The paradox of pedigree

I wanted to start a project. Having lost a lot of precious photos during the Frank flood a few years ago, I've been in the lookout for old family pics I could recover. If I find them, I try to keep a digital copy when I can in the hope that dvds will keep them safer than photo albums. Here's what I have so far:

My family drives me crazy. But they are also the one's who keeps me grounded and sane. You hate them yet you love them. You can't live with them yet you can't live without them. The paradox of pedigree. Blood is thicker ... more cardiovascular for reasons we all know very well :)

Pffffttttttttt ...

I'm currently listening to the music of Ennio Morricone. I found out about him while trying to find the theme song for the movie "Love Affair" which starred Annette Bening, Warren Beatty and Katherine Hepburn. Anyway, I've been drowning myself in the wordless melody. Sometimes, solidarity with the right harmony could be the only paradise left in this world.

I should not be allowed to talk ever. I am an emotional eater. I'm also an emotional speaker. I speak what I feel and what I think. Otherwise, I will burst. But in the words of Stephen King, "The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out." I should not talk. Whenever I open my mouth - my feelings shrink to nothing but just words. And words will never seem to to capture just what I have in mind. I hate myself when that happens.

But if I can't say what I have to say, I might as well put a gun in my head and pull the trigger. "God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live." (Stephen King again). Sigh. This dark mood has to be attributed to the bad news I got. Sigh. I miss my walking buddies :) There has to peace when the music stops.

Maybe I should learn the ways of the Buddhists. I wonder what I look like with a shaved head.

I could listen to this all night long.

A Song for You is a 1970 (MY YEAR!!!!) song written and originally performed by rock singer-songwriter Leon Russell on his record album titled 'Leon Russell'. A slow, pained plea for forgiveness from an estranged lover, the tune is one of Russell's best-known songs.

Leon Russell - the original artist and songwriter as he was inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last month. (With John Mayer among others :)


Ray Charles - the version I love the most


Gavin DeGraw - the cooler rock version


Ellit Yamin - the new sound version


Donny Hathaway - the version that first made it a hit in 1971


The Carpenters - the more popular but never recorded version



I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

Against the wind

The President came by our office today. Yes, I meant the President of the Philippines.

On my free time (nyahaha), I work for the government in this huge building at the center of city. Now, it's quite common to have important people visiting our building all the time. I've seen a lot of politicians / celebrities come by from Cory Aquino, Manny Pacquaio to Miss Hawaiii-Philippines. So there is a large range of personalities we get to see - even celebrities I don't even know about. I even shook hands with Noynoy Aquino and Mar Roxas when they were still running for the top positions during the election campaign. But I voted for someone else - who also came to visit our building - but didn't get to shake his hands. (I'll give you a clue - he's a pilot - LOL.)

The only time I got really psyched-up to see someone up close was when Parokya ni Edgar came to visit and I did my best to get a closer look. I wanted to see Chito - genius that he is - I didn't even dare take a picture with him when I had a chance. I don't know. It just not me. If people flock to a certain magnet, I tend to turn the other way.

As I was saying, the president came to town. The ID card I designed a few months ago haven't been given out because we were waiting for the ID Band that's suppose to go with it. They were finally delivered the day before the visit when everybody was jumping everywhere getting ready. We've been told that we had to wear the ID at all times during the Presidential visit and while we are in the building premises. They distributed the ID about an hour before everyone was to go home so a bit of panic for those who didn't have IDs ensued but all ended well.

We were told that we have to get early lunches and be on the lobby to welcome the President by noon. He arrives at 1pm. So we were planning our workload so we didn't have to leave anything hanging while we were waiting downstairs.

On the day of the visit we were told to stay outside of the building on the duration of the President's visit. For security reasons, they will be limiting the number of people inside the premises so we were asked to stay outside. Sad to say I'm not that important. But I'm happy to say I don't really mind LOL.

So yes, I did stay outside - way outside. So no, I didn't get to see the President. I've seen him before - just last year when I shook his hands - so I don't think his face would change that much. I didn't want to join a shoving crowd so I let them have their fun.

I think the best part of the President's visit is when he remarked of how beautiful Ilonggo women are. LOL. What can I say - there is real truth to that.

And we start back at one

Hello world. It's 4am and I woke up feeling refreshed yet feeling doomed to work on yet again another Monday morning. It's normal to feel like this on a Monday I guess, when you have to compare it to a somewhat eventful weekend.

My weekend started Friday night when we celebrated my co-worker's birthday at Pirates with videoke. I miss videoke. I don't sing as much as I did before. Having joined the choir late in my life (haha - daw ka old na gid me), I think I'm not bad. I'm not the diva that can belt out high notes but at the very least I can sing in-tune and with good timing. The nice thing about Pirates is they have an updated songbook list - like they have Colbie Caillat and Jack Johnson - people you usually don't see on videoke machine lists. They even have the Korean songs I used to listen to. So I had everything I wanted there - my Gilbeys premium, my wacky co-workers and my favorite songs. I'll make it a point to return there and sing those songs again.

On Saturday, had to wake up early to do a photoshoot - again something I haven't done for quite sometime. Using my old beat-up 6 or 7-year old point and shoot, I went to my cousin's house to take pics of her products which we will be making into a website later on. I wanted to buy a DSLR last December so badly, but decided it's really not a priority, so here I am again stuck taking pics with a very old point and shoot. But you see, I never really wanted to make a career out of photography., I wanted to concentrate on my web and graphics design more. So if given the choice between a camera and a computer upgrade - I'd probably pick the later. And besides, it's not the camera that decides the good shot - although it does help a LOT! Ok, I'm sour-graping here. I want a DSLR camera badly. Preferably a Nikon or a Canon with lenses 50mm and another 20mm-80mm. It's the only thing in my website wishlist that I haven't bought. I want it badly. So here's a shoutout to the world in general - I want a DSLR camera! Please conspire and find a way to get it to my hands. :D So there, the curse have been broadcasted and I can no longer take it back. be careful what you ask for for you just might get it. Tsk tsk tsk.

Moving on. After the photoshoot, I met my high school friend Yasmin to celebrate her birthday. She's treating me to food and movie with promise of serious talks in-between. We had lunch at Chowking - for the perfect Halo-halo which she was craving for. And we watched Snow White - a really nice and dark movie about the Big Bad wolf. Reminded me of the age-old film about a falcon and a wolf -hmmmm, what was that movie called? It starred the young Michelle Pfeiffer and a German looking guy - Rutger Hauer - that was one great film too. Anyway, my friend and I parted ways coz she had to meet her kids and I've gone off to buy techie things (a card reader and a Bluetooth dongle) and (drum roll) a glass computer table - not the one I wanted to have for years but something similar. It's huge investment for me since I don't usually  buy expensive furniture for myself. But it was cheaper than the tables on the other stalls - and I went back and forth three times to make sure that's what I really wanted. The best part of the table - SPACE! I have plenty of space to layout all my shit when I'm working. So a table for my David - and it's black too.

After buying the table, I went home and assembled it for four hours. LOL. I don't think it would take a man that long to assemble a DIY table - but although I did love the process of figuring out which part goes where, I will never be quick in assembling furniture. I analyze that problem too much so it took me longer than what normal men do I guess. By evening, I was done but then I was too tired to work - although I did get some design and web work done first before heading off to bed. 

On Sunday, I went to open a savings account - a real one this time, because BPI was holding a Easy Savers campaign at the Basketball court. So Dorsy and I took the baby and opened accounts for him and another one for my Dad and one for me - so I will be forced to save money instead of putting it away. I'm not much of a saver. I can be good at piggy banks but that's about the extent of what I have done it terms of savings. A savings account is actually like losing weight. It's a decision. And I've been trying to lose weight and save for as long as I can remember. So I'm starting again. I promise to put away 10% of everything I earn this year. 

That done, I went home to watch The Way - a Martin Sheen movie that made me cry and wish I was Emiloio Estevez. I'd like to walk to Santiago and see the great view. Buen camino. That'll be a blast if you have at least a month to take leave from work.

I slept most of the day. And did a bit of work in the evening. This is a requirement for me when I work nights. I need to catch up on sleep during the weekend or else I'd be a zombie for the rest of the week. To end my day, I watched Edward Norton's  The Illusionist - very nice. I think the perfect ending to good weekend.

So we're back at Monday - and I need to get ready for work. :)

I'm tired of being me

There are days when I'd rather be someone else other than who I am and be somewhere else than where I was. There are days when I wish I had a different life - maybe an easier life - or at the very least - a life with more room to be ... well ... ME. Does that make sense?

I guess I just feel overwhelmed lately that even when I'm sitting still, my thoughts go in all different directions while my hands move to a very predictable rhythm of work and play. It's all so ... dull. I need more excitement in my life and I sometimes ask myself if ... is this it? Not far from the Darna comic I tweeted a few days ago. Sigh. I know I make my own happiness but I think I'm running out of ideas LOL.

I had another asthma attack today - my third day in a row. It's the quick changes of hot and cold temperatures that causes this and I wonder if I should be in a place that should be predictably cold all year long. But what can I do because I do love sunshine on my skin at just the right amount.

I decided to stay home today to rest up - well, because I couldn't breathe right. I - who plainly detest anything medical, finally took out my nebulizer from the box and just realized I had never used it since I bought it. It's my 2nd nebulizer, having the first one (donated by my favorite and very kind Danish DJ) drown during the Frank flood. I bought the second one to control yet again another asthma attack but never got to use it because I was drinking my meds that time. I'm not drinking meds this time but I do get puffs on my inhaler when the going gets tough. I figured I can will the asthma away and it's never a secret that I'm brainless and dim-witted when it comes to health. It didn't go away so I nebulized.

I stayed in bed and tried to sleep it off. Now, I don't normally get that many text messages. I'm not very much of a texter and my friends know this. So it was quite surprising that everybody suddenly texted me, one after the other, on that particular moment when I'm trying to catch my breath. I got twenty-five different messages from twelve different people all talking about twelve different things. And good girl that I am, I replied to all the messages while laboriously enjoying the little bit of air that entered my lungs. And the phone kept going beep beep on me. So much for peace and quiet.

At about lunchtime I got a call from a friend inviting me to lunch for a quick client-meeting. I consented, yielding to the fact that I cannot will the sickness away and I was not getting any better by staying in bed. Lunch was at a small kubo restaurant outside town - fresh air, gulay and water. I think it was air that allowed me to take in more oxygen than my little room allowed. I should go and take drives like that more often. Anyway, got home at about 3pm and slept until the sun went down. Felt better when I awoke.

This was not a wasted day after all. Though I'm again on the verge of yet another asthma attack and just realized that all my remaining Salbutamol nebules had expired last January, I'm ok to be me.

At least for a little while longer.

Yogs. DARNA! LOL. Sometimes I crack myself up. :D

Famous Objects From Classic Movies

I get bored easily. And I love movies. And I'm stuck in front of the computer most days.

So put all together and discover this: famousobjectsfromclassicmovies.com - the perfect solution to boredom.

It's harder than I thought. I got 39 movies right and 36 wrong. I'm not such a movie buff as I thought I was but try it and let me know how you score :)

Confessions of deranged me

This is a note written by my sister Weng for herself in Facebook. I just had to re-post it here coz I find it both alarming and comforting at the same time. LOL. Why? Because it describes me as well. That's me in every number :)

by Weng Daquilanea on Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 11:15am

I woke up at two in the morning to the buzz of my son’s thesis group working through the night, preparing for their defense. I’ve been so tired lately. The weariness from all that running around warped my circadian rhythm and I am now such a shallow sleeper --  the click of a light switch can wake me.  We’ve been busier than usual. More work has come to our hands. This Synod implementation process has taken over our entire office and I now realize that this is too colossal a task for our ridiculously shorthanded team of three. I lie awake musing over these things and this just hit me…

10 reasons why I’ve been feeling more tired than usual:
1. I am too controlling. I like to keep everything within my circle of influence because its easier to carry out tasks to my satisfaction when I know I can easily take it over
2. I want to learn. Lately, I wake up looking forward to the day with eager anticipation for something new to learn and discover. When an opportunity to do so presents itself, I willingly volunteer because I know that moment could be a chance I will never have again.
3. I have so little patience for people who lack initiative. I would rather take over than suffer through a task because someone’s ineptitude is slowing everything down.
4. I am not afraid to risk making a mistake. Because a mistake is an opportune time to get educated. Experience is unquestionably still the best teacher.
5. I am the boss of me. While I may have a boss, I know I function best if I am in charge. Admittedly I can be a bully. But just because I have a small voice doesn’t mean I have to be one.
6. I am my worst critic. I know my limits. I know my strengths, I know my weakness. I know what I can and cannot do. I do not allow self-doubt to prevent me from pushing myself further because I know if I try hard enough, with some allowance for mistakes, I will get better at it if not really really good.
7. I am resourceful. All my life I’ve had to compete with six siblings. Having six siblings will teach you sooner or later that life is all about survival of the fittest and if you can’t come up with ingenious ways to get to the chicken leg before they do, you’re going to end up with the bone.
8. I can figure it out. Whatever it is that I or other people claim they can’t do that needs to be done I’ll find a way to do it. I trust myself enough to know somewhere out there lies the answer to the problem. Rather than wait for the answer to come to me I seek it out myself. Why should I let my ignorance deter me? I have a brain after all I might as well use it.
9. I am empowered. I find greatest satisfaction in work that involves empowering others because I know what it feels like to be empowered myself. There is an immense joy that comes after you discover your inherent capacity to change the world or your shitty little life for that matter.
10. I am a moocher. I like to sit with people who can carry a decent conversation with me for at least 30 minutes and if they can keep it up longer then I know they are smarter so I don’t have to worry about entertaining them. I just sit back so they can entertain me while I pick their brain for free.

Evidences of the fact:
1. Training hog. I volunteer to stay through all the trainings even if everyone else won’t because that’s how I can get the most out of any learning exercise
2. Willing delegate. I willingly accept delegated task, even if I don’t know how it is done because I know I can just try to figure it out if there is no one else who can show me how to do it. We live in the Google age for crissake! Any information we need is just a google click away. Lack of information is just a sorry excuse to be a dud.
3. Slacker sickness. I hate to be late and have such an acute repugnance for people who are unreasonably SLOW… in every sense of the word.
4. Overempowerment. Empowerment can be intoxicating and sometimes I have to remind myself that if I can’t trust other people’s capacity and risk the ignominy of an agonizing defeat when we fail then we lose the point of empowerment.

That is all for now. I am convinced that I’m going to be burned out before I reach the age of 50. Maybe if I’m lucky I can simply self-destruct. Fifty would be good enough...

Note to my sisters: I know you see a bit of you in here... just admit it.

A working break

When I got home yesterday, I felt sooooo knotted up thst all I can do is read. I had to stay away from my computer for awhile. My life revolves too much around my digital life that my real life just seem unreal - the reverse of Inception - my real vs the sureal - well, you get my drift.

So today, I decided to stay  away from my pc some more and work on another project. One which requires hard labor - like cleaning and re-arranging my room. Half of the day was saving a small shelf from it's miserable state. It required a screwdriver, lots of ill fitting screws, scissors and double-sided tape. I was on all fours with reddish sore hands but I am very satisfied with my work. My room is clean - although the word "clean" is subjective in this household; and I'm typing from my newly rejuvenated work area in my room. The pc still stays outside so I can stop looking at the bed when I'm working long hours into the night. I still have a four inch pile of papers to go through to make my workplace feel like a real one but I feel accomplished - like I've just lost 35 lbs. or got paid for making 3 websites - LOL. I wish!

Anyways, I will be back to working the computer tomorrow and snubbing everybody who wants to chat that is not work related. I will be back to my normal self again soon enough folks.

A quick hi to our bunsoy who's in the hospital right now. Please, be a monkey and eat plenty of bananas. You will be an ape real soon so you need to take care of yourself.

To my BFFs, sorry for the neglect - but you know me long enough not to complain. I miss you too :)

Public Transport

Finally! Some ME time. Decided not to do anything tonight. I have some projects on the side but since I'm awaiting more data, I can put them off for another day or two. Tonight I'm gonna relax a bit.

I wanted to blog about public transport or rather the thoughts that run through my head while riding public transport. You see, it's a basic luxury of mine that I ride taxis to and from work. This can be expensive but bearable when you're sharing cab fare with your sister to and from work. When the flag down rate of taxi meters increased a few weeks ago, my sister and I have been taking cabs to work but hitching a ride here and there with her co-workers from work. This week, my sister will be out of town - which leaves me with alone with the cab fare.

I promised myself to wake up early so I can ride the jeepney to work but since I've been working nights - I can't get up early. I wake up at 6:30- and panic to get  to work by eight. But I have been taking jeepney rides home for two days now.

To keep these passages short and sweet, I bring a book with me. My current read is Umberto Eco's Focault's Pendulum which I have started and stopped only to start again when work becomes less demanding. I've realized that jeepney rides will be the only time I can read without work and the baby distracting me. When I get home, I usually start thinking about the projects I have to do within the week. In jeepneys. I only have to think about getting home. So I read in jeepneys and shut the world out.

The funny thing is, when I ride jeepneys, I also think about what I would blog about when I get home. Or think about past conversations with friends and family that I thought would be nice to talk about. But when I get home, I play with the baby, have dinner then go to work on websites and forget about blogging. But now that's I'm blogging, I can no longer remember the things I'm supposed to blog about.

I have a short memory.

Me thinks I'll sleep early tonight and try to get to work early by riding a jeepney.

Work - Issshhhhhhh

Things turned a bit toxic when I got back from Davao. I don't mind my day job - that one is manageable - well, maybe except for the fact that I will be working today - which should have been a holiday here in Iloilo. But it can't be avoided.

For the freelance work, I am nostalgic of the days when I used to handle one website every two months. Now I'm handling three or four at the same time which is a bit hell to keep track of but I'm getting good at it. I have somewhat of a system in place which makes work faster. Still, I long for the days when I can do other things at night - like read :D

I remembered when we played Pinoy Henyo last Christmas with the kids - and they let us pick the words to guess. And my sister picked hiligaynon words like "kisame" (ceiling) and "yab-ok" (dust) and nobody could get the words. Then the kids paid back by having us guess words like "hangin" (air) - and we guessed it with time to spare. The kids didn't realized that the trick to Pinoy Henyo is deduction (going from the general to the specifics) and listening only to to one person you trust who will get you to the word you need.

The trick to getting the job done is logic: deductive reasoning - taking the general and going to specifics or vice versa or just removing the whats-not with the what -can-bes. And just listening to just one person - the client. I remember someone telling me that if you solve root of the problem first - then things will just fall into place.

I'm watching a movie with a friend tonight. I need to rest my mind or they will fry.

Tao? Hindi. Hayop? Hindi. Bagay? Hindi. Liquid? Hindi. Gas? Oo.
Aso (Smoke)? Pwede. Utot? Pwede.
Hangin! Oo!

La lang. Hehe.