Pride and Free will

When something is eating me, I would know. One sign is not being to solve a single puzzle of four suit spider solitaire in five tries. Another would be not being able to sit still to fix a problem in my pc or read a book. And the last would be escaping through movies or babies :) I've been doing both lately. I know I desperately need a break - just to keep my sanity - but it can't seem to come soon enough. There are days when I just want the earth to open up and eat me alive. But thinking back, if that ever is a possibility, I don't think I will ever say that last statement. LOL. No matter how depressed I am, I have to say I do want to live and see more of the world. But then again, there are days when you think you've seen enough and just want to - I don't know - puke?

I have to admit, I bore easily. I can't stand not doing anything. And more than that, I can't stand not being inspired. It's like I'm semi-bi-polar. My highs and lows are so high and so low. Sigh. Nanay said there will be days like these. It just seems like I'm having too many of it and I'm counting the days until I blow up.

Okay, enough of my gloomy disposition. I have a baby in the house. That is reason enough to get up everyday.

On another note, I've been reading a lot about pride. There's this logo designer I've been following, David. I love his designs and I love his thoughts. A few days ago, he wrote Tell Your Story. "No one sets you apart - It's you". I copied that on my notebook. I think it's inspiring to own up to your creativeness, your uniqueness, your identity as a person. And I also think it's daunting to own up to the responsibility of your creations, your decisions, your identity as a person. I always tell my kids (meaning all nephews and nieces willing to listen) to be proud of what they have done no matter how small it may be. I like people to take pride in their work and say that they have contributed a tiny part of themselves to the world to make it a better place. Some Christians think pride is the work of the devil - I think they are wrong. Everything has to be in moderation. Too much of everything IS the work of the devil. Or more importantly - work of our own decisions.

The movie Adjustment Bureau (stars Matt Damon and Emily Blunt) talks explores the idea of free will. Everyday we are faced by options. Do we really want things decided for us? Do we really want to be manipulated into thinking we did make the choice ourselves and not swayed by invisible forces? I think I celebrate free will. I also detest it and wish someone take responsibilities for the path I found myself in. But we are products of the choices we make - (parang Coke commercial?)

And since I'm talking about movies, I recommend Reign of the Assassins (Jianyu). I'm not even sure what language it is in since it has a multi-lingual cast: Jung Woo Sung (Korean, yes - I love love love him lol), Michelle Yeoh (Malaysian, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon star), Barbie Hsu (Taiwanese, Meteor Garden), Shawn Yue (Hong Kong). I love the plot. I love the actors. And I love the symbolism of Wisdom (oooohhh) :) - it helps that he's good-looking too. Here, a leader decides who and what they do, until someone else decides who she is. I love this movie. I've watched it twice. I'm captivated by the flying and sword fighting. And the romance - well, I've always been a sucker for very unusual love stories. This one - sigh - is a must watch.

And one last movie before I go back to being boring, Gnomeo and Juliet, an animated film of the Shakespearean tragedy - but different. It contains voices of James McAvoy (Yup, I love him too), Emily Blunt, Michael Caine, Ozzy Osbourne, Dolly Parton among others. Here fate is decided by color - blue and red. Until two people decided they don't care if they're pink coz they're in-love. Another atypical romance. Funny jokes. Great 3D animation. Lovely characters.

Ah shit. Now I want to live in the movies I watch. I think I've hit bottom. LOL.

Real

My nephew who was born and raised here with us will be leaving for Manila today. He's all grown up now and ready to conquer the world. And even though he has doubts about himself, probably scared to death too although he wouldn't admit it; he's street-smart and I know he will do well. I miss him already and he hasn't even boarded a plane yet. Sigh. Who's gonna play the guitar during brown-outs? Who's going to show me goofy dances when it gets too serious? Who's the guy who will lift the 5-gallon water to the dispenser? Who's going to the store and buy the Coca-cola? :) We will miss you bud. See you soon.

I'm feeling sentimental today. I have done too much thinking this weekend. And since I had trouble with my pc and laptop, I think that's all I've been doing. It's tiring to be me. LOL.

Here's a thought. I've always thought that the true gauge of friendship is honesty. My friends all know that I'm brutally frank, and at most times I do not hold back and will not sugar-coat anything. Because of this, my mouth often gets me into trouble. But this is how I see it. I say what I think. Others may not want to hear it. Or even tell me things I don't want to hear. My real friends tell me I'm fat. Which is true. What can I say, the truth hurts. We will fight about it. We will not even talk to each other for days. But if they are my real friends, honesty will be the only thing that will keep us together. I have very few friends, and I do not need many. I just need them to be real.

I was finally able to see the episode where J.J. leaves the Criminal Minds Team. On the last part, she wrote this on her report:

Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson.
Or because I don't want to walk around angry.
Or maybe it's because I finally understand.
There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept.
Things we do not want to know but have to learn.
And people we can't live without but have to let go.

- Criminal Minds, Season 6, Episode 2

That pretty much sums up my weekend. Moving on.

about my day

Just a short note before I go to bed.

I had a long long-distance conversation with my friend Jeff on the phone this morning. He's visiting soon with his wife and I'm looking forward to longer discussions with him. Anyway, he asked to call me Beth instead of my nickname. I don't know if it's because he finds it difficult to pronounce my nickname or because the nickname means something else in the US. LOL. Anyway, I will find out when he comes over. He promised me an explanation.

I watched several episodes of Criminal Minds. AJ is no longer with the group which saddens me. And Prentice ... sigh ... It feels like losing Grissom in CSI all over again. Maybe it should make me happy that they could never replace Hugh Laurie in House?

Oh and I've been meaning to blog about the TV series called "Community" and "The United States of Tara". DON'T MISS THEM! They're funny and very entertaining.

Also watched the Inidan film "3 Idiots". Much to learn in this movie about education and success. I give it two thumbs up. There are corny parts but the whole movie more than make up for that. I even find the cultural Indian dancing showdowns, present in all Indian movies, quite entertaining. If you get the chance, don't miss it.

What else? I saw Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher's "No Strings Attached" - another romantic comedy - nothing like You've Got Mail - but I like it. And if you have unusual taste for weird conversations, also try "How Do You Know?" which stars Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson and Jack Nicholson. And I have seen almost all the movies nominated in the Oscar's but I guess if you're an avid movie fan, you would've seen most of those too - so no need to list them all here.

Right now I'm just trying to decide which favorite guy to draw to practice my lineart again. I'm torn between John Mayer (those tattooes will be difficult) and Jason Mraz with the guitar. If you've read this blog long enough, you would have known that I have a thing for guys who can sing, write, play the piano or a guitar and sport a camera like a body appendage. Or maybe my annual sketch should be a girl this time? Natalie or Kiera with those killer abs?

Ok that's all for tonight. I'm off tomorrow to attend a family reunion in Ajuy and have to wake up early. Good night everyone. All Izzz Well.

Animal Farm

Just finished reading Animal Farm by George Orwell yesterday. I was smiling to myself all throughout the book. Its resemblance to real life is uncanny. Sad. Sick. But True. I often wonder if this country is going in that same direction. But I still have hope in the goodness of people though. I'm not impressed with Noynoy, but at the very least, I think his heart is in the right place.

I've been telling my old boss how ironic that politics is preventing good and honest governance. And pitiful that we cannot separate one from the other. Or can we?

I cling to the hope that we can. That we have great leaders who will choose for the good of all and not a chosen few. We need more pigs like Snowball. I'm sure we have plenty of unappreciated stallions like Boxer. And visionaries like Major - only I hope they don't die early - and I hope we roast all Napoleons of the earth and lock their mouths with apples.

In the book, the initial commandments of "Animalism" have been changed to suit the privileged few. It's painful to read and more painful to see it happening in real life. While the small pickpockets rot in prisons for long periods of time, those who steal millions from the country scoot away free. As Orwell, or Eric Blair in real life wrote, "All animals are equal. But some animals are more equal than others."

Old Major had a dream. It's my dream too.

The paradox of pedigree

I wanted to start a project. Having lost a lot of precious photos during the Frank flood a few years ago, I've been in the lookout for old family pics I could recover. If I find them, I try to keep a digital copy when I can in the hope that dvds will keep them safer than photo albums. Here's what I have so far:

My family drives me crazy. But they are also the one's who keeps me grounded and sane. You hate them yet you love them. You can't live with them yet you can't live without them. The paradox of pedigree. Blood is thicker ... more cardiovascular for reasons we all know very well :)

Pffffttttttttt ...

I'm currently listening to the music of Ennio Morricone. I found out about him while trying to find the theme song for the movie "Love Affair" which starred Annette Bening, Warren Beatty and Katherine Hepburn. Anyway, I've been drowning myself in the wordless melody. Sometimes, solidarity with the right harmony could be the only paradise left in this world.

I should not be allowed to talk ever. I am an emotional eater. I'm also an emotional speaker. I speak what I feel and what I think. Otherwise, I will burst. But in the words of Stephen King, "The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out." I should not talk. Whenever I open my mouth - my feelings shrink to nothing but just words. And words will never seem to to capture just what I have in mind. I hate myself when that happens.

But if I can't say what I have to say, I might as well put a gun in my head and pull the trigger. "God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live." (Stephen King again). Sigh. This dark mood has to be attributed to the bad news I got. Sigh. I miss my walking buddies :) There has to peace when the music stops.

Maybe I should learn the ways of the Buddhists. I wonder what I look like with a shaved head.

I could listen to this all night long.

A Song for You is a 1970 (MY YEAR!!!!) song written and originally performed by rock singer-songwriter Leon Russell on his record album titled 'Leon Russell'. A slow, pained plea for forgiveness from an estranged lover, the tune is one of Russell's best-known songs.

Leon Russell - the original artist and songwriter as he was inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last month. (With John Mayer among others :)


Ray Charles - the version I love the most


Gavin DeGraw - the cooler rock version


Ellit Yamin - the new sound version


Donny Hathaway - the version that first made it a hit in 1971


The Carpenters - the more popular but never recorded version



I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

Against the wind

The President came by our office today. Yes, I meant the President of the Philippines.

On my free time (nyahaha), I work for the government in this huge building at the center of city. Now, it's quite common to have important people visiting our building all the time. I've seen a lot of politicians / celebrities come by from Cory Aquino, Manny Pacquaio to Miss Hawaiii-Philippines. So there is a large range of personalities we get to see - even celebrities I don't even know about. I even shook hands with Noynoy Aquino and Mar Roxas when they were still running for the top positions during the election campaign. But I voted for someone else - who also came to visit our building - but didn't get to shake his hands. (I'll give you a clue - he's a pilot - LOL.)

The only time I got really psyched-up to see someone up close was when Parokya ni Edgar came to visit and I did my best to get a closer look. I wanted to see Chito - genius that he is - I didn't even dare take a picture with him when I had a chance. I don't know. It just not me. If people flock to a certain magnet, I tend to turn the other way.

As I was saying, the president came to town. The ID card I designed a few months ago haven't been given out because we were waiting for the ID Band that's suppose to go with it. They were finally delivered the day before the visit when everybody was jumping everywhere getting ready. We've been told that we had to wear the ID at all times during the Presidential visit and while we are in the building premises. They distributed the ID about an hour before everyone was to go home so a bit of panic for those who didn't have IDs ensued but all ended well.

We were told that we have to get early lunches and be on the lobby to welcome the President by noon. He arrives at 1pm. So we were planning our workload so we didn't have to leave anything hanging while we were waiting downstairs.

On the day of the visit we were told to stay outside of the building on the duration of the President's visit. For security reasons, they will be limiting the number of people inside the premises so we were asked to stay outside. Sad to say I'm not that important. But I'm happy to say I don't really mind LOL.

So yes, I did stay outside - way outside. So no, I didn't get to see the President. I've seen him before - just last year when I shook his hands - so I don't think his face would change that much. I didn't want to join a shoving crowd so I let them have their fun.

I think the best part of the President's visit is when he remarked of how beautiful Ilonggo women are. LOL. What can I say - there is real truth to that.

And we start back at one

Hello world. It's 4am and I woke up feeling refreshed yet feeling doomed to work on yet again another Monday morning. It's normal to feel like this on a Monday I guess, when you have to compare it to a somewhat eventful weekend.

My weekend started Friday night when we celebrated my co-worker's birthday at Pirates with videoke. I miss videoke. I don't sing as much as I did before. Having joined the choir late in my life (haha - daw ka old na gid me), I think I'm not bad. I'm not the diva that can belt out high notes but at the very least I can sing in-tune and with good timing. The nice thing about Pirates is they have an updated songbook list - like they have Colbie Caillat and Jack Johnson - people you usually don't see on videoke machine lists. They even have the Korean songs I used to listen to. So I had everything I wanted there - my Gilbeys premium, my wacky co-workers and my favorite songs. I'll make it a point to return there and sing those songs again.

On Saturday, had to wake up early to do a photoshoot - again something I haven't done for quite sometime. Using my old beat-up 6 or 7-year old point and shoot, I went to my cousin's house to take pics of her products which we will be making into a website later on. I wanted to buy a DSLR last December so badly, but decided it's really not a priority, so here I am again stuck taking pics with a very old point and shoot. But you see, I never really wanted to make a career out of photography., I wanted to concentrate on my web and graphics design more. So if given the choice between a camera and a computer upgrade - I'd probably pick the later. And besides, it's not the camera that decides the good shot - although it does help a LOT! Ok, I'm sour-graping here. I want a DSLR camera badly. Preferably a Nikon or a Canon with lenses 50mm and another 20mm-80mm. It's the only thing in my website wishlist that I haven't bought. I want it badly. So here's a shoutout to the world in general - I want a DSLR camera! Please conspire and find a way to get it to my hands. :D So there, the curse have been broadcasted and I can no longer take it back. be careful what you ask for for you just might get it. Tsk tsk tsk.

Moving on. After the photoshoot, I met my high school friend Yasmin to celebrate her birthday. She's treating me to food and movie with promise of serious talks in-between. We had lunch at Chowking - for the perfect Halo-halo which she was craving for. And we watched Snow White - a really nice and dark movie about the Big Bad wolf. Reminded me of the age-old film about a falcon and a wolf -hmmmm, what was that movie called? It starred the young Michelle Pfeiffer and a German looking guy - Rutger Hauer - that was one great film too. Anyway, my friend and I parted ways coz she had to meet her kids and I've gone off to buy techie things (a card reader and a Bluetooth dongle) and (drum roll) a glass computer table - not the one I wanted to have for years but something similar. It's huge investment for me since I don't usually  buy expensive furniture for myself. But it was cheaper than the tables on the other stalls - and I went back and forth three times to make sure that's what I really wanted. The best part of the table - SPACE! I have plenty of space to layout all my shit when I'm working. So a table for my David - and it's black too.

After buying the table, I went home and assembled it for four hours. LOL. I don't think it would take a man that long to assemble a DIY table - but although I did love the process of figuring out which part goes where, I will never be quick in assembling furniture. I analyze that problem too much so it took me longer than what normal men do I guess. By evening, I was done but then I was too tired to work - although I did get some design and web work done first before heading off to bed. 

On Sunday, I went to open a savings account - a real one this time, because BPI was holding a Easy Savers campaign at the Basketball court. So Dorsy and I took the baby and opened accounts for him and another one for my Dad and one for me - so I will be forced to save money instead of putting it away. I'm not much of a saver. I can be good at piggy banks but that's about the extent of what I have done it terms of savings. A savings account is actually like losing weight. It's a decision. And I've been trying to lose weight and save for as long as I can remember. So I'm starting again. I promise to put away 10% of everything I earn this year. 

That done, I went home to watch The Way - a Martin Sheen movie that made me cry and wish I was Emiloio Estevez. I'd like to walk to Santiago and see the great view. Buen camino. That'll be a blast if you have at least a month to take leave from work.

I slept most of the day. And did a bit of work in the evening. This is a requirement for me when I work nights. I need to catch up on sleep during the weekend or else I'd be a zombie for the rest of the week. To end my day, I watched Edward Norton's  The Illusionist - very nice. I think the perfect ending to good weekend.

So we're back at Monday - and I need to get ready for work. :)

I'm tired of being me

There are days when I'd rather be someone else other than who I am and be somewhere else than where I was. There are days when I wish I had a different life - maybe an easier life - or at the very least - a life with more room to be ... well ... ME. Does that make sense?

I guess I just feel overwhelmed lately that even when I'm sitting still, my thoughts go in all different directions while my hands move to a very predictable rhythm of work and play. It's all so ... dull. I need more excitement in my life and I sometimes ask myself if ... is this it? Not far from the Darna comic I tweeted a few days ago. Sigh. I know I make my own happiness but I think I'm running out of ideas LOL.

I had another asthma attack today - my third day in a row. It's the quick changes of hot and cold temperatures that causes this and I wonder if I should be in a place that should be predictably cold all year long. But what can I do because I do love sunshine on my skin at just the right amount.

I decided to stay home today to rest up - well, because I couldn't breathe right. I - who plainly detest anything medical, finally took out my nebulizer from the box and just realized I had never used it since I bought it. It's my 2nd nebulizer, having the first one (donated by my favorite and very kind Danish DJ) drown during the Frank flood. I bought the second one to control yet again another asthma attack but never got to use it because I was drinking my meds that time. I'm not drinking meds this time but I do get puffs on my inhaler when the going gets tough. I figured I can will the asthma away and it's never a secret that I'm brainless and dim-witted when it comes to health. It didn't go away so I nebulized.

I stayed in bed and tried to sleep it off. Now, I don't normally get that many text messages. I'm not very much of a texter and my friends know this. So it was quite surprising that everybody suddenly texted me, one after the other, on that particular moment when I'm trying to catch my breath. I got twenty-five different messages from twelve different people all talking about twelve different things. And good girl that I am, I replied to all the messages while laboriously enjoying the little bit of air that entered my lungs. And the phone kept going beep beep on me. So much for peace and quiet.

At about lunchtime I got a call from a friend inviting me to lunch for a quick client-meeting. I consented, yielding to the fact that I cannot will the sickness away and I was not getting any better by staying in bed. Lunch was at a small kubo restaurant outside town - fresh air, gulay and water. I think it was air that allowed me to take in more oxygen than my little room allowed. I should go and take drives like that more often. Anyway, got home at about 3pm and slept until the sun went down. Felt better when I awoke.

This was not a wasted day after all. Though I'm again on the verge of yet another asthma attack and just realized that all my remaining Salbutamol nebules had expired last January, I'm ok to be me.

At least for a little while longer.

Yogs. DARNA! LOL. Sometimes I crack myself up. :D

Famous Objects From Classic Movies

I get bored easily. And I love movies. And I'm stuck in front of the computer most days.

So put all together and discover this: famousobjectsfromclassicmovies.com - the perfect solution to boredom.

It's harder than I thought. I got 39 movies right and 36 wrong. I'm not such a movie buff as I thought I was but try it and let me know how you score :)