2.10.2005

I'm not mad, just grumpy

The first comment I received when I made my first blog entry last July was “You’ve got issues”. Hahaha! Thank God! For a while there I thought that I was losing my mind.

I’m having one of my dark days. My home computer crashed. I’m food deprived because of the splint in my mouth. My maid’s mom got sick. And I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that the money, which is about two months over due, is not coming. And I’m trying to deal with the thought that I might not be able to put food on the table next week. I secretly hope they cut off our phone lines so my brothers will know how hard-up we are. And that they will realized that they will have to help and not wait for me to ask for it. But nobody is cutting our lines just yet. Maybe in two months time, someone will. And hopefully, by that time, I can do something about it. You see, I’m too proud to ask for help. My sisters and I discussed our options, but that’s the problem with discussing it, we still haven’t come up with a solution. And it's depressing me. I’m seriously considering selling some of my stuff (sob! Not my cd player!) – stuff that I bought with my own hard-earned income. I’m tired of being acting-Mom. I’m tired of trying to be responsible. Can I resign, please?

I’ve been losing sleep. And I’m also losing my sense of humor. And even worst, I’m starting to question my faith. And maybe I should inquire about my sanity as well. My sisters and I realized we need to be rescued. But that’s always been my problem. I can’t ask for help. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like owing other people favors. If they give help, it’s because they know they can. Sometimes, I even can’t pray for help. So you see, I do have issues. Oh my God! I’m becoming like my mom! She’s this martyr that suffers in silent tears. But I’m not very quiet, am I? And I’m sure I’m no martyr. I find other ways to vent up my frustrations. Like wearing a t-shirt that a friend sent me from Canada. It says “I’m Not Mad – Just Grumpy” with Grumpy the dwarf in his best vogue pose ever. I also draw very ugly pictures. And I have dark days like this one. I now understand what they mean when they describe this as quiet desperation. This has got to stop. I need my mental faculties about me in this time of crisis.

Last night, when everyone else was asleep, I turned on my cd player, loud enough not to wake up anyone … and in the dark and emptiness of the livingroom, I danced.

I’m not crazy. I just have issues!!!

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