10.09.2006

Beat head hammer

Ever had one of those days when all you want to do is beat yourself over the head with a hammer? Or imagine how therepeutic it would be to keep hitting your head on the wall because you did something or forget to do something, which although might not have dire consequences, would result to you hanging your head lower than your shoes because of shame and just absolute embarassment?

I'm having one of those days. And I'll keep beating my head because I cannot do otherwise. There is a human need to punish myself for my forgetfulness. Because even if it was not entirely my fault, I blame myself. And I blame myself for putting people down. And for imagining people looking at me like I'm a convict ... effects of watching too much of "Prison Break" (is it a need to associate self with Michael Scofield?).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! Wasn't it Meredith Grey who said, we keep hitting our heads with a hammer because it would feel soooooo damn good to stop?

It was our office turn to lead the flag ceremony. A few hundred people waited for us to show up, but we didnt't because we never got the message, nor did I bother to take a look at the calendar. We arrived very late and unprepared. And I'm the person people point to, because I should remember. It's a small thing really. But it was my responsibility. And so I beat my head with a hammer for not remembering and for not being on top of things.

Right now, I just want to keep hitting myself on the head with a hammer. Because I'm too ashamed to stop. People will soon forget this. I will too. But I'm living this moment now. And I will keep hitting on my head till I feel it would feel damn good to stop.

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