I Hope I Don't Fall In Love With You

I woke up at 3AM again. This time to silence - no thump thumping - of the construction being done at Mega World. Maybe because of the rain. Trying to remember the last few strains of a dream - copper haired Damian Lewis in a white unbuttoned shirt bringing me coffee :) Dang! That could have been a good one.

Anyway, one of those early mornings when I can't shake off a song in my mind. First heard this one from the Hootie and the Blowfish - love this version:

The original song is sung by Tom Waits, an American singer-songwriter, composer, and actor. Waits has a distinctive voice, described by critic Daniel Durchholz as sounding "like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car" (Wikipedia) - hehe. I like that description.

 

 I'll stick with the Hootie and the Blowfish version though. Makes me want to get drunk and learn to play the guitar. And here are the chords. Still no thump thumping.

Thump thump

I should write something. It's 3am and I can't sleep. Somebody's building a large complex near our vicinity and I could hear the thump thumping of large cement poles being buried somewhere in the deep by huge machines. I don't even know why they do it at night. And I hope they don't disturb other light sleepers like me nearby.

So I said I should write. I've been so busy lately that I don't think I've had the time to think. Or maybe I'm just avoiding thinking all together so I don't get really over critical of myself and add a dark mood to the dark weather. I hope it stops raining soon.

Nothing new to report really. My house is still falling apart. I wish I were working on something significant and life-saving but that doesn't involve blood or other bodily fluids. I wish I was not so overly critical of the world or if I have to be, I wish I could spend more time with like-minded individuals - just to cure boredom and have some decent mind-blowing conversations. I wish I had more discipline and not too opinionated. But then again that wouldn't be me, would it?

So much for not darkening the mood.

The thumping has stopped. Maybe i should get back to bed.

50 shades

Finished my first 50 Shades yesterday. I'm halfway through the second book. And I didn't skip parts - LOL. Let's just say I had to cough more than usual to get through the book. And I would've thrown it against the wall (like I did with the Twilight Series) had I not been reading it on my laptop.

I now understand why they call it "Mommy Porn". And why they compare it to the Twilight series. And why they want Ian Somerhalder to play Christian in the movie version. It's definitely not for the young to read.

Do I like it? No comment. Hahaha.

Re-arrange the skies

When I run out of titles for my blog, I use the lyrics of the songs that is playing in iTunes. The one above is from "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls. Sometimes it fits, sometimes not.

So hi folks. Haven't blogged for a long time. Saying I'm busy is a constant boring excuse but it's true. Now people might see I must be raking bucks with all the work I'm doing. I'm not. I've been selling myself short and most of my projects are probono work. Baaaaaad bad. But it can't be helped. You pick your fights. I'm lucky enough that I can choose my clients - at least in my design job - but I keep saying to myself that it was never about money. But now that I'm paying bills left and right - I have to say that yes, sometimes it has to be about money. And selling myself short is one of my naive, idealistic perceptions of how to stay happy. Sometimes, I can be a huge idiot! Ah, there, I said it. Time to get smarter. There's a new tomorrow.

I've been talking to a friend of mine this morning. I told her that people call me naive sometimes. I always answer that I'm not naive really but hopeful. Naive is when you trust too much without reason. Hope probably means the same thing - LOL. But I'm hopeful that when things are not what they should be, there should be someone or something to make it right - that's hope. Hope for things not seen. Maybe others call it faith, but to me it's hope. And maybe, just maybe -that hope will "re-arrange the skies".

I am disillusioned, disappointed and dead tired. I felt that I have indulged myself way too much on hope, and food, and work. Maybe, just maybe, I need to take stock and re-arrange my skies. I'm too selfish to let myself hurt myself but that's exactly what I've been doing for the last few months.

Hopefully, my next post on this blog will be the song playing on my iTunes - Tayo'y Magsayawan. Sumabay sa Takbo ng Tugtugan. :)

Rolling my sleeves. Re-arranging my skies has never been easy. I should start start dancing towards it. Let's start by turning up the volume and getting out of this chair. LOL

Out of Touch

I've been stuck in FB. That's why this blog has been neglected for far too long. But I just can't give it up right now. While everybody's in facebook, blogging still remains my greatest love when it comes to embarassing yourself in public. LOL.

I haven't been inspired to write. Just been going through a phase that I can't quit. But just to give you a glimpse of what's been making me happy ... or mad. Here's a list: (wink)










Don't you just love Daryl Hall. LOL.

Practice Play

I thought I'd drop a word before I head off to dreamland. It's twelve midnight and I just finished editing two websites and my back hurts. That's because it's the first day back to work after the 5-day long vacation of the Holy week. That's also because, of the 5-day vacation, I spent 4 and a half days working on these two websites. One of them is a paying client, the other is probono work. And I give them both equal attention because I love to put my name on my work and I don't like embarrassing myself with mediocrity. That's how proud I am. LOL. So here I am trying to get sleepy because in 5 hours I have to get-up and plant trees in the mangroves of Leganes. It's been a hell of a month. But I'm not complaining. Not really. LOL.

The good news is I've scheduled some me time next week. For one whole day. That's all I need to keep me alive and sane. So just want to tell you all good people, that I'm quite alright, still single and without a man in sight LOL - but continuing to love life, freedom, art and the glorious, wonderful world.

Christ has risen. Alleluia. Certainly non-practicing Catholics slash agnostics are allowed to rejoice during Easter too. Hehe. I can hear my mother frown. LOL.

I wish I could write more. But facebook seems to be doing a great job at keeping me away from this blog.

Ahhh, mahna mahna. Will be back real soon. I do miss the mundane.

Love-Hate ... Choices

I usually love choices. I think people who have choices are the luckiest people in the world.  It's the privilege few who have a vast array of choices and the poor who don't have that much options - and if they do, it's usually a choice between the bad and the ugly.

Now, I usually love choices. But my greatest fear is regret. And choosing between two good options is the biggest conundrum in the world. But not deciding ... is laziness or just plain cowardice. Right now, I'm very fearful of making the wrong good choice. Mostly because I fear I'm going to hit my head on the wall once I make it.

So I'm making a choice and letting the world decide if it was meant for me or not. I would be lying if I say the outcome will not affect me. I have a strong feeling that whichever way the wind blows, I will probably end up banging my head on the wall anyway. And I'm bracing myself for that which I dread.

A wise man once said: "Do that which you dread and cherish your victories with pride. Nothing here can harm you except yourself."

So I choose to be brave and face the consequences even if the consequences will not make me happy. Face my fears. Cherish the victory of my decision. And kick my head in the aftermath.

Hopefully I can pick myself up later and brush my mistake aside. And more importantly, learn from my mistakes. And kick myself some more. Then move on.

I usually love choices.

If only I don't have to make one now.

Passport

My passport expires end of this year. And there's this Singapore-Malaysia trip being planned just before the fourth quarter. My mind tells me I can't afford it. My heart tells me, I only live once. LOL. I've been to Singapore but never been to Malaysia. I've always wanted to visit Singapore again because there's so much to see there - and Malaysia - Yeoh! I mean Michelle Yeoh - enough reason why I should see Malaysia Truly Asia.

Now, see- I'm not some rich girl who goes abroad every other year. Most of my travels are funded by hard-earned freelancing jobs - of which I've lost sleep. A lot of my expenses were freebies from my brothers who are generous enough to let me see part of the world. Travelling it's not cheap. But it's a great way to open your mind. My parents were travelers - a very good reason why they ingrained curiosity among their children. So now the curiosity never stops. And why is my favorite question.

If I had my way, I'd like to travel locally too. But they say the cost of travelling locally is not more expensive than travelling on promotional tours outside the country. And If you have money to spend, you'd go for the one which you would rarely get the chance to go to, right?

Hmmm, do I give my passport another stamp before it is replaced? Or should I set my priorities straight and satisfy curiosity in other things?

I hate good choices.

Take A Break

I'm home today - a working day. I should have lunch at Jaro - there's this huge fiesta there and several friends have asked me to drop by. But I felt I needed to really stay home today since I will probably be working until Sunday again. I caught a cold last week and have been battling asthma since Sunday. I went to the office doctor Monday and been taking meds for anti-allergies, asthma, anti-biotics and for pains and faver. Four days into the meds and I'm still sick. A friend said that I had to take a rest. I told him that asking a workaholic to stop working is like asking a drug-addict to quit drugs. He suggested that I don't give myself time to rest and sleep. And yes, I'm guilty. So here I am at home and not working.

Anyway, while in bed, I watched Mammoth, a 2009 movie which stars Gael Garcia Bernal and Michelle Williams. I've read the reviews and was surprised that it didn't get that much attention. I love the movie. I do realize that a movie-goers disposition affects much of the movie experience, and I've heard people say that the movie made people guilty about working away from the family, and how judgmental it is. I do not agree with that. And I do not see that at all. A movie can mirror reality, but it was not meant to make people guilty of anything. If you get certain feelings in a movie, it's because you get hit by your own realities or of others but it certainly does not  call you evil. Movies just tell stories. Like books, we may hate them or we may love them. But judgement - that comes from our own experiences. There are movies that are banned because people say they promote a certain belief or culture not acceptable to society. Sigh. Wake up people, so does TV! Once we sensationalize something, we put it at the center of attention. I'd like to think though that movie-goers are given too little credit. We can think for ourselves. 

Let me not get started on the Corona Impeachment - LOL!

I just want to say that I appreciated the movie and I can relate to the characters there. We all have to make sacrifices to make our lives better. It will affect everyone around us, and our decisions may not always be right to others, but it will be our decisions and we all have to live with it. And I just want the movie to get the appreciation it deserves because I thought it was well-directed, well-written and the characters made a superb performance.

Okay I'm off. Time to gas out the bad elements from my lungs.

My Prayers

Last January:

Lord, help me understand that all good things in life that happen to me do so because I deserve them. Help me understand that what moves me to seek your truth is the same force that moved the saints, and the doubts I have are the same doubts the saints had. and my frailties are the same frailties. Help me so be humble enough to accept that I am no different from other people. Amen.

This February:

We are human beings, Lord, and we do not know our greatness. Lord, give us the humility to ask for what we need, because no desire is vain; no request is futile. Each of us knows how to best feed our own souls; give us the courage to see our desires as coming from the fount of your Eternal Wisdom. Only by accepting our desires can we begin to understand who we are. Amen.

Borrowed from Paulo Coelho's Brida

I'm back to work

Or that what I keep telling myself. I haven't been lazy. There's too many things going on it seems that I keep neglecting a little bit of everything. I did get some jobs done though but they were mostly edits and tweaks and nothing that required any artistic, dig-through-your-soul passion. So now, I'm back to work. Already have jobs lined up, about two probono projects and a few serious ones. I haven't had time to close my books yet but I'm projecting a bad verdict for 2011. Too many expenses although the income was alright. I'm now beginning to think I charge too small for my services but I don't really want to change my prices for now. It's a passion so as long as my bills get paid, money is really not that important. I have decided not to travel this year - at least that's the plan. I think I need to recover my losses for 2011. Last year I had Davao, Macau, Hong Kong and Boracay as major vacations and it made a huge hole in my pocket. But no regrets though. They were deserved and much needed. I've also given up coffee and sticking to water. I need to be healthy to work. Just finished a hectic weekend with Kasadyahan and Dinagyang Festivals. I stopped focusing on photography for now. Better photographers are around whose talents I really appreciate so I will leave it to them to produce the goods for the festival. Had a good time but a bit sun-burned. I have a wedding to attend to next week plus a mini-reunion with my yahyah friends. Everything's good. So I'm back to work today, Chinese New Year. to design two website templates. Kung Hei Fat Choi everyone :)