The negation of self

I was cleaning the closet today and while trying doubly hard to accept that I can no longer fit in my favorite clothes, with grief I folded them and surrendered them as hand-me-downs to the next generation. I kept them because I believed that I would one day lose weight and surprise myself. But today, I decided that should I ever lose the weight I've been planning to lose, I will just buy new clothes. When did I decided on the new clothes? It was when I realized I am having difficulty losing the weight.

The train of thought went on to other things. I used to wear jewelry - earrings, mostly - and a rare occasion for bracelets and necklaces and even rings. I can't remember when I stopped wearing jewelry but I know while I could still be comfortable with earrings, I would limit wearing other jewelry to occasions where I must/I should/I am expected wear one. I stopped wearing jewelry, I think, because I couldn't really afford the real ones. And the fakes were just ... well, too fake. So I guess I decided I'm better off without them.

I used to wear a watch. When my mother's watch broke, I decided I didn't need a new one since the cellphone tells me the time anyway.

And this brought a terrible thought. When did I decide that I didn't need a husband? Maybe when they guy I was with wasn't "the one". And the guy I wanted cannot be "the one"? Maybe because I realized that Atticus Finch will always be a fictional character and will never cross over to real life. That "the one" does not really exist. And I decided that I'd rather be friends with men than marry a person who is not "the one"?

Is this the negation of self?

Now this contradicts the "Secret Theory". That the world moves with the laws of attraction. Since I've been negating myself of things I used to love, it is the reason why they don't come to me. Hmmmm.

I need an attitude change. I should never deny anything that I want or I will never get them. Ask. Answer. Receive. That's the secret.

So I'm taking everything back. I do will lse weight, I do love jewelry and fancy a Timex, and yes, I would love to marry a guy like Atticus Finch :) Hahaha. So much for attitude.


Husbands Anonymous said...

It should feel like a release! You can shop without guilt!
(Wasn't Cary Grant/Atticus Finch gay?- not a condemnation- merely an observation- Men are more trouble than they are worth, sometimes. It isn't about having a partner, so much as really enjoying someone's company enough to put up with their 'idiosyncrasies'). Neen does that, a lot. Marriage is really, really hard work, but at best- it can be wonderful.

ilongga70 said...

Shop without guilt. One problem - I hate shopping.

The Atticus I know is not gay. He had two kids and was loved his dead wife dearly, he couldn't marry again. Me thinks I should check out Cary Grant though. Maybe it will heal the infatuation. :) Hmmmm.

I admire married people - really! I just don't know if I can be one. I bore easily - even with a partner LOL. Maybe I am not just lucky enough to meet someone who can put up with me and vice versa like you and Neen (You're one lucky guy!). Maybe I have marriage paranoia. Who knows?