self less vs. god less

2 Peter 1:3-11
Make every effort to add to your faith, goodness,
and to goodness, knowledge,
and to knowledge, self-control,
and to self-control, perseverance,
and to perseverance, godliness,
and to godliness, brotherly kindness,
and to brotherly kindness, love.
They will keep you from being ineffective, and unproductive in your knowldege or our Lord Jesus Christ.

Have you ever woke up one morning and discovered you’ve become somebody you were and you are not happy to be back? I haven’t been to mass for the last four months. This state of godlessness is all too familiar to me because I didn’t go to mass regularly before the age 18. My mother had a hard time dragging me to church on Sundays when I was younger. I would rather play with my toys or read. What can I say? I am my father’s child.

I discovered God at 17. Just before that, I was in a state of godlessness. The state where you think you can do good on your own and have this distorted impression that you have control of everything you do. After 5 years of discovering God, I went back to my state of godlessness, a meaningless life that was not only boring, unrewarding but selfish. If I had a drinking problem or a drug problem back then, it might have made that situation more difficult to deal with but my battles were always centered inside my head.

Never argue with God. You always lose. Or worse, He gives you the silent treatment and let’s you figure it out for yourself. By then, you would have made a thousand mistakes. But at least, you learn.

After reaching rock bottom at 23, I found God again. He balances everything. Gives courage to fight the wrong, stand for the right and guides you to the straight choices.

Meeting the Muslim had also helped a lot. It solidified my belief in my own religion. I miss those discussions. I promised to read the Quran but couldn’t really get into it. There is such a big difference in how we view God. But it did help me appreciate his religion and my being Catholic more. Islam is such a great religion. But like the Catholics, or other religions as well, the wrong people tend to use it for self-interest. Sometimes I doubt if religion can ever be pure. But that's just me. Maybe I should learn Buddhism next. But God, though, should never be limited to just one religion. He's greater than that.

I once had this debate with the Viking about belief. He doesn’t believe in heaven. I asked him, “What do you have to lose?” If he dies and find no heaven, then he just wasted a few Sundays of church to talk to some pretty nice people. But if he dies and discovers there is a heaven, wouldn’t that be worth all the time he wasted going to church instead of rolling around in his bed? Well, at least he admitted he was an atheist with doubts. I love an honest man better than I love a religious one. Doesn't the song go: Banal na aso, Santong kabayo. Natatawa ako, hihihihi. (holy dog, horse saint, they make me laugh. hihihihi.)

I never can seem to make a consistent journey with the Lord. I see too much disparity in the world, and being the selfish bitch that I am, I tend to ask, “Why bother?” I know what I want and I want it. Period. My values pretty much arrange themselves in the order I want them. And so my life pretty much arranged themselves according to my values till I find myself in this state. This state of godlessness.

Anyway, I’m back in this state or heading towards it. I know I have to do something to get myself out of it but not going to mass has made me self-destructive and very judgmental. I’ve lost focus of my vision and mission. I need something to hit me on the head before I go right back to this meaningless life.

Endorphins. I need endorphins. And I need to make my peace with God, no matter what disagreements we may have about the things that happen in my life. If God was here with me, he’d be sighing like my mother. And I wouldn’t mind if he’d gives me a slap on the head and tell me to “Get over it!” I wish I had friends who can be that forceful when arguing with me.

I know I love my God. My problem is, I love myself too much, too; and forget everything else out there.

Loving God is the 1st commandment. Self and others fall second. The moment I reconcile that, I will find my peace … temporary peace maybe … but peace it is.

Go make your judgments. God gave us free will. I have difficulty dealing with my own. And everybody tries to do good in the best way they can, according to the life they live.

Note to self: Get your damn ass to church lassie!