8.11.2007

He has a wife and eight little piglets.

He has a wife and eight little piglets.
- From a Bugs Bunny Cartoon

Had dinner with my nieces and sister a few days ago. It seemed like we haven't talked for a long while because we were so into it that we never got to mingle with anyone else at the party. Very impolite maybe but we didn't really care then. We were too engrossed in our conversations. Anyway, totally enjoyed listening to musings and ideas that are unique to mine.

Two of the questions my niece asked of me was this: Don't you want to get married? Don't you want to have children?

My answer to the first question, was very lame excuse of course. I do want to get married. I do want children. But I have this cinderella syndrome that my prince charming will have to sweep me off my feet and carry me off to the sunset - no horse, on a car, on a bike, do we have to walk? I really don't care. I just need to be swept off my feet. And although that has happened to me several times in my lifetime, it never lasted long enough for me to marry the guy. I have had five proposals, three of them from just one guy. But I couldn't bring myself to say yes. Marriage terrifies me. And it still does. Now that I am "ungodly" - meaning I no longer go to church, I am more sure that I will never get married ever. It's just not in my book. I feel that I will feel trapped somehow and never be able to get out. I did say that I was too selfish to marry anyone.

To the second question, which is the main reason for this post. I saw disappointment and heartache in my nephew's eyes today. And I really can't stand it. I do want to have children. It's the cowardly part of me that says I wouldn't make a good mother. Of course, I probably will. At the back of my mind, I don't know if I can stand it if for some reason, my child's heart gets broken. I cry at the littliest of things. I hate weeping for myself and I really can't stand weeping for my kids. So I'd rather be a coward.

So you say, don't you want to experience fullness of life? I do. I do. I have experienced love and loving and had no regrets. I have nieces and nephews and I break every time they get broken. It might not be the same as being a real mother or wife. But I know a part of it. And I know that if I really get to meet the real thing, the prince charming who probably snores, doesn't look or dress like a prince but makes me laugh and hear African drumbeats, then I might actually go through everything I fear here. I will marry him and have his eight piglets.

I know. I contradict myself.

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