12.15.2004

The paranoia begins

My writer friend once explained to me, matter-of-factly, that “forever” was a word used to romanticize time. What it really means is that forever lasts only until the love lasts. There is no infinity there. So forever really means whenever.

He does have a point. It would be unrealistic to believe that love does last forever. But me, being the ultimate naïve romantic, insists it does. With a LOT OF WORK, of course. I mean, we still find extinct old married couples strolling around the park with fingers entwined, right? For love to last, the couple has to be willing to work on it with blood, sweat and tears. Then they make important decisions, pray over it, if possible.

But when do couples decide that they had HAD enough? Wasn’t that a Sex in the City episode? When you hear Sarah Geronimo sing “And if forever's not enough for me to love yooouuuuuu” – STOP HER! Forever ends when one of you has had enough.

Anyway, I’m miserable because I didn’t even have that choice. My boat just sunk. And I have no way to salvage it. It is just over. And although the stubborn, romantic side of me hangs on for dear life, the practical, sensible side of me pries my fingers open and urges me to let go. Sink Girl Sink! Then the paranoia begins.

My beauty-standard issues starts to re-surface. And the confidence that I’ve managed to build up after every heart-break struggles to keep itself afloat. Did he really love me? Was I not good enough? Too fat? Too short? Too Catholic? Too independent? Too clingy? Can’t cook? What was it? … Paranoia.

Was the love real? Was there really an “us” or did I just imagine it? Bf#2 once told me when I caught him with somebody else, that he did love me and meant it … at THAT TIME. Whaaaaa?! Does that mean that he didn’t mean it other times? Which times? … Paranoia.

But why? If I DID know what it was that made him a lot more distant than he already was – would I have been willing to change? Or to compromise? Hmmmmm … (think hard).

And he would probably say, “It wasn’t you at all, honey”. The relationship just was not possible. It was just too complicated. And I would probably agree 1234% because it was all that.

Love last forever. Indeed! It surpasses age, distance, time, language, race and religion. Bullshit! Love only lasts whenever. And it has its limits.

I’m bitter. And I know it. And I need to be. It's for self-preservation. This doesn't mean I will stop saying forever. In fact, I think I should say it more often, just to prove a point. The point being ... ahmmm? ... What is the point? ... Maybe just this: when you say forever, commit to it like your life depends on it. Then maybe no one will take relationships, or more importantly, marriage, for granted. And divorce wouldn't be an option or a consideration.

(Sigh) (Ehem) This too shall pass.


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