My Johari Window

Arena (known to self and others) accepting, complex, logical, organised, reflective, sensible	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, adaptable, caring, cheerful, confident, dependable, energetic, friendly, happy, helpful, idealistic, independent, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, mature, observant, proud, quiet, religious, self-assertive, self-conscious, sentimental, spontaneous, sympathetic, trustworthy, warm, witty
Façade (known only to self)	Unknown (known to nobody) bold, brave, calm, clever, dignified, extroverted, giving, ingenious, introverted, loving, modest, nervous, patient, powerful, relaxed, responsive, searching, shy, silly, tense, wise

All Percentages

able (7%) accepting (7%) adaptable (21%) bold (0%) brave (0%) calm (0%) caring (21%) cheerful (7%) clever (0%) complex (7%) confident (21%) dependable (42%) dignified (0%) energetic (7%) extroverted (0%) friendly (28%) giving (0%) happy (7%) helpful (28%) idealistic (14%) independent (35%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (42%) introverted (0%) kind (7%) knowledgeable (28%) logical (7%) loving (0%) mature (7%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (7%) organised (35%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (7%) quiet (14%) reflective (7%) relaxed (0%) religious (14%) responsive (0%) searching (0%) self-assertive (14%) self-conscious (7%) sensible (35%) sentimental (21%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (7%) sympathetic (7%) tense (0%) trustworthy (7%) warm (14%) wise (0%) witty (14%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 2.3.2006, using data from 14 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view dudsbd's full data.

Hullabaloo

With all the racket about People Power and asking GMA to resign, I just have one question: If she steps down, who will take her place? De Castro? Drilon? Erap? (roll eyes and shake head). I'd rather leave the country like Jimmy Paredes.

And one more thought, I suspect that outside Manila, most peoeple just continued to work to scrunge enough to put food on the table.

This country is sinking and people leave like rats abandoning ship. These rallies, which they claim is a fight for freedom, are like cannonballs being loaded to submerge the islands even faster. When will they ever learn?

father, sons, geishas

Have had a very busy week. An all-boys school had their Foundation Day yesterday. As part of the program, the fathers had to come up with a dance number with just 5 days of practice. My brother hired my sister for the event. My sister asked me to help out. Aside from trying to get to work on time every day, I had to teach middle-aged fathers how to dance "Macho Guapito, Hagibis, Mr. Suave and Blue Jeans" every night for just four days. All during that time, taking pictures of practices, mothers, sons and fathers to place into a powerpoint presentation as visuals for the dance itslef. It was no easy feat. Not all the Dads were dancers. But keeping in mind that they were doing it for their sons, they were all pretty game about it. The kids had a cameo role in their fathers' dance number. Seeing the sons together with their kids, I've realized how alike a father and son can be without them recognizing the similarity. We noticed little things. One father and son tandem have very good rhythmn. Another pair had similar habits of complaining too much. Still another, all shy and quiet. My nephew and brother both danced the same way. Mannerisms, talk, attitude, looks. All alike with just a hint of individuality. They did great! For just four days of practice, they wowed everyone. :) The night ended with a fireworkds display. Was very tired but too tired to sleep.

Squeezed in between practices and picture-editing, I managed to watch Memoirs of a Geisha. I loved it. Read the book just a year before Zhang Ziyi reached stardom in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The movie reminded me of how amazing the book was. It was the only William Golden book I've read but I remembered that I couldn't put it down. The movie was well-planned, sticking to the important parts of the storyline. Liked it that they ended it when Chairman and Sayuri finally came together. What they did not mention was Sayuri's struggle still continued after that. She was able to migrate to the US with the Chairman after the war. But the Chairman was married and she remained a geisha even in the US. Have a high respect for geishas after reading the book. Wonderful. Gripping. Absorbing. Must watch.

ascending boom

Had a fight with my Dad about money.; the one thing I really hate fighting about. When 2005 ended, I promised myself not to worry anymore. If things take a drastic change, I will not be the only one responsible. But sometimes, I feel I'm being dragged back to this pit and nobody seems to care. I'm fighting the urge to worry and I'm fighting the urge to solve everyone's problems. I should not feel alone in this. But sometimes I feel I am.

I wish I didn't care. I long to live far, far away and live a life all on my own.

It's just one of those days I guess.

Next to you

if i had me a bag of good wishes
there's no mystery to what i would do
i would use all my magical powers
and try to get next to you

i would bring you a field of flowers
as your lucky star would do
with my heart i would paint you a rainbow
if i could get next to you

there's so much we can share
however far too long

we both know that there's so much here
this is where i belong

late at night when i close my eyes
make believin' that you are here
dreamin' of the things we do
if i could get next to you

in my mind, ooh ooh, i have kissed you
and it feels like a thousand times
i'd lose track of all the hours
dreamin' i'm next to you

this is where i belong

late at night when i close my eyes
make believin' that you are here
dreamin' of the things we do
if i could get next to you

in my mind, ooh ooh, i have kissed you
and it feels like a thousand times
i'd lose track of all the hours
wishing and hoping
that i could get next to you

Thanks to Cat

Tillykke med foadselsdagen

Viking celebrates his birthday in this part of the world in a few more minutes. He is more at peace with his crisis over and getting back enough sleep after days of early morning duty. I thought he was hiding a daughter. Turned out it was his niece who didn't know how to speak English and affirmed my suspicions with a Ja and a Nej, only to find out that she had no idea what I was talking about.

At about the same time, writer friend is probably protesting about the Muhammed cartoons. I cross my fingers and hope he still has a sound mind and a still heart. I hope he has not run off and burned embassies. I hope he realizes that he was not being attacked. I hope he has not forgotten to dance to the Leanne Womack song. I hope he has continued taking pictures of freedom fighters and be thankful for what he already has.

Crow just dropped me off after coffee at the 24-hour food chain. We had long silent moments where we just stare into space, lost in our own thoughts. It's been happening quite often now that it has become comfortable. The silence. The mystery. The unknown. I don't know which is worse, the unfeeling or the uncaring. But it's too late now. I really do not care. Everything is as it is. What you see is what you get. And I am being me. For now, this is all I need.

On the far end of my neighborhood, ex-boyfriend is dreaming about his wedding. Sent me a message one night to say that he misses his ex-best friend. I told him, he can call anytime. And I reminded him he still owes me the dinner he promised. He said it might not be a good idea since people might see us and get the wrong impression. I said it was ok and wondered if I'll be invited to his wedding. If I was, I'm not sure if I'd go. Too much history. Not sure how the new woman in his life would take it. (Enter song: What the world needs now ... is love ... sweet love.) I decided I will go only and only if the bride invites me. I have no angst about him getting married and I'm pretty sure, no regrets either. But if he can't have friendly dinner with me, then there might be friction in the issue of ex-es. Que sera sera. What will be, will be.

As for me, I'm tired. Been working on a lot of things. Spent my whole weekend editing a photograph for a client. Was not pleased with my work but they paid me anyway. I'm not sure I deserve it. But I knew I did put a lot of effort on it. Was also spending time as one of the technical staff in a all girl's school alumni homecoming. Realized how lucky I was to have been enrolled on a co-ed school. But I also realized the difference between a girl and an assumptionista. No, I wouldn't remember to comb my hair when I'm running around working. I wouldn't mind a mismatched outfit once in awhile. But damn, them girls really know how to look good even at age 82. Will be spending this Saturday teaching fathers to dance. Sigh. One foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Just a day at a time.

Listening to the Serendipity Soundtrack. Yes, I'm still dancing.

For better or worst?

There are instances in your life that a lot of things are not happening to you but they are happening to the people you love. And because such things also tend to catch you offguard and makes you want to do two things: (1) stiffle a laughter worst than death; and (2) throw something againsts the wall and watch it break to pieces. Somehow, thinking that I can do one of those two makes me feel better already. And writing without a planned path is always therapeutic for me.

Anyway, My Dad at 75 borrows my computer from time to time to write speeches for an audience or just everyday stuff for his sanity. Since he doesn't know how to operate the printer, he lets me view his documents so I can print them. It was then I discovered a letter on my computer written by my Dad for someone else. It's no secret to me that my Dad had loved someone passionately while he was married with my mother. The thing is, I never held it against my father for loving someone else. He stayed with us. To me, that took a lot of sacrifice. Of course, I hated the thought that they, my parents, were unhappy together in all those years they were together. I'm sure they had moments when they were content. But that's exactly why I fear marriage. I don't like to be caught in a situation where I should feel I'm stuck. But I don't know if you can control falling out of love in marriage or falling in-love while married. I've heard of too many real stories. Too many unhappy couples. A married-friend said, you never know your partner no matter how long you've known each other. People evolve. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worst. But who can really judge, which is better? and which is worse? Sometimes separation is the answer. I think I heard that somewhere. In the movie Matchmaker, "Sometimes the easy way out is the right way".

So sometimes I think, why marry at all? Is marriage just a fairy tale of happily ever after? Or maybe I've stopped believing in the power of love?

Living-together is already an accepted notion among my friends living abroad. I don't think I'm all for it yet; because locally, people still had not embraced living together outside of holy matrimony and divorce, na-ah! I still like to believe that marriage is an institution and should be taken only by the brave and courageous. Personally, despite of what I've seen, I'm still anti-divorce. It seems to be an easy way out, and not the right way out. In marriage, it should be the last life-or-death option.

Maybe it's geography. If I'm so afraid of marriage, why do I still want it?

I'm blaming it on Cinde-***-rela. I think Beauty and the Beast is more realistic.