker-uppers. But the truth is, the above books are really lousy! I don't don't know. Maybe I have something against women who like brand label shopping and think that a man would complete them. OMG! I might be really depressed and I don't know it yet! (insert Ordinary People theme here) The books are a far cry from J.D. Salinger's Catcher On The Rye - (I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this book) but they keep my mind off other things. So yes, I'm sticking to reading them.

Oh yeah, I spent 3 days making vector art of my three nieces in Photoshop. I figured that if I could get them printed in large format, I could give them as Christmas gifts. The girls just had their rooms painted. I hope this would be a nice addition to teenagers' room. I'll post smaller versions here after Christmas and tell you if they liked it or not. They will have to like it because they're not getting anything else from me. hehehe.

To laugh when you are down is to lose your mind. Maybe it's just the effects of the dog bite I had years ago. Or maybe this is just who I am?


Joy to the World

Hehehe, makes me feel all Christmassy just singing this song. If anybody has a copy of this song, please let me know :) Don't you just love William Hurt in the The Big Chill?

Jeremiah was a bullfrog,
Was a good friend of mine,
I never understood a single word he said,
But I helped him a drink his wine.
And he always had some mighty fine wine.

Singin' joy to the world,
All the boys and girls now,
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea,
Joy to you and me.

If I were the king of the world,
I tell you what I'd do,
I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the wars,
And make sweet love to you.

You know I love the ladies,
Love to have my fun.
I'm a high night flyer in a rainbow rider.
A straight shootin' son of a gun.
I said a straight shootin' son of a gun.

Joy, to the world, all the boys and girls,
Joy, to the world, joy to you and me,

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Joy to the World (Hoyt Axton))

"Joy to the World" is a song written by Hoyt Axton, and made famous by the band Three Dog Night. The song is also popularly known by its incipit, "Jeremiah was a Bullfrog". The words are nonsensical. Axton wanted to convince his record producers to record a new melody he had written and the producers asked him to sing anything for words. He sat down and put these words to the tune.

Three Dog Night's version went to number one on the pop music charts in February 1971, and was on the band's album Naturally. It was also released on their albums Around the World With Three Dog Night (1973), Joy to the World: Their Greatest Hits (1974), The Best of 3 Dog Night (1982), and Celebrate: The Three Dog Night Story, 1965-1975 (1993).

In the 1990s, former Three Dog Night lead singer Chuck Negron recorded the Christmas carol "Joy to the World" and playfully included a few lyrics from the Three Dog Night/Hoyt Axton song -- coming to a full stop in mid-song for the line "Jeremiah was a bullfrog."


So much for up and down

him: tell me about u
me: im a cynic
me: how about u?
him: i am a romantic
me: good for u. any luck?
him: let us hope for the best. so tell me
me: tell u what?
him: any thing u like. anything u feel pleasure
me: i like to listen
him: great. i appreciate. hat is a great quality of listening and sign of intilligentia
me: thank u. what do u like?
him: in fact i like u. one of the qualities i am finding person
me: really? did my profile pic get me in trouble again?
him: no. never
me: which qualities are those?
him: one u have disclosed, other are many when time comes i will tell u. wait till such time. ok
me: im not very patient
him: then u r not good listener
me: good point
him: yes. hats off to rectifying ur weakness
me: thanks. so what r u up to?
him: it is my plesure. come to the point. ask me straight away. i am fair minded person
me: of course. times a-wasting
him: be open. be frank
me: i thought i am
him: no pain no gain. no, u r not
me: ok
him: ok. i know u r clever person
me: u can tell that with just a few sentences?
him: yes. again u have to wait for u r turn
me: wow, u must be very talented
him: no doubt in it. many more are there. u have noteced one only. now the great stars on the war
him: where do u live
me: i live above the equator, in asia
him: ok
him: can u specify the area
me: u will have to wait ur turn
him: location? definitely. in fact it is immaterial to me of area. since u r woman that is enough
me: i totally agree
him: great. i told 2 stars on the war
me: what do u mean?
him: u consider yourself stubborn and i am not less than that. u got what i mean
me: what does have to do with stars and the war?
him: to unite each other. love and war both are fair
me: they are. but only when u want to get involved
him: definitely
me: i dont want to get involved. im not the type
him: but a magnet attracts only iron. type will be moulded
me: some types cant
him: r u married
me: no. im not the type
him: u will be made type what i need
me: i dont obey men. i never had. i never will
him: according to my choice
me: LOL. u give urself too much credit
him: then u r not woman
me: says you
him: definitely. i am the supreme
me: u r what? well, u r entitled to ur own opinion
him: man is the creator of the nature. i am up. u r down
me: so much for gender sensitivity
him: if there is no gender sensivity there is no meaning of creation
me: just because im woman doesnt make me less a person
him: i never made u less. u r equal to me. u will be my partner with equal right
me: but i am down and u r up? what does that mean?
him: equal opportunity
him: man is always up. that is universal phylosophy
me: LOL. it is men like u that reminds me never to get married. that is ur philosophy. it may not be entirely universal, not in my world anyway
him: but personally when u come in to contact in body relation u will be thankful to God for this life. in fact u will pray God u need more lives to come as woman to this world. ok
me: u just lost me
him: i never lost u. in fact u r very close to me. really u r climbing the ladder. u r learning. to me during these 34 years u did not come across the right person like me. that is what u missed. wasted 34 yrs. nobody won with me. then how can u
him: any how many thanks for lovely chat
him: take care
him: have nice time
him: wish u all the best
him: pray for u r wisdom
him: cia

I tuned out after "u just lost me". I guess, I wasn't such a good listener. LOL.


In Your Face

gloat [glōt]
be smugly happy: to feel or express smug self-satisfaction about something such as an achievement, a possession, or somebody else's misfortune

Microsoft® Encarta® 2006. © 1993-2005 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

Is it sour graping to be irritated of in-your-face gloating?

This GIRL called me all the way to Passi just to brag about the cameras she had received from her grandmother. She kept repeating, "Nahisa ka? Nahisa ka?". And to add insult to injury, she would say "BEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!", like a juvenile infantile 20 year old would.

YES, I envy her. YES, I wish I had a living grandmother who would buy me those things. YES, I hate it that she has all these cameras while having one good one is all I really want. BUT I hate it that she has to keep gloating all over my face as if I'm scum. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

She did that when she lost weight and I didn't. She did that when she won in a contest and I didn't. She did it when her mom bought her this expensive camera and I still has my old Olympus. I think she does it in every opportunity she gets, as if gloating would make her superior and more lovable. (Vomit! Vomit!) At first, I thought she had every right to gloat because she had all those things. As if by just being her, she earned everything. NOT!!!!!

I HAD ENOUGH. If she gloats once more, in my face, I will have to SMACK HER!


Off to Passi today

To attend my cousin's funeral. I hate to say it, but I'm looking forward to it. It's not the saying goodbye part, but the getting together as a family part. One of the top ten things I value most in life is the presence of family. Even in our saddest moments, we have managed to pull through. And sense of humor is vital for seeing the bright side of life.

I've been attending the wake for the past week. Strangely enough, it has been one of the most enjoyable wake (if there is such a thing) I've been to.

Goodbye cousin. We hope you find peace in the other side. And thanks for bringing this family together.



Advance Photography Class starts today. I think I like our small group. I also think it would have been much more fun if our old group were all there too. But change is constant and so it is with our class. I welcome the new faces. That always mean new inputs. I'm looking forward to new photo opportunities. And more importantly, more challenges. Egos will balloon again soon.

I attend a photographer's club meeting - my first. We were celebrating two birthdays of two very kind and nice people, so personally, in my end at least, attendance is a must. And like all artist, photographers too have the habit of showing up their best and most recent accomplishments. For a while, it was entertaining. Watching all shots of professional and non-professional photographers is, for me, the amateur, a learning experience. But like all artists, photographers take pride in their work ... and thus have large egos to boot. Some are humble enough to keep quiet and let their pictures speak for themselves. Those are the photos I found most impressive. Because they did not explain it. Photos should speak for the photographer because that is their voice.

But there are egos that are just ... well, overpowering. And infuriating. There's this one ego I can't stand. I think he likes listening to himself talk so we let him. He seems to know a lot about everything. For awhile I was curious, then I was bored, and then I was losing my mind. He wouldn't stop talking and always manage to bring himself up in any conversation. I hate to be like that. I wish I had someone who would keep me in check in case my ego balloons itself to kingdom come.

Hehehe. Egos. Sometimes you just have to deal with it.


Don't take my sunshine away

A friend said I should post something. I agree. It's been a looooooooooooong week and I'm looking forward for at least one day break. Which will come tomorrow. But that would depend on a lot of things.

My cousin died last Sunday. And as customary and normal behavior in all families, we gather and grieve, and as unusual and strange in my family, we laugh away our sadness through ironic jokes and frank observations. We find strength in being oddly funny. Its just the way we are. So I've been spending my nights at the wake. Sometimes coming home late or a bit late, depending on the itinerary I will be having the next day. I'm exhausted and on the brink of an asthma attack. But some things are just not meant to be finished or done at just the right moment. Move on. One foot after the other. That's just how it works.

My niece will be out of the hospital within the week. She's still not fine. She's well ... but we might have bigger problems in our hands.

Today I met another client for a website. My second so things are picking up. Yup, it pays to advertise. So I plan to finish two web templates by next week, God willing.

I also need to select 30 pictures I took to write on a cd for Saturday for a photographer's gathering. I need it to apply to a certian photography club. And I have a Photo 2 class on Saturday. My room is a mess and that needs cleaning. My book is halfway read but haven't had time to read anything. Javascript still awaits. Hmmmmm ... too many to-do stuff. I should make a list like Cyro. Maybe tonight. I have too many things on my mind right now. A list will not organize them ... not today.

December starts tomorow. I can't feel Christmas. But I'm too old to look forward for Christmas anyway. No gifts this year. Is that legal? Hehehe.

I have a kick-ass playlist in my i-tunes. All my favorite blues, soul, guitar and rock music. I could just drown myself in this playlist and I'll survive any crisis.

Please don't take my sunshine away - Ray Charles. Oh yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaah!


Roller Coaster Ride

Im having a hard time writing. I found out my brother reads my blog. LOL. I might need to change addresses again.

Finished another book: Gail Tsukiyama's The Language of Threads. I found it entertaining but I don't like the way she told the story. Too simple and too ... chronological. I don't know. It just didn't work for me. I'm now on my next book: J.D. Salinger's Catcher On The Rye. Yey!

Helped out in a flower congress last week. I am not very good with plants but I have decided that I'm in love with daisies. They showed these great huge daisies grown by a Dutch guy. I just loved the colors. Daisies are such cheerful flowers. I think I'll add daisies to my favorite flower list: 1. tulips; 2. roses; 3. daisies.

My family got together last Friday to celebrate my Dad's birthday. All seven of us siblings were here including spouses and children. First time since my mother's death 3 years ago. You know how you have problems with your siblings but can't shake them off because you are connected with blood. Well it was like that. All warm and joyful. And sad and bad. Still, I love it that we got together. It warms the blood. Felt sad when all went their separate ways. There are always too little time when it comes to reunions.

You know how a good thing is sometimes followed by something really bad. Like getting a reward and in exchange, receive a punishment for that reward. Sigh. Today, I stayed at the hospital all day. I'm alright. But my niece isn't.

Life is a roller coaster ride.


Drawn By Desire

Finished the book English Patient and Umberto Eco' How To Travel With A Salmon. Love both.

It's going to be a very busy week. Sometimes I can't stop to think but just do one task after the other. It's therepeutic somehow. But I miss my rest. And I will miss my books. Just started a new one but looks like I won't be able to touch it till next week.

Two choices:
1. Leave everything familiar to you, live independently without the comforts of home to pursue love, and take a job which you detest although it may not be permanent, live as a second-class citizen but have the opportunity to live your dreams after ten years.


2. Stay with everything you love deeply, live like a queen, Go to a job you enjoy and never feel like you're working everyday of your life but never have the opportunity to make your dreams come true.

In a map that Singh found in Lord Suffolk's room:
"Mapped by R. Fones. Drawn by desire of Mr. James Halliday."
"Drawn by desire ..." He was beginning to love the English."

English Patient, Michael Ondaatje

I am drawn by desire. Hehehe.


untitled #52

Been busy all week preparing for this floriculture congress. It will be a busier week this week because of the Congress. But I'll be staying in a hotel the whole time so that should take away any other thoughts bothering me. Wish I could take my computer with me but I will have plenty to do and no time to go blogging or work on new interests. And I had these ideas I want to see in print but just don't have enough time. I guess it can wait a week. I volunteered for this. I needed a change of pace and scene. But it's becoming more work than I expected and is costing me more than I'm earning. Oh well, we have to live by the choices we make.

Viking and I had a short talk last weekend. I've been offered a big choice and even bigger choices to make soon. Right now I just can't think about them. I've been weighing all the pros and cons. I know what I want. But I'm terrified. When the time comes, I will have to face my fears and just take a leap of faith.

I'm home alone today. Again I bask on the silence. And I've developed a liking to Nacho Cheese flavored tortilla chips with raw tomatoes. Mmmmmm. I think I'm going out to read a book. It's too hot to stay indoors today.


On Being Me

I really hate periods. Stomach pains have gotten worst now that I'm getting older. If I had been a boy, I don't have to face these monthly battles. But I wonder if women are the stronger sex because of such battles. That includes giving birth of course. There can't be anything that can compare with that.

We hired a teacher to each us javascript yesterday. And I really enjoyed the class. The geek in me. We had these exercises where we have to make things happen on an html page. I love it. It's like solving a jigsaw puzzle or a brain basher puzzle ... only better because you wouldn't know the right answers till you get it and there are so many ways to get it ... that making the least codes ... well, it's a challenge. And I love a challenge.

I expected myself to dive at it this Sunday, but I decided to just relax. I spent my day eating papaya and watching old movies. Watched Al Pacino's Author, Author and my favorite Fonda movie, The Golden Pond. Mainly, I just chilled out till I've actually frozen.

I'm wide awake at 3 a.m. now. I've been doing that a lot and find myself really tired when I get to the office. But I can't change back my sleeping patterns just yet. It has embeded itself in my brain and I biologically wake myself up like a self-timing alarm clock. Yup, I'm beginning to sound like my mother. I'm beginning to fear dying like my mother did. But that's just me.


Right after the rain

Got stuck in Tigbauan yesterday with a flat tire. We attended my brother's welcome party at Igbaras and had dinner there. On our way back to the city, somewhere between Guimbal and Tigbauan, we felt the car wobble. We stopped in the dark in the middle of nowhere and had to change a flat tire. It took a long time because they had trouble getting the spare tire loose. After about 30 minutes we were on our way and passed the Tigbauan plaza. And again, the car wobbled. Our spare blew another flat. While try to think what was the best way to go, the family we just met at the party stopped
to see if they could help. They ended up unloading the women while some of the men took the original tire to Guimbal to have it fixed. After about an hour of waiting, they came back, with the verdict: tire is beyond repair. So we sent my sister-in-law, her daughter and a male family friend with the family we just met. The plan was we stay to guard the car, they go get tire fixed in the city and get extra tires if needed. It drizzled. But we were in good spirits, so we were fine.

I was left with the guys: my 2 older brothers and my 2 younger nephews. I was not willing to go home just yet. And well, I really don't want to hitch a ride on a cramped jeep. So I stayed with the guys and we talked while the rain drizzled.

During our small talk, we discovered that the songs we sang back in kindergarten, all had the same tune: Ba Ba Blacksheep, The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Litte Star. All have the same sound. This discovery was a result to listening to a 3 year old sing all three songs one after another. I find it amusing. That all these years, I never realized all three songs is just the same song with different lyrics. :) Hmmmmmm. And my teachers back in kindergarten never told me this. A conspiracy! Hehehe.

Vincent van Gogh, who himself suffered from depression and committed suicide, painted this picture in 1890 of a man that can symbolize the desperation and hopelessness felt in depression

Our conversations turned to a more serious note. My eldest brother revealed that clinical depression actually runs in the family. His wife, a psychiatrist, made this observation among us siblings. And came to that conclusion, that we were all clinically depressed at one point or another - most of it happened when we reached the second and third year of college. To some of us, this resulted to major life changes. To some, it had been an obstacle to get over. And all seven of us siblings went through it. So it was not ADHD at all. It was chronic depression. And the funny thing is, depression is present in half of the country's population - but has remained undiagnosed in the majority. We laughed about this news. It again would explain a lot of things. Why we were the way we were and why we had trouble getting out of it. The cure really starts in the awareness of being depressed. It is easily treatable. The problem is in realizing that you are depressed and need help. :) The only reason we survived our depressions was because we were too analytical to stya depressed. Hehehe. So that was what it was. And that is why we are.

So this is the final confirmation: we are crazy. It runs in the family. And damn it, we don't really care. Crazy people are destined to greatness - hehehe. And we all laughed ... as all nuts do.


Lake House

Was telling the Viking last night how I was so busy with work that I've been feeling so very disconnected from anything else. Disconnected from humanity because it's all been work. And the people I speak closely to, I talk through machines. Yup, I'm so feeling alienated from every thing else and though I love learning new things at work, I really wish I could just have some time to drink coffee with friends and talk about reality. No shop talk or scripts or reports. Just personal stuff. Sigh. I will have to make time and make it a top priority this week.

Was watching Lake House last night with sisters. Really liked it. I don't know why it was never a blockbuster. Maybe it's because of the impossibility of the timeline? :) That was fine with me. He's alive! He's alive! It reminded me of a J.D. Salinger short story ;) But it was sweet, really. Pulitzer Prize winner and Tony Awardee David Auburn writes the screenplay. I think it was unique. I just have some questions. Why didn't they show the bedroom of the lake house? Was there ever a bedroom since it was a glass house? I like the plot twist. I like how they started the movie at her leaving and his arriving. I'm adding it to my chick flick list of Pretty Woman and You've Got Mail among others. :) I like movies that make me feel good about the world in general.

Finished JD Salinger's Nine Stories. My favorite is Esme - With Love and Squalor. Still, despite of the loveliness of my books and the movies I watch, nothing can replace the sweetness of reality.


Anonymous daw

Quoted from kooki's blog:

In a brief conversation, a man, speaking to a woman, was out to pursue the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asked, "Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said, "Yes" as she began to expound...

"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself.

I pay my own bills.

I take care of my household without the help of any man- or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money... I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection Mentally. I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection Spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... Believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection Financially because I don't need a financial... burden.

I am looking for someone who is Sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but Strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone who I can Respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... He just has to be worthy.

God made woman to be a helpmate for man. At this point, I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face, and exclaimed, "You're asking for a whole lot!"

To which she gracefully replied...

"Only if you think I'm not WORTH a lot." :)

If a guy asks again, give him this.

Too early

Haven't had my morning coffee yet but I'm already at work. I love riding jeepneys to work very early in the morning. Most students would have arrived in their respective schools. Office workers with 8 to 5 jobs will still be haggling with the maid about dinner and doing last minute housekeeping before heading off to work. So that makes the minutes between 7 to 7:15 a.m the best time to travel. Jeepneys will have generous seats available and will be generally quick in picking up passengers. The sun will not yet be sweltering hot and will be at an angle where the coolness shade of trees would touch your skin. Except for the occasional perverts who like peeping at your low neckline, you can get to the office quite relaxed. I use this time to be oblivious to the world by reading a book on the jeep. My oblivion is heightened by the earphones attached to my mp3 player which I would play loud enough to drown even the noisiest of engines.

Yup. Waking early even without coffee has its rewards.


Beat head hammer

Ever had one of those days when all you want to do is beat yourself over the head with a hammer? Or imagine how therepeutic it would be to keep hitting your head on the wall because you did something or forget to do something, which although might not have dire consequences, would result to you hanging your head lower than your shoes because of shame and just absolute embarassment?

I'm having one of those days. And I'll keep beating my head because I cannot do otherwise. There is a human need to punish myself for my forgetfulness. Because even if it was not entirely my fault, I blame myself. And I blame myself for putting people down. And for imagining people looking at me like I'm a convict ... effects of watching too much of "Prison Break" (is it a need to associate self with Michael Scofield?).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! Wasn't it Meredith Grey who said, we keep hitting our heads with a hammer because it would feel soooooo damn good to stop?

It was our office turn to lead the flag ceremony. A few hundred people waited for us to show up, but we didnt't because we never got the message, nor did I bother to take a look at the calendar. We arrived very late and unprepared. And I'm the person people point to, because I should remember. It's a small thing really. But it was my responsibility. And so I beat my head with a hammer for not remembering and for not being on top of things.

Right now, I just want to keep hitting myself on the head with a hammer. Because I'm too ashamed to stop. People will soon forget this. I will too. But I'm living this moment now. And I will keep hitting on my head till I feel it would feel damn good to stop.


What were we talking about?

My friends and I have this game where one starts a conversation with a sentence. And the another would butt in with another sentence coming from a totally irrelevant topic. And then another would react to something again totally far out from the previous sentence. The test is to see how far out our topics could get from the beginning sentence. And it goes on and on till we laugh at how funny and how totally unconnected our conversation would turn out. But you see, that happens to me a lot. LOL. I jump from one topic to another at a slight switch of a word. So I'm thinking, I might have undiagnosed ADD.

It has been a standing joke in the family that ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) runs in the bloodline. Our bloodline. My siblings, cousins and their offsprings tend to get bored real fast. It's a wonder that some of us had managed to stay in a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and would last longer than our refrigirator. And it is no surprise that most of us stayed longer in college than everybody else, or took several courses before settling on a profession, or picking different courses and liking everything. The Jacks of all trade, masters of none ... or several, whichever strikes our fancy.

I'm beginning to think that there is some truth in that. I might be an undiagnosed ADD person. I was helping out a friend with his computer, reformatting it and all. He was making small talk the whole time and I just realized that I can't remember much of what we talked about. Most of the time, I was thinking of his computer and what to do with it. I would pay attention to our conversation but before long, my mind had wandered to some other place. It wasn't because I was bored. I just can't pay attention long enough to grasp everything. I'm a bad listener. Which would explain why I get easily bored with studying.

I wonder if you get lapses of ADD. You know, get it one moment and be extremely focused the next. It's strange because I can be focused on some things. Sometimes so focused to the point of obsessing about it. But when it comes to doing two things at the same time, I fade out from one to the other, like a fly would jump from one plate to another.

Here's what Aileen Bailey says about ADD:
Students with ADHD tend to tune out lessons that are “boring” or do not interest them. Adding in giftedness, concepts and lessons can be learned quickly and tuning out can occur much quicker. Students may fail to hear and learn important information later in the class. This can also cause students to have a full comprehension of the concepts, however, lack the skills for practical applications of the concepts. One mother had her son tested in math. He was in 11th grade and could not seem to pass a math class. The evaluation showed that his understanding of math concepts was above a 16th grade level, however, his computations were in the 8th grade level. Once he understood the concept, he tuned out the lesson and didn’t feel he needed to practice. The concepts made such sense and were so simple for him to understand, he never bothered to listen and practice. He made simple mistakes, failing tests and his ADHD caused him to lose homework on a regular basis. He felt inadequate, and didn’t understand why he could not do math even though he understood it. He felt stupid and ridiculed and yet his understanding of the subject was probably high above the rest of the class.

Yup, I definitely have ADD. Of course, it would be a convenient excuse when I can't remember conversations I had. But, come to think of it, it would explain lots of things.

I wonder if they have tests for ADD in adults.



It's been a slow week. I'm just basically bored yet can't seem to sit still long enough to work on my computer. The rain has cooled everything. Didn't want to read. Didn't want to do anything except watch TV or read blogs all day. Finished my reports early so I've been staring out of the window again.

Lives of quite desperation. I'm desperate for new jeans, chocolates, shopping, a good book.

My latest obsession is the TV series, Desperate Housewives. Last week, it was Michael Scofield of Prison Break. But, much too young ;) much too young. I love the tattoo with the secret in it though.

Watched two seasons of DH and tried to make a map of Wisteria Lane. Keep getting confused of who lives next to who. I need a map. I don't know why, I just do. It's the Bree in me. Anyway, may I just say that Mike Delfino is absolutely yummy.


Sequence No. 2

I was riding a jeepney towards home and was stuck in traffic just in front of UP, waiting impatiently for the intersection to clear up. I was thinking of the things I have to do to finish the website. There was Tintin's pics I have to edit. E-books I wanted to read. And I just really want to get home fast.

It was about six pm and the weather was unusually cloudy and dark. When I gazed up, a large circle of clear sky slowly circled up, like a tornado growing right in the sky in front of me. It was unusual and amazing. I watched in awe. And then I started to panic. Should I run? Can I outrun it? Is this the end of the world? In the east horizon, towards Arevalo ... a looming wave 150 feet high coming right at me ... :)

Then I woke up.

The aftermath of watching too many disaster movies.

(Sings) "It's the end of the world as we know it." And I feel fine.


PhotoFriday: Girl


I promised her I'd take her pic and give her a big photograph for her birthday. I didn't realize what I was getting into until she showed up with 4 different outfits and asked who will do her make-up. hehehe. A friend did her hair but her father didn't approve of any make-up. We had to set-up a quick studio at the office for her "photoshoot", and borrowed a fan for effect. Good thing I was using a digital camera. At first, she was all model-like, imitating the fashion models on TV with pouts, and runway poses and she refused to smile. Was able to convince her that she looks much sweeter posing like a 7 year-old would.

This is not the pic I gave her. But I like this one most.


I just learned the basics of flash in Dreamweaver. And found this all Filipino webdesigners website called Philweavers. :) Yey!

Anyway, it led me to this site: Animator vs. Animations. Must see!


Woe is me! for bad ISP

I have been trying to upload newly designed websites on my brother's server. I have tried this before. Uploaded two of my web pages just to try it out and I have succeeded.

I recently created folders for my sister and sis-in-law, for their websites. The server confirmed this. But for some reason - and I've been trying for over a month now, I can't upload new pages on that site. Bwisit! I have new clients to impress. How can they do this to me. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Will have to settle for a webshot view of the html I've created. The real site will have the real contents. As per agreement, I will make the site, my sisters will have to provide the content and I'm still waiting for that.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
This is for my sister-in-law.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
This is for my sister's business. She's an events planner.


The ABC's of my URL

Here's what you do:
1. Go to your URL field and type the letter "A"
2. Copy + Paste what comes up
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you get to the end of the alphabet
4. Post for others to see

So here are the ABC's of my URL's:
A Address.Mail.Yahoo
B Blogger
C this page
D Daquilanea.net
E Elgu Ncc Iloilo
F Flickr
G Google
H Haring Liwanag
I Inquirer
J Jab and Grapple
K Kasadyahan
L Listening to Yourself
M Mail Yahoo
N National Geographic
O Older Blogdrive
P Photofriday
Q none whatsoever
R Rachelem
S Sitemeter
T Twisted
U Undiscussable Realms
V Vcaroline Blogspot
W Web design
X Xgiddy
Y Yahoo
Z Zonta

I am obviously bored and have nothing to do - hehehe

Photo Friday: Boy


Click on pic for larger view.

Taken after a golden wedding anniversary mass last July at Odiongan, Romblon. Wearing his barong, flip flops and his favorite mouth ornament :)


Rice wine

I'm very tired today. The office has offered aerobics classes every MWF, after office hours and I've joined in the hope of shedding a few pounds. Last night, the teacher taught us belly dancing that sways the hips like it would kick a horse and move the arms like snakes in a snake charmer's basket. It was fun.

But now, every part of my booty is killing me. My abs hurt. And I feel just dead tired.

It didn't help that I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.

I slept all throughout lunchbreak and just don't have any energy to move. After my third cup of coffee, a friend of mine gave me rice wine from Pototan. Said it will soothe all my aching muscles. Haven't finished my glass yet ... but yup, I feel better already.


You believe

I just heard that someone very capable of doing her job has been re-assigned to another office where she will not only prove useless, but will crush her spirit because she doesn't really belong there. All in the name of politics. No opportunity for defense. No added incentive. No justice.

Sometimes you wonder if things will ever improve in this country. You wonder if people in power will ever grow a conscience and use their powers for the good of all. You wonder if good ever triumphs over evil at all. You wonder ... and you worry. Times like these, I think of the Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. And I wonder if the ring-holder will ever have the courage to throw all that evil into the Mountain of Doom. Frodo didn't do it on his own. By his greed, Gollum was the savior of all. But Frodo was the hero. Either way, power gets the best of all of us. So when will it all end? When will we ever learn? When do we give up?

In the midst of all of these, we could only hope. Aragorn. Superman. Spiderman. Atticus Finch. Jesus. You just have to believe that evenually that day will come.


Haha Heehee

I'm in a good mood today. I don't know why. Maybe a sense of accomplishment of getting a client who will actually pay for something I did, and be pleased with what I did. Spent my weekend on a powerpoint presentation for a thesis. Yes, there are people who don't know powerpoint. Lucky me.

I realize now that to be able to sell my skills, I have to shamelessly advertise them. And I'm beginning to see the results of shameless advertising. The reason I didn't take up business is because I can't sell anything. I see things as they are - disadvantages and advantages. And I compulsively tell all without any inhibitions, that I inadverdently discourage buyers from buying anything. I like selling skills better. I make no excuses. I know what I can and cannot do. And what I cannot do, I learn to do. So the enterprise eventually becomes beneficial to both buyer and seller. I learn things and live for the challenge, my client gets what she/he wants. So yes, I'm learning that to get by in this business, we must sell ourselves, take away all humility and blatantly promote self short of being narcissist. I hope I don't bloat my self-esteem too much. I will be the first to detest myself.

I have been watching this mini-series on TV called "Life is not all haha heehee" based on a novel by Meera Sayal. And I'm so much into it. Is it possible to see self in all three women? One, an obedient newly-wed, another a depressed wife and mother and the last, an ambitious self-possed career woman. Of course, one personality has to be stronger than the other. I hate to admit it but I know exactly which personality I belong. I strive to get out of that boxed persona. It is bad enough to have others judge you, but to define self as certain personality leads to unhealthy thoughts. So no, I refuse to limit myself to that. I am that but so much more. So haha heehee, life is more than that.

I am without beau but Im not loveless. Sigh Sigh Sigh. Yup, I'm in a very good mood today.


Book of love

Been listening to this song over and over after watching the movie Shall We Dance on HBO. It's not the movie. It's not even Richard Gere. But the song just keeps repeating itself in my head over and over again. Almost sung it aloud on the jeep ride to work. But Aaaaaaaaaaaaai ... can't get it off my head.

And I'm not even in-love. Just floating above ground but have my feet tied to a post of responsibility. Sigh. My book of love is not long and boring, but it remains close for now.

- Peter Gabriel

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing

But I, I love it when you read to me
And you, You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb

But I, I love it when you sing to me
And you, You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know

But I, I love it when you give me things
And you, You ought to give me wedding rings

You ought to give me wedding rings


Project Sunrise

On 11 August 2006, the tanker MT Solar 1, which was carrying two-million liters of bunker fuel, sank off our southern coast while battling rough waters. Several hours later, our long stretches of white-sand beaches, remarkable dive spots and rich fishing grounds became despicable sights with black, thick oil covering them.

If you want to help, click on the title. Help save all those wonderful beaches, corals, sea creatures, and the great people of Guimaras, Iloilo. Make a donation for the cause.

This is the extent of the damage. And it will get worse if tanker is not removed.



It's going to be a long weekend. And I'm looking forward to a re-arranged bedroom and quite time with graphics design. I'm sooooooo loving it.

I'm going to Guimaras tomorrow. I hope I would get a glance of the oil spill which they say is 4 inches thick and covers the whole of Guimaras island. There goes the coral beds and the exotic fishes of Alubihod. So sad to hear news of this.

And talking about fishes, I attended a children's birthday party last Friday and they gave me 2 tiny gold fishes to take home. Gave them to my nephew. I was afraid that I'm not really good at taking care of pets. I could barely keep a plant from dying, so I think my nephew should have it. He named them Jimmy Hendrics and Led Zeppelin. Jimmy died the next day. Very rock star don't you think?. We don't know exactly why. He had a bloated stomach and would not respond to CPR. So we had to flush him down the toilet. Let's all bow our heads for the passing of ... a really nice fish.

And for another fish story, my boss took me to the Lapaz Market a few days ago. I was looking for prawns. He was looking for fishes. So he lead me to the wet market section and it was only then I realized that I haven't been inside a wet market for at least 3 years. And I was amazed and was looking around with new eyes. Bought my prawns and 2 boneless bangus. And I love looking at all them fishes. Too bad I was too shy to take pictures. But I will be back there. I promise.

My Flickr Pics


Quick post

Just a quick post before they fix the bug in the program and I have to get back to work. Not a perfect drawing but this is just my second vector art. Any volunteers for more experimentation?

Click on the image for a better view.

Strrange hours

I've been waking up at strange hours ... 3 or 4 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep. To me, that always means I'm worried about something. But right now, I really can't think of anything worth worrying about.

I've been busy at work too. We had to encode and check about 2000+ names on a databse over the weekend so they can be assigned numbers by Monday morning. The thing about information technology, you lose your identity in numbers. 1 0 1 1 0 1 0.

I drew a vector image of my inaanak who will be celebrating his 1st birthday on Monday at Mundo's. Will post it soon together with the real picture. Need to ask permission from parents. I also drew one of myself too ... that I will never post - hahaha. I'm tired. But I can't sleep.

Had my braces adjusted yesterday and they hurt like hell. But I've been used to that. So why am I awake?

Yawn. I think I'll go back to bed and try at least. I need to go back to work in 2 hours. And bummer, it's Sunday.


Jaro Cathedral

Taking new photography lessons with an elder architect-photographer. Spent the whole Saturday morning running around Jaro Plaza. Broke my camera's manual adapter. :( Could no longer adjust the speed of my camera. Good thing there's Photoshop.


simple yet complex ... life's conundrum

Woke up at 1am and can't get back to sleep. So I'm waiting till sleep comes. Finished Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. I love how the character Levin finally arrived to the conclusion of figuring out his purpose. It was quite simple, yet ... complex. The conundrum of life. Nothing is as simple as it seems. Yet the answer is always in the simplicity of everything. It is in human nature to make it complicated.

My favorite lines:
".. my life now, my whole life, regardless of all that may happen to me, every minute of it, it is not only NOT meaningless, as it was before, but has the unquestionable meaning of the good which it is in my power to put into it.

I sought an answer to my question. But the answer to my question could not come from thought, which is incommensirable with the question. The answer was given by life itself, in my knowledge of what is good or bad. And I did not acquire that knowledge through anything. It was given to me as it is to everyone. Given because I could not take it from anywhere.

There is no condition to which a person can grow accustomed, especially if he sees that everyone aroubnd him lives in the same way."

- Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy (translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky)

So I guess that's it. Eureka! The purpose of man is to do good. A purpose that is inborn because it is revealed to man as soon as he became aware of his world. This must be faith, Levin said. To know something, without undestanding why. :) So my purpose is to do good ... in whatever way I can. My goal is to be happy ...doing what it is I choose to love. I think I understood this, but somehow, had difficulty grasping it. Reasoning clouds judgement. So I forget this basic revelation.

Galing ni Lord! To think that man finds it difficult to understand this simplicity ... and finds it easy to live its complexity. :)

Deep? Maybe I just need more sleep ...


And I didn't forget

I just don't have internet access back home.

So, Happy 2nd Anniversary Blog! More years to come!

This means ... war

I sometimes feel I'm in the midst of a silent war. If I step to the right, I get shot. If I step to the left, a mine explodes. If I stay put, a bomb eventually finds me and blows me up to smithereens. Sigh. I have no ambition to be Condolezza Rice. I always say, I'm not one to survive a war. But like any soldier, I do what I can to get through the night.

I do not claim to solve everyone's problems. I do not even try. All I do is to get by, take a day at a time and I know I cannot please everybody. I hate it when people bitch to me and tell me I have an attitude-problem! Yudiputa! WHO DOESN'T? If I can't solve this problem, why don't you? Why wait for me to make the first move? If you claim I'm not alone in all this, why does it feel like I am? What have you done to remedy the situation? Don't go lashing unto me just because YOU CAN"T GET YOUR DAMN BROADBAND! There! You know you deserve that!

So I shake this off and wait for the next shoot-out. I don't want to carry a chip on my shoulder. I think I've carried enough already. I do what I have to do. If they don't like the way I do it, they can either do something about it or they can shove it up their (bleep). Breathe. End of Outburst. Ceasefire.

I always say that crying is not a sign of weakness. But, Dang! it is a big handicap when you're trying to stress a point. It ruins the exit. :)



Life is a series of stages. When you outgrow one, you move on to the other. You don't stand still. Because staying in one stage will just limit you and you will miss all of God's wonders by just taking a long sojourn in one phase. You stay for the period you needed to stay. Sooner or later, you would know in your heart when you need to move on. And God will be with you whichever stage you are in. Because He is a God of order and is the All Mighty.

A friend of mine from one community came to visit me one night. He came to talk me into attending this and that seminar which is suppose to be good for me and draw me closer to God. I guess that because I'm no longer in a church community, I am giving the impression that I've become godless. Which is okay, for I alone know my truth.

I became aware of my resistance to his cause. I nod and smile and pretend to be interested. I didn't want to offend him. But at the back of my mind, I wished he would stop talking about his community. If you came to talk to me about God, then let's talk about God. Not some community. If you want me to attend it, why don't you just say it in my face so I can say no and we can get on with the process of being friends and talk about the real important things. Sigh. The feeling I got, which is probably why I am no longer in community ... is that he wants me there because they need me there. That they needed something from me.

Organizations, communities, affiliations are good, always good ... for the time that you can get something from them - may it be growth, spiritual nourishment or an outlet for your enthusiasm and energy. It becomes a life force itself and you get fulfilled for being there. But as the life force in you ebbs, so does the interest. I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the organizations I've been involved in. I served them all with as much energy and time as they would give me and I appreciated everything I've learned and experienced in each of them. But there's a point where you have to say, I'm alright. Please leave me alone. I am moving on. I am discovering new things that involves another group of people. They may not be a community but they are helping me in my new stage. I don't need a seminar to tell me how to be emotionally mature, or how to connect with my inner child. I've been there. I've done that. I know a lot of emotionally mature people who have figured that out without a seminar. I don't want to severe my affiliations. But please, give me space to make room for new things, new experiences. new possibilities, which if I don't try now, might never ever experience again.

I have moved to another stage. It doesn't require me to attend community. It doesn't ask me to preach or to raise my hands and shout just to pray. It allows me to appreciate God within the confines of my own reality. It permits me to be angry and be sad, and to feel a whole lot more and I believe, this is not such a bad thing. I am where I need to be. If a turn in my stages would someday lead me to where your community is, let me be the one to go to you and say, "I'm ready to be here now."

For now, I am happy where I am. So please, just let me be. Because that's how it has always been for me. Stages. Life will always be in stages. And I am happy where I am.


Untitled #24

I changed my mind about the Crow (because that's what girls do!). He may not be McDreamy or Burke ... but he could be a Dr. House :). At least , he cured me of my fear of aggressive men. After the Crow, I think I can handle any guy (Note: this confidence might not last very long). Said good-bye to him as he flew back to his nest last Friday. We were suppose to meet but I had this event-thing so we couldn't. So goodbyes were said on the phone. Short and sweet. He was sad, not of leaving, but of some other crisis. He felt that may not return. I assured him he will. I now wonder what happened to him.

On the home front, I am sad to report that our phoneline has been cut-off. Unpaid bills. I don't plan to pay it. Truth is, I can't afford anything right now. Hahaha. But I'm not homeless, so I'm alright. And the Viking worries. So I have to assure him, I'm alright again and again. So no phone. And no internet at home. I like the idea of not hearing a BBBBBBRRRRRRRRR-RRRRRRIINNNNGGGGGG in the morning. I don't use it much anyway. No one could. My sister is always online so the phone is always busy. Now that we don't have the phone, nobody seems to miss it ... except for my always online sister. Poor girl. So anybody who needs to contact me, will have to call me on my cellphone ... which I prefer to be always on silent mode. ;) Seclusion is not a bad word, you know.

Went to this Friday event thingy. Last minute, they needed a photographer because the one they hired didn't show up. I had film but no flash for my manual camera ... which is bad for covering an event with old ladies who can't stand still. So I settled for this digital point and shoot. Some shots were disastrous. Which is pretty much what I expected. They treated me like they would a hired-photographer. Makes me not want to be a photographer for hire. "I AM AN ENTHUSIASTIC HOBBYIST! AND I"M NOT CHARGING ANYONE FOR THIS!" I shout silently to myself. But after the humiliation, I think they need to pay me. Hahaha. I remembered why I hated going to functions like that. A lot of those ladies with fancy dresses and thick make-ups, are fake. And fake people tend to be miserable and lash on to the nearest hired-photographer. Hehehe. So I'm bitter. But at least I can laugh about it.

I'm an earth person. I prefer things real and outfront. And I'm a planner and list person. If you're in a rush, please don't call me! I don't work like that.


McDreamy and Yang

Stayed at my brother's house last night to view the last few episodes of Grey's Anatomy second season. I'm so into Burke. And so exasperated about McDreamy. There's something about married men that really makes me want to hate them. I know choosing the one you love and choosing the one you're married to, is one of the most difficult choices to make. BUT! You have to make a choice ... because eventually, it will hurt a lot more people. So why not make that choice already? I really hate men who can't make up their minds. I guess that goes for women who can't make theirs too.

I made up my mind with the Crow. I do not love him. And I'm quite sure he doesn't love me either. So this going out with him ... it's ... entertainment. A remedy to a boring evening. And an excuse to flirt with someone you don't need to follow through. He is a far cry from my McDreamy. And definitely not a Burke. I'd like to think I'm a lot like Grey. But at the back of my mind, I'm beginning to be like Yang.

I'm beginning to wonder if somehow, with all this being alone stuff, I'm becoming inhuman, unfeeling, emotionless bitch. But truth is, I'd rather be this than be Izzie (but you have to watch the second season to understand why).


Eyes are for reading

The best thing to do to shake off after-effects of a trip, is a good clean-up. So you unpack your bags. Throw all your dirty laundry to the hamper. Store away all the things you brought for the trip that you never got to use. Sigh at your pictures and make a mental note to send copies to friends and relatives. Then curl up to the welcoming covers of your bed and finish the thick book you left home.

Only, I forgot my eyeglasses back in Odiongan. It's the only working pair I've got left and I'm too broke to buy new ones. So, I've avoided doing any reading at work and I made my computer text really big. But I still got headaches just the same. And added to that, I still feel a bit of nausea from the boat ride which I haven't managed to shake off. I don't know, but it turned into a hyperacidity attack Thursday night and I need to puke again. Sigh. So I was absent from work again, Friday, with a huge migraine and dizzy spells that beelines me to the bucket. I'm alright now. I haven't left the house and I'm bored as hell. And that's terrible because I don't have eyeglasses to read!

So what I did was clean-up. Not just my bags I've brought for the trip, and the laundry, but I cleaned up my room too. My drawers, my pictures, my shoes. I've stacked my books neatly and folded all my underwear. But I'm still bored. I dream of eyeglasses and wish I could buy one before I go back to work on Monday. Big sigh.

If I was married, I wonder if I would have problems like these.


I'm back

Got back from a four-day vacation in Odiongan, Romblon. Well, it was not much of a vacation really. It was very small town where the tallest point was our hotel which was five-stories up. We had lots of perks though. We got to ride a yacht to and from Aklan. We ate steaks everyday because this Uncle owns a ranch with lots of cattle. And we met distant cousins who had blonde hair and gets amaze when they see house lizards and jump at the sight of cockroaches. :)

I was attending my Uncle and Auntie's 50th Golden Wedding Anniversary. The funny thing was they kept arguing the whole time we were there. I guess that is what old couples do all the time. They argue about the little things, like bath, forks and spoons, giftwrappers and stuff like that. LOL. It was quite entertaining.

I also met my Uncle's friend, he was 76 years old and he would talk about all the women in his life. He showed me pics of his wife, and the pretty young thing he was dating. He said that now, women are only after his money, so he gets them to entertain him. I'm not sure I like his ways but he was fun to be around because he kept us in stitches and he kept making indecent proposals to my other married cousin who was an expert in warding him off. He would miss us, I'm sure. After we left, he will have no one to talk to.

The boat ride back home was a mess. There was a storm making it's way to Japan, so the waves were quite big in the Romblon area. Our boat trip lasted for 4 hours and it was terrible. There were 24 guests on board this yacht. 20 of those guest puked their way to kingdom come. I was on the top 5 of the puking jamboree. Since no one could move very much, because the boat was tossing and turning all over the place, and it was overturning electric fans and spitting out DVD players from their sockets, we were pretty much rooted to our seats and try to close our eyes when the person next to us starts to vomit. By the end of the trip, I was lying on the carpeted floor, not caring if someone steps over me because I was just too weak to raise my head. And the stench was ... ugh! I'm getting a headache just trying to describe everything. I still feel a slight lightheadedness even if I had a whole day rest yesterday. I sometimes feel, I'm still in a ship with big waves.

Anyway, I was sooo happy to reach solid ground. And we laughed at each other for surviving that ordeal. I got invited to return to Odiongan, but me thinks I'll return when my Uncle buys himself a plane. LOL.


Doors, why do there have to be doors?

Gross Negligence

I'm surrounded by people with huge regrets right now. The theme this week: What you don't do has far greater reverberations than what you do. I know that.

The doctor just told me that even if I am not diabetic as I feared, I need to lower my cholesterol. So he has placed me on a diet without my happy foods. So I think of all those days when I thought about exercise ... thought being the operative word, and I wish I did them.

I gave the Crow a long lecturette about problems during our regular drive around the city. I gave talks like these when I was in the Youth Ministry. Didn't know it would come in handy. So here it is: Four things you should remember about problems:

1. Problems always come with pain. If they weren't painful, they wouldn't be a problem. And if you do experience problems without pain, then maybe you should start worrying. It would means one of two things: that you've become an unfeeling passive person (which I think is worsE) or you are dead.

2. Problems are warning signs. They are there to let you know that there are things you've been taking for granted, or things you should do that you haven't been doing, or (worse) you don't do things you should be doing. Think of it as an alarm clock that rings to tell you, time's up.

3. Problems are opportunities for growth. Problems are always bigger than we are. If they were smaller, they wouldn't be a problem. Bigger shoes for bigger boys. So, problems will always be, relatively bigger, as you grow older. You won't be crying for milk at the age of forty. If you are, then that might be a bigger problem - hehehe. In the end, you always end up the wiser. Just remember, "NEXT TIME, DO NOT THAT!"

4. No matter where you are with regard to your problem, God will always be there. Just pray for strength, comfort, healing ... YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE.

My sympathies to the people who are kicking their own butts right now. Bear in mind that no matter how hard you kick, it will not change the situation. So let go and let God. Life offers a lot of second chances. Sometimes the second chances turn out better than the first. You never know.



Photo exhibit is done and contrary to rumors, the competition was fair after all. I invited two people to this class so I wouldn't feel so alone. One got first prize. The other got second prize. Both also won first and second in the same category. Me? I got 4th prize out of 79 pictures in the Landmark category. And I got 5th out of 65 in the Bulbing category. And I got a People's Chioce Award, meaning people picked my picture to be their favorite. :) After we packed up everything, Photo 1 classmates and I went over to my teacher's house and got drunk with wine while singing videoke songs. Of course, after about two glasses, I was singing too.

I am rumored to be dating one of my friends in Photo Class. Truth is, there was never anything romantic going on. That thought never even occured to both of us. And I don't even want to consider it. I like this platonic thing. And putting meaning into this friendship will just ruin the support system. So I tried to end the rumor by telling it bluntly: There are no loveteams allowed in this class. Hehehe.

Got home late afternoon and got a call from the Crow. We went out for coffee and drove around town in circles till he got sleepy. We discussed God (pauses, guffaws, and falls off chair). No, seriously, he planned to go to mass the next day. He confessed that even if he was not living a saintly life, he had fear of God. And one must have a God. He then accused me of not having any. I told him I do have a God. And He keeps me from doing foolish things. Like doing things I will regret later on. (Smirks at self).

Still no pictures. I keep putting things off. After taking pictures, I don't want to waste my time editing them. Even if it just changing the size to a smaller resolution for the web. Sigh. I'm getting lazier by the minute.

Having dinner with the Crow tonight. He needs company so I will keep him company till he gets bored.



Was suppose to go out with ladyfriends to watch Superman tonight. I wanted to go because I am desperate for a social life. I've said no too many times. But just when I was riding a taxi towards SM City, my asthma kicked in. It had to rain. Temperature had to change. And I had to have coughing fits while giving driver directions to head home instead of going to the mall. Woe is me! Well, I'm not really into Superman anyway. Between man of steel and man of wit, I'd pick House anytime. For some reason, I seem incapable of gawking on boys younger than me. Hahaha.

Anyway, tension is subsiding.

Dad is out of the hospital. With strict instructions to avoid salt and sugar, which he immediately defies as soon as he stepped out of the car. He went to the mall today on this own, and then realized he was too weak to walk, and headed straight home. I wonder where I get all this stubborness from?

My pockets are now empty. Hehehe. So what's new? The good thing about not having money, is it eliminates the decision on what to buy first. :) So I sit here and be content with what I have.

Photo exhibit ends tomorrow and I am now ready to lose to younger classmates whose parents are judges of the competition. I find it fulfilling just to see my photos being displayed (18 of them) in a 15-man show (Hahaha). I overhear good comments about my work, and I beam pride inside out. It is so fulfilling. Still, I am my own worst critic. But that is just a passion for perfection.

The men at work, sympathizes with my asthma and lets me sleep for as long as I like. My asthma wakes me up early morning and won't let me sleep till the sun goes up. I needed to drag myself to work. I have lost weight. But I am being babied like I was a baby. The men at work spoil us, women (only 2 of us) by buying us lunch two times this week. Then, they let us order them around. Hehehe. I guess now you'd understand why I love my work.

In the meantime, I am home with season 2 of 24 and my current read. Anna Karenin just admitted to herself that she is rapturous over falling for Vronsky, a guy other than her husband and at the same time tortured with the guilt of it. Meanwhile, Levin finds hope in uncovering Kitty's unwellness.

Still I find my mind drifting off to Patrick Dempsey in a doctor's uniform. Hahaha. I miss Grey.


House Arrest

Usually, the house is my favorite place in the world, but I wish I don't have to be sick to earn the right to stay home. Sigh. I'm trying not to think of the things I have to do but I really can't avoid it.

My asthma started Friday. I think it's all due to a lot of stress. Yes, more than one cause.

My sisters and I have been taking turns watching my Dad at the hospital. He was admitted for mild stroke. Luckily, no paralysis. It all started with a temporary blindness in his left eye and a quiver in his lips which he could not control. So he had to be brought to the hospital for CT Scan. And some more tests. And still more tests. They found pneumonia. And a small brain blood clot. And my Dad is a difficult patient. He's all rough and won't feel a dislodged needle even if there's blood dripping everywhere. Sigh. But he has kept his spirits up and still laughs at his hearing loss, so ... we're okay.

I won't even mention about the financial situation. That one is giving me a big headache so ... change topic.

Finished a two-day seminar last week. It was boring and a lot confusing really but the food ... THE FOOD .. was quite a feast. Every meal, we felt like Kings and Queens. If you have to ask where, Punta Villa, Iloilo. For 2000 pesos, the seminar was well worth fighting sleep.

Since I missed two days of work ... three days including today, I look forward for the pile waiting on my desk when I get back. So, please God, get me well, so I could clean up the pile I'm all imagining on my desk right now. Hmmm, I think God heard. I'm coughing already.

Photography Class is ending. We will have an exhibit an the University Cultural Center for three days. Then after they announce the winners, we will be graduating next Saturday. I will post my pics here soon enough. I spent 8 36-shot films for the whole two months. I need to have my photos enlarged and meet the deadline tomorrow evening. Was suppose to do it today, but this damn asthma kept me home. I have a million and one things I have to do for the exhibit but I can't because I'm finding it really difficult to breathe. Kept conjuring fresh air in mind with a pencil as a magic wand but it doesn't work ... not like it used to ;). I know I should not expect to win. There are rumors that the judges are biased and winners don't really get anything except a bit of recognition, but truth is ... I want to win. And I know I will get a big disappointment. But I have my fingers crossed. All ten of them. Including my toes.

Okay, I'm babbling. One good thing about blogging, you can get everything out without saying a word while you're catching precious air. My Precious. Come to Mama.


not happy, not sad

Spent the past few days serving for a church-community event. It was tiring and the tension was high. Most of the time, we had to come up with solutions to something we could have avoided if the event was planned better. But, thank God, it turned out to be quite a success. I miss being this useful. Most of all, I miss serving people without expecting anything in return. So basically, I've been angelically good. And I wish I was shallowly happy. :)

Well, it's not a complete loss. I could always be shallowly happy if I needed to be. And I had fun taking pictures. I wish I could take pictures all day and not have to pay for it - bwahahaha. Photography is such an expensive art. And though I can't exactly say YET that I am suffering for my art, I know I will get there sooner or later.

I'm back to the nitty-gritty. Tired. Sleepy. and almost broke. But I am at peace. That should count for something, right? At peace with the world. At peace with me. At peace with God. As a friend said during worship, I am not yet happy ... but I know I am no longer sad.


Kill me now

I don't know if it's watching too much of Grey's Anatomy or House, but the thing is ... I think something's wrong with me. It's all I think about. And the funny thing is, I can't even talk about it. Well, not entirely true. Made a desperate phone call to a friend and got sympathy and amusement. At least that diminished the desperation to a mediumly bearable non-exploding amount.

Sent message to the Crow. He responded with a phone call that I never answered. I know I'm going to kick myself for not answering ... but I'm sticking to my stubborness and my naivete ... that the right guy will come. Letter to self when I reach 40: I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!

If you had a choice, would you rather be angelically good? Or would you rather be shallowly happy?

Kill me now.


The heat is on

And it's burning.

Spent the day under the hot sun with my camera, photographing very old churches with photography classmates. Yey! A year ago I was saddened that I was so alone in this hobby and I have no one to ask about my pictures except the Muslim and the people I meet in Flickr.com and PhotoFriday. I have joined three more photography groups online but work has been sooooooooooo ... that I can't even visit my favorite sites, let alone update my own site. Anyway, this will be a one week-one entry blog again. We will have four trainings scheduled on the next two weeks. I'm sacrificing my computer for the good of ... THE PROGRAM (awe, wonder, EGO LOL!). So I won't be online as much. Maybe I could steal time away from my sister who's been hoarding the internet back home. I don't go online back home. I feel so tired, I could only sit and watch reruns of 24. I don't even have the energy to read.

But since it's burning, I take baths every night. Ahhhhh, thank God for water!

My hair has reached the middle of my back. Which means I have to get a haircut very soon or else, be mistaken as a tianak .

Got to go. (Sings): Burning Burning ... DISCO INFERNO! Burning burning! ...


Soul Patrol

I'm busy. I can't write. But just this ...

Go Taylor! Go Taylor! Go Taylor! GO TAYLOR HICKS!



I don't give much thought to blogging anymore. I used to. But I feel I'm into so many things and can't concentrate on just one.

When I started working for this group, I was assigned to payroll and finances because that was my background. I have been doing it ever since but with added responsibilities. I'm really assigned to do research and documentation for programs, for such is what my position calls for. And I do that, too. I've also been assigned administrative tasks since my boss was transferred. I thought, it's not much hassle. But then, I volunteered for graphics and web design because I love doing it it. Now, look at me. I think I'm spreading myself too thin and now, I can't decide on an area of specialty. I know what I want. But there's no position for it. It's just actually an add-on to something more serious. Until I can't decide, I will have to stretch my arms a bit longer. It's just, now, my arms are starting to hurt.

Photography class is getting really enjoyable. The class has now grown to 20 students. We will be having an exhibit and a photography contest by the end of the course. And we will be going out next week to take actual shots of actual subjects. I know I'm too poor to delve into this hobby. But I sooooo like it. Sigh. Why wasn't I born rich? At least just rich enough to afford a better camera and film developing? Hehehe.

I will make do. God provides. With this in mind, I will point and click to all eternity.


to fly or not to fly

Had a long thumb-numbing conversation with the Crow throught text messaging. His cellphone crashed and he lost my number. He can only contact me through my IM name which when offline, is patched through my phone. I refuse to give him my mobile number since he lost it.

He said I love you. I said I love you too. I didn't mean it , of course. Neither did he. There are instances when you can seperate the truth from the half-truths. And be able to distinguish between a half-truth and a downright lie.

Mambobola, he called me. Ditto, I said. Still he insists we meet even just for coffee.

Since I don't belong to anybody, I know I could fool around whenever I want. I can. But I won't.

Tempting. But no.


Alone again ... naturally

After several weeks of slaving over 3 different webpages, I decided to slack off and stop thinking. Hehehe. Problem is, I can't seem to. Been spending all my freetime playing scrabble and putting together jigsaw puzzles. Having been totally isolated from the free world because of that damn website, I say it's time to totally isolate myself by playing scrabble. Hehehe. I love my peace. I love my aloneness. There are silences that are worth basking on for hours.

Of course, the socialization has not stopped. Have managed to meet friends for dinner, breakfast or coffee when mood calls for it. I will be at Citrus on Monday celebratinga dear old friend's 38th birthday. I've satisfied the urge for Afrique's delightful pizza last Friday. And breakfast to chat about lovelife over pancakes. Still, even with the company of friends, I somehow still feel loneliness. Loneliness which I somehow manage to forget when I'm alone. Strange.

On a lighter note, photography class started last Saturday. We have about 15 students in class, a third of them belong to my age group which is not so bad. Our youngest is in 5th grade, apparently forced to spend summer classes with a bunch of oldies. But who knows, he might enjoy it while learning a thing or two. I'm excited. We will have a photo contest at the end of the course. I had two opportunities for photo challenges this summer that can actually win me some cash. But I didn't submit any entry. I am still very unsure about what I'm capable of. Regrets. I really hate regrets.

By the way, been visited again by ghosts from boyfriends past. Four of them left me messages, asking me why I've been silent. I stayed silent. :) Let them wonder a wee bit longer.


Barking Drug Addict

I once posted a story about a guy coughing during a jeep ride. Hehehe. Now I know what it feels like. (And God laughs, sits back and enjoys the moment. I threw him a look and got humbled.)

I was riding to work this morning when something scratchy caught my throat and drove me to have coughing fits - LOUD coughing fits -- in a very crowded jeepney. I could feel the eyes looking at me in fear that I might spread the ebola fever that would take them away from all their valuable time. I could feel scowls that say, "What is she doing on a jeepney if she's sick? She's spreading HER GERMS!". And I could only cover my mouth and hope that my embarassment will not turn my face and ears into a very ripe tomato.

So I held on and hoped it stops. I was thinking of getting off even if it wasn't time yet so I could just cough away and feel better for all eternity. But there was no good place to stop. People are roaming around and I fear they'll think I have TB. I was thinking of taking a taxi but that would bite my wallet with cash intended for asthma meds which I still have. Sigh. I sucked it in and wished I had water. On my stop, I hurriedly went down and got out my inhaler. It wasn't the best solution but it was the nearest one I had. I felt better after I took it. The drug addict in me got my buzz and I rode my second jeep to work in peace.

From now on, I'm bringing a bottle of water wherever I go. Sigh. I really hate asthma.


Strawberry-filled forever

Paolo catching up on some history
Back from vacation. Last minute I got myself a cold and today, it has stepped up into an asthma attack. It's too early in the morning to be awake but here I am, typing away, with stuffy nose, a resounding cough, and a headache that theatens to strap me to my bed for ... i hope ... just a day. I was back to work yesterday. But it looks like I have to extend my vacation a wee bit longer. Darn it. Just got my office computer's RAM upgraded. And the confettis on my desk had an ominous semblance of a town fiesta. I must work. But I might turn everyone at work into the nose-blowing, cough-barking zombie that I am. So home I must be. Hopefully for just a day.

The vacation was great. A much needed change of scenery, people and best of all - responsibilities. Spent a day in Subic Bay, three days in Baguio and a few more days touring Manila. Took pictures of horses, strawberries, a pig's tombstone, trees - ahhhhhhhhhh, so many trees, a fireplace ... oh, and not to forget, took my 15 year old nephew to see Luneta for a brief historical tour. Had him pose catching Jose Rizal. Also caught the Ice Age 2 Movie at Gateway. Manny has got himself a Queen. I wonder what it would be like if you got stuck in an island with a mammoth of a man, and you need him to propagate the species. Ewwwww. All that hair. LOL. I guess, if you didn't have much choice, you don't get to be finicky. It's a small world, much like the Big Brother House.

Anyway, got home to find the fridge empty and the sugarbowl dry. Sigh. It's back to the real world. And this cold is not helping.

More on the vacation in the next few days. The sun has peeped in and is making everything bluish white. Signals me to go back to bed and rest my head. Work will have to wait.


Radio in Denmark

I've been lazy to write and busy with website design. I have a virtual "DO NOT DISTURB" sign outside my bedroom door and also one on my forehead when I'm at work. So sorry if I'm so silent.

If you're Danish, live in Denmark and want your 5 minutes of fame, my friend is looking for a radio announcer. He's tired. He needs a raise. And he needs time out to talk to me. Sooooooo ... try out at Radio Als . He tells me it's a long shot to advertise here but I have a weird feeling some Danish speaking Filipino or some poor Danish person in need of a job might for some strange reason run into this blog and read it. Of course, I almost always have weird feelings that don't mean anything anyway ... but hell! It's my blog and I will advertise whatever I want here. So there.

I will be off to Baguio next week. No work. Sigh. Just when I'm loving it, they send me away for a vacation. LOL. See you around folks!


to continue

There was a break in my train of thought yesterday because of new developments in the work front. Anyway, to continue my review of the week that was ...

Sister-in-law left us DVDs of House, Season 1. I am addicted. Very difficult to pull myself away from the Dr. House and his cohorts to go to the office just when they are diagnosing a mafia patient who keeps dropping off into a coma and is turning out to be ... Tadah! Rustom Padilla! He's coming out through the witness protection program. Not as dramatic as the Pinoy Big Brother revelation, but nevertheless, convenient and effective. As Dr. HOuse believes, it is in human nature to lie, although I don't necessarily justify that as right. Being human doesn't excuse you from doing bad things. That's why we have an id.

Anyway, as much as I hate how he looks - no, the cane does not bother me - I totally love his brilliance. Of course, fictional characters are always attractive, but I can't help it ... I love Dr. House (blush blush blush). Next to him, I'd settle for Jesse Spencer who plays the very British Robert Chase. But he is much too young for me - hehehe.

I am currently reading Umberto Echo's The Name of the Rose. Some thoughts lifted from the book:
There is only one thing that arouses animals more than pleasure, and that is pain.

In support of Roger Bacon, who said that the aim of learning was also to prolong human life.

Because learning does not consist only of knowing what we must or we can do, but also of knowing what we could and perhaps should not do.

There are two other theological virtues as well. The hope that the possible is. And charity, toward those who believe in good faith that the possible was.

To you, who have been prohibited to read this blog, I miss you. And this missing you has driven me to your website even if just a glimpse of your name lets me know that your're still there and are ok.

What else? I know there's more but I can't think oof anything. Signs of times. I'm off.


Made for this

Hello readers. Been up and working like a dog for a week. The parasites gone and I hope he never comes back. As for me, life has been moving quite fast. I go to the office, and before I knew it, the clock strikes five. Did I say that I'm so enjoying my work? There's nothing like doing what you love. Lucky are we who found such calling. Anyway, the week in review:

Got a new cabinet and a side table - unpainted (don't have the money to paint it yet) -- a friend of mine made them for me. He found his third love, a new hobby called carpentry. And when he gets off work (an Engineer), he enjoys sweating before a piece of wood and shaping it like a sculptor would a stone. My cabinet is a labor of love. This friend volunteered to make the cabinets.I paid only for the materials. He did everything, acquired wood from the lumberyard, even bought the handles and after 6 days, had my cabinet delivered to my door personally. HE wakes up early morning to saw. hammer and screw everything in place. All that in between wife and kids and working an 8-hour job. I owe him dinner. God must love me to bless me with such great friends.

Ex-bf went by the house last night to chat. He's married now. And we chatted like old friends. No bad blood between us. He seem happy. I know I am. I was telling him that I haven't been to church for a while. We discussed my unholiness. I told him i like not having to pretend I'm good all the time because I know I'm not. Getting out of the church group has granted me a sense of freedom to be ironic, sarcastic, and frank. But the truth about it is, I've also become more sensitive to people and more relaxed. I don't want to be a hypocrite although I will always be at times, but I think I've become less so because I didn't have be a model to people. The problem of being a church leader is that you have to practice what you preach. And I did that for some time. And maybe I needed to go through that, and I do appreciate going through that experience. But now, I feel that I'm true to myself. That if I think bad thoughts, that doesn't necessarily make me evil, but just human. God still is a great part of my life. He is the conscience that tells me when I am bad and then I am guided to act accordingly ... or at least know when I have become selfish. It may be a bit self-centered but this sense of acceptance has given me more peace than any sermon or gospel can ever bring.



Had to do overtime work yesterday to finish a Monday-due presentation. Did finish it while battling with stomach ache and the self-diagnosed carpal syndrome on my wrist which I had wrapped in a splint because the pain had become so bothersome. Anyway, suspected the stomachache to have been caused by skipping dinner the night before. My sister, her co-worker and I watched Syriana Friday night and spent the evening laughing of how difficult it was to keep up. I think I got the gist of it. Pretty good movie. Wonder which part was based on truth. I don't know why George Clooney won an award for it although it was his best acting stint so far. But I know I could point out several more actors deserving that award. He was cute though. Even with the beard. Anyway, we had to get out of the movie house before co-worker's hubby arrives to pick us up. So we ended up skipping dinner and munching on available junk foods. Was too tired to eat when I got home so I ended up with a tummy ache the next morning. Which continued till Sunday. No Kremil-S or Zantac would banish it's pain and my joints were hurting. When my Auntie came over to check up on my Dad, she told me it might not be hyper-acidity. And she suspects a parasitic attack on my stomach. Must have tests done ASAP. Shee-it!

Anyway, it's not as bad as yesterday. But I get a painful reminder of my microscopic tenant every time I open my mouth for a sinful bite, or even just a drink of water. Yup, will have tests done tomorrow. Yup, will drink Yakult, too. Yup, will promise not to buy sidewalk food even if they look good and are cheaper than restaurant food.


Another day

There's been rumors that the jerks above will be dissolving our office. And it's not that they find no need for it. It's more that we needed to be part of a larger workforce. If they could only give us a permanent boss who knows what he's doing, I'm sure we will go places. But such is our fate. Sigh.

Took a taxi with sister this morning. (yup. I don't like staying mad at people. Too tiresome.) We had a driver who must have liked ballet because he kept swerving his taxi all over the place and must have thought it quite graceful. It only made me clutch my bag more and step on an imaginary breaks. The problem is, I don't even know how to drive so I might be stepping on the gas pedal for all I know. Anyway, with drivers like this guy, I prefer to close my eyes and relax and surrender to whatever happens. Things I can't control are out of my hands.

I realize I've always made it a point to recognize my mortality. I'd like to be able to leave this world without regrets, although sometimes that might be impropable to some. But if I can just keep in mind that I will never know when my time comes, I might as well live like there's no tomorrow. Thus, my fascination with death.

So I'm going to Baguio even if my sisters will not. I might never see Baguio again.