you're going to find yourself somewhere somehow

Been listening to Corinne Bailey Rae, "Put Your Record On". I'm sooo tired, I feel I just need to put my hair down :) Don't even have the energy to dance but the blues suits me fine. Me thinks I'm feeling more down than usual. Maybe it's just doing too much work, too many worries, too afraid, too less fun ?

Will blog more soon. Will talk more soon. Will be more noisy soon.

For now, I just need to chill.

Freakey!!!

I worry about bunsoi now that he's alone in a far away land. I'm also freakingly jealous - hahaha. Bunsoi is 10 years younger than me and he was treated like every youngest child in the family - like he was still a child. When my mom died, we didn't try to baby him - well, maybe we did, like all older sisters are supposed to do when the mom is not around. We bugged him about the mess in his room, taking baths, his clothes, his teeth, school, not planning ahead etc. etc. Let's just say, we gave him hell - LOL! But think how much he will miss that hell now I bet. Well, maybe not (guffaws).

Anyway, he emailed me that he is in his hotel and doing good. And as expected from an older sister, I emailed back:

Ok. Keep in touch. Play nicely with other kids. Don't hit anyone. Don't talk to strangers - or rather, strange men or men who look like women, or strange women. Damu daw sila dira - hahaha. Guess you'll blend right in :D And please, be careful with your spending kay there is no one to bail you out there kay kalayo sa imo. Don't think pasalubong anay. Get fat if that's possible - just not too much!

What am I doing? You're a grown man! Just keep in touch then.

Yup, surprisingly, I do have a motherly instinct.

It's freaking me out. Ughhh!

Good thing he blogs too :) Reading it makes me feel less motherly ;)

Or not.

So I'm back at work

And I'm bored. It is one of those days I guess. I find it hard to concentrate on the routinary. I can't focus on the obvious. I need something to happen.

Restless. That's the word.
And I don't know what to do about it.
I desperately need a challenge.
Inspiration.
Something to move me.
Something to work for.
A goal perhaps.

I know why I'm restless.
I can't talk about it but it is constantly on my mind.
I can describe it but words probably won't do any justice.

There will be days like this.
I close my eyes and cling to the hope that this restlessness will soon subside or at least, find relief.

Yup, there will always be days like today.

Tough Love

There is such a thing as tough love.
Probably the hardest lesson to learn and the hardest kind of love to give.
But it is also out of love that it is given.
And also out of love that it is deemed necessary.

My heart is breaking for all the right reasons.
I am stressed, tired and depressed.
And I really hate it.

But a warning must be learned,
a habit must be broken,
and a compromise must be reached.

We will be suffering the consequences of tough love for a few days.
Right now, I'm just too tired to think or do anything.
Until the message has been understood, we can do very little.

There is one thing I can do though.
I can be stubborn.
If you feel you are right, stand by it.
That much I learned from my father.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzz

There's a war brewing in the horizon.

Why does it feel like I'm right in the middle of the story "Lord of the Flies".

Dear God, we need an adult! Quick!

My brother says, "Year of the Ox, D. Expect more of that. It will not be an easy year for everyone."

And I say, "But I'm not chinese!"

On the brink of something

Not yet at my wits end but getting there. Almost. I keep picturing the beach and how nice it would be to be able to shut everything out. I NEED A VACATION!

But I can't just now. I have trainings left and right. My Dad keeps asking me to do stuff for him that he is certainly capable of doing but just want to avoid. And he keeps forgetting he can ask his six other children to do it for him. My officemates keeps asking me questions they already know the answer to, but need to ask anyway. The maid, the maid is driving me nuts! I suddenly really hate the world right now.

I wish everybody would leave me alone because I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I like helping people, but sometimes I just really want to be left alone.


SHUT UP PEOPLE! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Incidentally, I've been watching a lot of the TV series Criminal Minds. I won't make a good Profiler but I wonder ... if I have the makings of a serial killer.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Someone brought a Wacom tablet to work today. I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My doodle website is now online. Can be found here. Read and hire me. I'm in dire need of income. Wacom aside, I've got bills to pay. My brother said I tend to live beyond my means. If I examine it closely, I'm not really. But I'm taking care of a household with people who's lives I can't afford - bwehehehe. Sigh. We get by. Barely, but we do. I just hope that this business explodes because it could help a lot. Like send my nephew through college. Wouldn't that be nice? Big dreams for big small people. If it can happen to Jennifer Hudson, who knows, right?

Been a busy week. Work is ... grrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Getting a bit overboard but managing nicely. I had lots of things to blog - I think of them during the night before I go to bed. But when I get to my computer, I can't think of anything to write. So I guess you will have to make do with nonsense and scraps here and there that are not really interesting but comes straight up from the mind to the fingers. Just like this.

Have to attend photo class tomorrow. We're going caving. And I can't afford it anymore. But I can't ... don't want to give it up. I miss the days when I was so simple minded, TV is my only entertainment. Now, there's too many of them to count. And there's only one of me. Sniff sniff.

I lost 2 pounds and gained it all back the next day. Dang it!

I want that Wacom tablet!

Depressingly Empty

The fridge is empty. There's practically nothing in it but water. I have 300 pesos left for food and we have nothing to cook tonight except sugar - hahaha. And I just have enough allowance for two days. Problem is I have to go to Pototan tomorrow for Photo Class and need to contribute 200 pesos for my community's Christmas party. LOL. It's not exactly "living on the edge" but yup, I'm edgy alright. We've been assured of a bonus. Of just how much this is and when exactly they will give it remains a mystery. But even if I do get the bonus, it will just be enough to pay for the dentist, the maid's 13th month pay, the ham I ordered for Christmas, the mp3 player I promised my nephew and my birthday blow-out at work. What to do about gifts? No gifts. That's the only solution. And no Christmas either. Sigh. So what else is new? I feel sad about this but hell, I should be used to it by now. Things hasn't changed. They just tend to get a lot worse. I have an extreme need to pig-out and pretend I'm rich. But as they say, reality bites. And as always, it bites in the ass. I try to conjure a feeling of how lucky I am that the typhoon didn't pass my way, that I still have my house, my computer etc. etc. But shit! I don't feel none of that crap today.

I discovered Sims by the way. To update you, my bachelor is becoming suicidal, my roomies are fighting over who's cleaning up what, and my rich housewife just burned down her kitchen. Hahaha. That should be funny, right?

Reading two books: Bergdorf blondes by Plum Sykes and Can You Kep A Secret by Sophie Kinsella. Truth is I find both shallowly entertaining. But right now, I really can't read anything dramatic and sad. I'm opting for picker-uppers. But the truth is, the above books are really lousy! I don't don't know. Maybe I have something against women who like brand label shopping and think that a man would complete them. OMG! I might be really depressed and I don't know it yet! (insert Ordinary People theme here) The books are a far cry from J.D. Salinger's Catcher On The Rye - (I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this book) but they keep my mind off other things. So yes, I'm sticking to reading them.

Oh yeah, I spent 3 days making vector art of my three nieces in Photoshop. I figured that if I could get them printed in large format, I could give them as Christmas gifts. The girls just had their rooms painted. I hope this would be a nice addition to teenagers' room. I'll post smaller versions here after Christmas and tell you if they liked it or not. They will have to like it because they're not getting anything else from me. hehehe.

To laugh when you are down is to lose your mind. Maybe it's just the effects of the dog bite I had years ago. Or maybe this is just who I am?

In Your Face

gloat [glōt]
be smugly happy: to feel or express smug self-satisfaction about something such as an achievement, a possession, or somebody else's misfortune

Microsoft® Encarta® 2006. © 1993-2005 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

Is it sour graping to be irritated of in-your-face gloating?

This GIRL called me all the way to Passi just to brag about the cameras she had received from her grandmother. She kept repeating, "Nahisa ka? Nahisa ka?". And to add insult to injury, she would say "BEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!", like a juvenile infantile 20 year old would.

YES, I envy her. YES, I wish I had a living grandmother who would buy me those things. YES, I hate it that she has all these cameras while having one good one is all I really want. BUT I hate it that she has to keep gloating all over my face as if I'm scum. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

She did that when she lost weight and I didn't. She did that when she won in a contest and I didn't. She did it when her mom bought her this expensive camera and I still has my old Olympus. I think she does it in every opportunity she gets, as if gloating would make her superior and more lovable. (Vomit! Vomit!) At first, I thought she had every right to gloat because she had all those things. As if by just being her, she earned everything. NOT!!!!!

I HAD ENOUGH. If she gloats once more, in my face, I will have to SMACK HER!

Egos

Advance Photography Class starts today. I think I like our small group. I also think it would have been much more fun if our old group were all there too. But change is constant and so it is with our class. I welcome the new faces. That always mean new inputs. I'm looking forward to new photo opportunities. And more importantly, more challenges. Egos will balloon again soon.

I attend a photographer's club meeting - my first. We were celebrating two birthdays of two very kind and nice people, so personally, in my end at least, attendance is a must. And like all artist, photographers too have the habit of showing up their best and most recent accomplishments. For a while, it was entertaining. Watching all shots of professional and non-professional photographers is, for me, the amateur, a learning experience. But like all artists, photographers take pride in their work ... and thus have large egos to boot. Some are humble enough to keep quiet and let their pictures speak for themselves. Those are the photos I found most impressive. Because they did not explain it. Photos should speak for the photographer because that is their voice.

But there are egos that are just ... well, overpowering. And infuriating. There's this one ego I can't stand. I think he likes listening to himself talk so we let him. He seems to know a lot about everything. For awhile I was curious, then I was bored, and then I was losing my mind. He wouldn't stop talking and always manage to bring himself up in any conversation. I hate to be like that. I wish I had someone who would keep me in check in case my ego balloons itself to kingdom come.

Hehehe. Egos. Sometimes you just have to deal with it.

Woe is me! for bad ISP

I have been trying to upload newly designed websites on my brother's server. I have tried this before. Uploaded two of my web pages just to try it out and I have succeeded.

I recently created folders for my sister and sis-in-law, for their websites. The server confirmed this. But for some reason - and I've been trying for over a month now, I can't upload new pages on that site. Bwisit! I have new clients to impress. How can they do this to me. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Will have to settle for a webshot view of the html I've created. The real site will have the real contents. As per agreement, I will make the site, my sisters will have to provide the content and I'm still waiting for that.


This is for my sister-in-law.



This is for my sister's business. She's an events planner.

This means ... war

I sometimes feel I'm in the midst of a silent war. If I step to the right, I get shot. If I step to the left, a mine explodes. If I stay put, a bomb eventually finds me and blows me up to smithereens. Sigh. I have no ambition to be Condolezza Rice. I always say, I'm not one to survive a war. But like any soldier, I do what I can to get through the night.

I do not claim to solve everyone's problems. I do not even try. All I do is to get by, take a day at a time and I know I cannot please everybody. I hate it when people bitch to me and tell me I have an attitude-problem! Yudiputa! WHO DOESN'T? If I can't solve this problem, why don't you? Why wait for me to make the first move? If you claim I'm not alone in all this, why does it feel like I am? What have you done to remedy the situation? Don't go lashing unto me just because YOU CAN"T GET YOUR DAMN BROADBAND! There! You know you deserve that!

So I shake this off and wait for the next shoot-out. I don't want to carry a chip on my shoulder. I think I've carried enough already. I do what I have to do. If they don't like the way I do it, they can either do something about it or they can shove it up their (bleep). Breathe. End of Outburst. Ceasefire.

I always say that crying is not a sign of weakness. But, Dang! it is a big handicap when you're trying to stress a point. It ruins the exit. :)

Eyes are for reading

The best thing to do to shake off after-effects of a trip, is a good clean-up. So you unpack your bags. Throw all your dirty laundry to the hamper. Store away all the things you brought for the trip that you never got to use. Sigh at your pictures and make a mental note to send copies to friends and relatives. Then curl up to the welcoming covers of your bed and finish the thick book you left home.

Only, I forgot my eyeglasses back in Odiongan. It's the only working pair I've got left and I'm too broke to buy new ones. So, I've avoided doing any reading at work and I made my computer text really big. But I still got headaches just the same. And added to that, I still feel a bit of nausea from the boat ride which I haven't managed to shake off. I don't know, but it turned into a hyperacidity attack Thursday night and I need to puke again. Sigh. So I was absent from work again, Friday, with a huge migraine and dizzy spells that beelines me to the bucket. I'm alright now. I haven't left the house and I'm bored as hell. And that's terrible because I don't have eyeglasses to read!

So what I did was clean-up. Not just my bags I've brought for the trip, and the laundry, but I cleaned up my room too. My drawers, my pictures, my shoes. I've stacked my books neatly and folded all my underwear. But I'm still bored. I dream of eyeglasses and wish I could buy one before I go back to work on Monday. Big sigh.

If I was married, I wonder if I would have problems like these.

Kill me now

I don't know if it's watching too much of Grey's Anatomy or House, but the thing is ... I think something's wrong with me. It's all I think about. And the funny thing is, I can't even talk about it. Well, not entirely true. Made a desperate phone call to a friend and got sympathy and amusement. At least that diminished the desperation to a mediumly bearable non-exploding amount.

Sent message to the Crow. He responded with a phone call that I never answered. I know I'm going to kick myself for not answering ... but I'm sticking to my stubborness and my naivete ... that the right guy will come. Letter to self when I reach 40: I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!

If you had a choice, would you rather be angelically good? Or would you rather be shallowly happy?

Kill me now.

The heat is on

And it's burning.

Spent the day under the hot sun with my camera, photographing very old churches with photography classmates. Yey! A year ago I was saddened that I was so alone in this hobby and I have no one to ask about my pictures except the Muslim and the people I meet in Flickr.com and PhotoFriday. I have joined three more photography groups online but work has been sooooooooooo ... that I can't even visit my favorite sites, let alone update my own site. Anyway, this will be a one week-one entry blog again. We will have four trainings scheduled on the next two weeks. I'm sacrificing my computer for the good of ... THE PROGRAM (awe, wonder, EGO LOL!). So I won't be online as much. Maybe I could steal time away from my sister who's been hoarding the internet back home. I don't go online back home. I feel so tired, I could only sit and watch reruns of 24. I don't even have the energy to read.

But since it's burning, I take baths every night. Ahhhhh, thank God for water!

My hair has reached the middle of my back. Which means I have to get a haircut very soon or else, be mistaken as a tianak .

Got to go. (Sings): Burning Burning ... DISCO INFERNO! Burning burning! ...

What is it with sickos?

My sisters and I were watching Dateline NBC and there was this story about teenagers chatting in the net. They staged a situation where a 14 year old girl chats online, gives out her home address and tells her chatmates that she was home alone. For the next 24 hours, every hour, a different man shows up on the doorsteps of the house, clearly interested of sex with a 14 year old. The reality that a lot of men over 30 to 40 years old would be willing to meet up with a 12 or 14 year old girl who was home alone is astounding. Scary.

Then my sister told me about how she chatted with an American online. She mentioned that she was a single mom and the American started asking questions about her teenage son. My sister was careful not tp give too much information and refused to share pictures of her son. The guy suddenly have the gall to suggest a threesome with my sister and her son. Ackkkkk! SICK!

And there was this 40-something Australian who wanted to have sex with a 15 year old sister of his girlfriend. Now, if you were sane, would you still date this guy?

How many more sickos are out there? I know I've met some.

I want my usual!

What is it about breaking up that suddenly leave the heartbroken cleaning everything they can get their hands on. I cleaned my room, my office desk, my closet, rearranged my books, my pencil tray, my cds, my thoughts. And I even made a list of things to do. AS IF I’ll do it. I’m cleaning and reorganizing everything I see as if my life depends on it.

It’s true. I’m cleaning and rearranging everything to save my life. Because I now want to get back to my routine. Falling in-love has made a drastic change in my “usual”. In attempt to get back to the “usual”, I prepare everything for my comeback, only to find that everything has changed anyway, no matter how clean and neatly arranged it is.

Love has invaded everything. My computer, my phone, my desk, my room, my work, the music I listen to, the places I go.

Love is selfish. It fulfills itself and leaves the broken-hearted with the the detergent, the cleaning brush, the broom and the dustpan. It can never go back to the “usual”. No matter how much muriatic acid you pour or even if you bring in the whole Clean House dream team. Everything has become infected … by love.

Give me back my 'usual'. Please ...

because life does not stop for anyone

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

In an attempt to forget men (or this just one particular ANNOYING guy)and keep my hands away from Yahoo Messenger, i choose to drown myself in a web of words. It beats jumping off the sixth floor window. Or trying to keep a dry eye inside an office full of men. Or munch myself to death with 'hello' chocolates till I burst my seams. Or fight the urge to kill someone or go home and pretend to be sick - because I am sick, and insane. I've gone mad and there's just no cure for such a state. And it numbs the pain. I wish I was 38 years old and I can just self-destruct as I promised myself at the age of 13 - BOOM! Anything to end this gnawing endless, body-knife turning death.

And I type anything, desperate for comfort, for peace, for meaning, for relief, for anything that will get me out of this reality that seems to be "God-abandoned" ... because life does not stop for anyone.

But I'm not serious, of course. Life has got to have some drama - and a bit of exageration - hahaha. And after the tears ... you see the wonderful sky from the 6th floor window, or appreciate how sexy you look with puffy eyes, or notice that chocolates make you bloat, or the person you want to kill is not even worth your time, and you realize you do like being sick and insane. And you move on ... because God continues to turn night into day and ... because life does not stop for anyone.