Letting God

I've been carrying around a lot of anger these past few months that it has consumed me. It's no wonder that I feel tired and heavy all the time. And what's worst, I think I was also responsible for feeding that anger or allowing people to add to it.

It's timely too that this Friday, we will be having a Reunion concert of the church group I so dearly love. No matter how much I question religion and its practices, I still believe in a Catholic God and I worship him in ways I feel is right to me. In the end it's all between you and you're God. So after practicing for the concert last Saturday, I realized that I can no longer carry this resentment with me. I needed to let God. Hehe. Good thing he is All Mighty right?

So after working late on a website Saturday, at 3am, I poured out all my anger in prayer. I felt I needed to cleanse myself of all my resentments. It was bloody. LOL I had a lot of reasons to be angry. But being angry gets me in more trouble now and it's making work more burdensome. So I'm letting God carry the burden for now. These things take time to heal but I will battle hate this week. I cannot forgive yet. That will take awhile. With all that had transpired, it may even take years. But I will try to be less vindictive. And I will be more patient with this person and with myself. God cannot make miracles overnight.

I feel so blest with friends and more blest with family. I have everything I need. I think I'm surrounded with a lot of goodness and goodness begets goodness. I shouldn't let negativity take the best of me.

For now, all I can do is avoid negativity. I cannot promise to be silent when I think something is wrong. But I will stretch my patience longer. And I will try not to let my anger rule me. I will let God.

The kids will be singing this song in the concert. It's my mantra for the week: LOL.



I know I sound boring when I get all prayerful LOL. Maybe we just need to rest from all the profanities for now. ; ) Profanity will not help my dancing -haha.

Waves of hate

It's been awhile. Everything just feels off-tangent these days that I couldn't find the time nor inspiration to write anything.

Today, I encoded data for ten straight hours without eating anything. I know I didn't have to do it but I was compelled to. Anger is a strong motivator albeit a dangerous one. I realized now how much I could do with that much focus.

I wish the circumstances or at least my motive was more honorable? No, that's not it. I wish there was less resentment but the events that has transpired during the week had made me emotional and rage was inevitable.

So I forced myself to sit there and type with just one goal in mind: the quicker I get the job done, the more distance I give between me and a certain person. That reward to me drove me hard enough not to stop or think about anything else but achieving it. It also helped that I was moved not to rest when I hear her voice.

I was in rage. All I could see was red. When it manifested itself Thursday evening, I cried out of sheer frustration that I CANNOT, WILL NOT, WANT NOT to be like her. I hate that she's spreading lies and rumors about me. I detest that we can see her hidden motives and others cannot. I hate that when she spreads these lies, we are not there to defend ourselves. I hate that she's making up stories about my friends and manipulates people to get sympathy but most of all, I hate that I hate.

Hating her has become an obsession. The sound of her voice irritates me. Her mere presence makes me want to smack her. I need to put as much distance between us as fast as possible. It's not healthy. And having this much hate does not make me happy.

How can I let this go if I know she's going to keep hurting me like this? How can I stop hating?

The Difference Between Then and Now

The Greeks have two words for time. The first is "chronos", which refers to the chronological time or sequential time - the time which passes our watches when we look into it. It's also the time when we look on our calendars and see Monday through Sunday.

The second is "kairos", which is the time in between - a time of indefinite period in which something special happens. I think our teachers back in the church days called it "the opportune time" - the right time for something to happen, the God-given time.

While chronos describes quantity of time, kairos refers to the quality of how time is spent.

I'm mentioning this because people around me wonder why I changed. Why what worked ten years ago may not work the same way today. Why I, who never complained ten years ago, suddenly became fierce at this point in my life.

I used to be meek and peaceful. Most of the time, I still am. But I am at this point in my life where I'd like to be able to say: I learned something in the last ten years. And the things I learned had taught me what works for me and the people around me and what does not. It has also taught me that I can change things and that in my own small capacity, I can effect change for the better - for others and for myself.

Yes, I've become more talkative than before - maybe because I know more than before. I have formed more opinions. I now know what I like and what I don't like. I know who I love and who I hate. If I happen to say it out loud now, it just means: (1) I no longer want to keep my silence, and (2) that I now know what I believe and (3) that it's time for me to say it.

E.C. White describes kairos as "a passing instant when an opening appears which must be driven through with force if success is to be achieved".

 I no longer want to be meek, quiet and pretend I know nothing. I don't know everything. But I know enough. I no longer want to wait for change if I know change is inevitable. I just want to be heard.


It's kairos. It's time.

Too early

It's too early to get up on a Sunday morning. I can hear baduy 80's music blasting from somewhere. A more muffled Christian music is playing from my sister's room. She's organizing a Fund-raising concert and sleeps with that music day and night. And Binoy is screaming like Freddie Mercury - probably from the medicines he has to take for his cold. That baby doesn't like the sight of a medicine dropper and belts his way to Kingdom come.

I'm on my bed typing this. For the life of me, I can't bring myself to get up even to pee. Good thing that I slept with Atticus (that's the laptop's name) beside me and I have a very thick blanket around me.

A mental checklist of things I have to do flashed before me. Let's see. I have a website mock-up to finish, a concert logo to design (my sister's project), two tarp layouts for the YE event, a birthday caricature for a friend - if she emailed those pics, and a campaign poster for a friend for the Barangay elections. All that in a day. Phew! Just thinking about it tires me.

It's cold -er. I have my curtains drawn and the fan off but I still feel cold.

My friends came by last night and again invited me to go to mass today. The bell is not tolling yet. But I don't know. I still don't feel like it. I don't think a priest's sermon will rouse me enough to do good today. I need a more deeper inspiration. I think I need Freddie Mercury. Or maybe a bit of  classical music. It will take more than Sunday mass to get me out of bed in this cold.

By the way, I just killed two mice with two separate mousetraps last night. You know, those white gel-like traps where the mouse sticks to and cannot move. Have to buy more of those. I'm running out of names to call those rodents invading my peace.

My nephew's room got flooded again last night too. When rain started getting stronger - maybe the typhoon passing - the roof in that side of the room burst and created a waterfall. Flooded the dining room and my nephew's bedroom. Sigh. I really need a new house. I need to win the lotto. I need to buy a ticket to win the lotto.

But alas, I cannot bring myself to get up today. Too early on a cold -er Sunday.

But wait, I have to pee now.

I Pray For You

My sisters and I are all single. Maybe for good reason. You will need to ask our ex-es for references LOL. Our friends sometimes call us the Wicked Witches - not because we are wicked just to be wicked. But we can be really hateful to people who have done us wrong. We tend to say what we think for starters, and can be very harsh with words. Or sometimes we can just be very quite - too quite to the point that the other person becomes dead to us that we can no longer hear them. I think being brutally frank is the best weapon against a clueless boyfriend. We hate being nice when we are hurting. We don't think it's healthy.

It's normal to be bitter after a break-up. I keep telling my friends that they can never be kind to partners who did something terrible to them and took advantage of their being "too nice". Sometimes you need to be evil to be kind ;)

So we were teaching this particular friend how to be evil, because she has a good heart - sometimes too good for her own good, if you know what I mean. Anyway, we might have gone a little bit too far with Evil 101. She's now singing this song. LOL.



Or maybe we have just prepared her for someone much much better for her?

Bygones to the partner. As they say, all is fair in love and war. Haha.

Years Fly

The CROSS Tambourine Dancers way back ... 1997? I'm on the back row, third from right.

A friend of mine asked me to dance again for a concert. Now before you raise that eyebrow, let me just tell you that I'm not much of a dancer - but I can dance. I have rhythm and in my time, was part of a group who volunteer themselves to dance in public - hehe. And some people surprisingly think I can dance. It's one of my childhood frustrations - to be a ballerina, like my friends Emily and Sheila - minus the sores on their feet from wearing toe shoes. But no, I guess my purpose in this life is to work in front of a computer and not in front of an audience.

When I was active in my church group, I used to teach the tambourine dance to younger teens. It was a form of worship and prayer, and I like that I can do that through movement. Of course, I was about twenty pounds lighter then but I loved doing it.

So, fifteen years later, a friend asked me to do the same thing again, with a group, for a fund-raising next week. I said no. I couldn't imagine myself dancing. I feel fat, and too old to do those things again. Plus I was busier than ever - with three website design jobs and a waitlist, plus my day job - I didn't think I can teach, much more make time for practice. So NO, I can't do it.

Now, my BFF called me, she's a dancer too, and said that she said yes when asked because she was given the impression that I said yes. And she tried bribing me with cake and baked lasagna so that I would change my mind and go dance with her. Looking at my schedule, I was convinced that there is just no way I was doing it. I said I was not making any promises but that I will show up to help in whatever way I can.

You know how sometimes you get signs about things that pushes you to do things you do not want to do? The world conspiring - and all that shit?! LOL. Well, I saw Jennifer Grey (from the Dirty Dancing flick) doing a number in the show Dancing With The Stars. She's 50 years old. And she was as graceful and terrific, moving like she did 27 years ago. And the next day, Lisa Macuja decided to dance in ASAP - and I know she's much much older than me. Sigh. Made me think.

So I showed up for practice yesterday. They gave me a tambourine with the usual ribbons. My bribe - chocolate cake and baked lasagna - were pre-heating in the oven. And when they played the music, everything just came right back. Yup, I'm turning 40 and I can still dance. :) Serves me right to start thinking I'm too old to do anything at 40.

Now, because I still have a busy full schedule within the week, I will have two more practices before the performance (we used to have everyday practices for a month!) and then dance on Saturday with six other dancers. My only problem is buying the ballet shoes, and fitting in my dress LOL.

But I'm thinking again. And I'm having dangerous thoughts involving a bat. I blame my BFF. Jennifer Grey and Lisa Macuja. And I go back to feeling old again. LOL. Sigh. It's a cycle. I might need a new batch of chocolate cake and lasagna. :D

Nothing

In honor of Toto Mel and Ma'am Elvira Tabobo, my junior year high school english teacher:

I have nothing to write :) wehehehe.

he has though: Nothing to Say

Email Scam Spam

I'm sure you've received bogus email from people spamming your inbox asking for money in an emergency, or that you won in a lottery, or by some miracle, you inherited an insane amount of cash from someone you've never met.

The letter below was sent to a Photoshop E-group of which I'm a member. It goes:

How are you doing and how is everything. I like to inform you that I came for a program here in London but I am having a terrible expirience here, I was robbed off my small bag containing my cash and my credit card in a taxi when I was returning to my hotel room, My stay here was extended due to some important meetings i needed to attend. At this time am totally out of cash and I need to pay my bills at the Hotel and also procure some important paper work for the program I came for. I have contacted my bank for funds transfer, but they said nothing can be done because i will need to sign some papers before funds can be transferred to me here.

Please I need you to lend me the sum of $2,800, till I return home, I will need you send it to me via Western Union Money Transfer or money gram with this information. Name: Ramon Aguilar,  Address:- Mollard Hotel, Milton , Wokingham , RG41 5QG London , UK .

I am sorry for any incoviniencies this may cause you, I promise to make refunds to you as soon as i return. I have my hope on you please don't let me down, send me the informtaion from western union after sending it.

I am waiting to hear from you,

Kind regards
Ramon Aguilar

And here's the reply he got from one of the members:

Dear Ramon,
What a coincidence! I just happen to be in London on the same conference and staying in the same Hotel Mollard as you........ Not only will I be happy to loan you the $2,800.00 you ask for, but I will also advance you a further $10,000.00 in cash as I wish you to also enjoy a few extra days in the U.K. on holiday as my personal guest! To collect the $12,800.00 in CASH, meet me in the mens toilet of the basement parking lot under the Hotel. Be there at precisely 20 minutes past midnight tomarrow...... I will await you in the 3rd cubicle from the end. Come alone, as I am a bit shy, but assure you that I am an honest fellow and will have the cash waiting your arrival.

Thank you so very much for spamming the PhotoShop Techniques user group, as I would not have been able to offer you my hospitality without your request. REMEMBER, come alone and bring a large bag to carry the CASH I promise I will have awaiting you..................
Can't wait to see the look on your face when we finally get to meet, face to face..............
In all honesty and trust, I remain,
Curt H.

And a courteous response from yet another member:

That is very nice of you Curt. I couldn't find a local Western Union to transfer the money. Please give my regards to Ramon, when you see him by the third stall of the downstairs bathroom. I had thought of going to that conference as well, but didn't get signed up in time.
Andrea

 Hehe. Nice to have caring and helpful people in this group :)

The Litany

By Billy Collins

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.
---------------

I saw this poem being recited by a small child in the Butterfinger website. I loved it and just had to share it. I also would like to be the "evening paper blowing down an alley". Don't really know why. I just do. Haha.


Sunday today. I need to do overtime work at the office. And I need to work on a website. I don't know what to prioritize but I need to do both. I wish I was the bread and the knife and not the house of cards :)

devour, deliberate, devote

I've been reading - or rather listening to the audio book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I started it right after a friend's bbbbbbbreak-up. Which goes to say I gave too many unwanted advice, narrated too many learned lessons and experiences before the book. So I found the book quite interesting because evrything I've been telling my friends about God, soulmates, religion, approach to life and depression were echoed in the book. And I said to myself, "Oh goodie! Someone actually agrees with me!" So I recommend reading it to women ... or men ... in their  mid-life who thinks they have seen too many bads,and have taken too much effort to look for the goods. It would be the journal I would write if I was as good a writer as Elizabeth Gilbert. And I didn't even have to go to Italy, India or Indonesia to learn those truths. They unfolded themselves in every experience and learned from everyone I meet.

There's that noteworthy part of the book about Liz crying in the bathroom while the husband is asleep. I went through that, only on top of my bed (er, no husband), in the middle of the night, fetal position weeping. And I heard the same words, "Go back to bed" - only in Hiligaynon - from deep within myself. And that it was the most practical thing I could tell myself that night. And I slept exhausted but I had surrendered myself to whatever comes when I wake up.

And don't get me started about my thoughts on God, heaven and hell - sigh - Liz Gilbert Knows LOL because I have those same thoughts - except I'm Catholic. But I would like to embrace God in all forms of religion. And I would preach that God does love me - encompassing, unlimited, unconditional. I believe God thinks I'm precious ... and I make him laugh ... so yeah, I'm pretty special. And you are too, if you can only believe that truth.

And soulmates. Yes, about those, let me just quote from the book:

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

See? Sounds like me - only written better :)

I just love people who thinks the way I do. It just confirms that I'm not the only crazy person in the world. And in our similarities in thought, we also find we are unique - the one and only :)

I should write more about this but not now. My thoughts are somewhere else, between me and someone else LOL! Geez, I wonder if God plans to drop me a David, or can I hope? - a Felipe LOL :)

Read the book sister. You'll know what I mean.

The Sweetest Thing

I'm typing this in bed. While encoding data on a table last night I got red-faced and suddenly can't breathe. You know you're overworked when you get asthma attacks while sitting on a table writing. But I finished half of what I was suppose to do last night and collapse in bed when I got home. That was how tired I was. Sometimes I don't know when to quit.

So I called in sick and will be in bed rest the whole morning. If I get better today, I plan to jog at the boulevard tonight for some fresh air. I don't know if that's exactly the cure for asthma, but I do know that I feel better after a jog. I shouldn't have stopped running just because I was working my ass off. It should be a priority but alas, the workload sometimes gets the better of me.

I think the fatigue was also due to a very busy weekend. I attended one party after another. All I really wanted to do was stay home and work but duty calls. Binoy got baptized last Saturday and I was photographer slash godmother. We had a catered lunch at home and since kids were invading my PC, I stopped thinking about work altogether. I devoured Ox Tongue the whole day and nothing else. Gleca's makes a mean mushroom sauce so I just loved the tongue  :) Had a fun time with the family and family friends.

So in the evening, just when things were winding down, my cousin called and invited us to dinner at Olio because her parents were home from the US. So after a short nap, we headed to Smallville again and I had the sweetest native chocolate in Smallville. After brief updates on what's happening to who and who said what, we were in pretty light spirits. so we headed to Nothing But Desserts and had figillato and tea. And I got home full and very sleepy.

Determined to get some work done, I worked all of Sunday and finished a website by nightfall. Then I watched two movies - the ATeam and Salt. Was just about to call it a day when I got an email from a client with some web updates and I decided to work on it until about 2am.

The next morning - Monday, I was useless at work LOL. I was sleepy and since I finished all my workload the week before - I had nothing much to do but watch tutorial videos online. At least I was learning despite being useless and almost comatose. I had to work after six for a project - and that was when the asthma hit like I just swallowed a black boulder and it went right in my left lung. I turned red and well, wasn't feeling dandy. I took puffs on my handy ventolin and swallowed french fries to fight the panic of not being able to breathe. I know it was not the smartest thing to do - but it calmed me a bit. Food is quickest remedy to not feeling well - except when I'm combating acid. Anyway, I finished my overtime work, got home and collapsed in bed with my clothes on.

A friend just reprimanded me that I was doing all work and not enough love life. Sigh. If only I had an option, it would be all love and no work. And I know that would end very badly too. LOL.

I need to keep my balance. I suck at it.