A wide grin is all it takes

I had thoughts going aimlessly around my head. Thoughts that should be written down for posterity. But right now that I have my blog on hand, they escape me. Let me meditate for awhile, maybe it will come to me.

Went to the mall today. Left the seminar early and wandered around like a lost puppy. First thing I did was buy a cheap book on Visual Basic. After learning all about ASP.NET, I realized I need to brush up on my programming skills. And since I'm a jack-of-all-trades dropout, I need to work harder than Com Sci graduates who don't really like to be programmers but have the diploma I want. Anyway, at the back of my mind, I'm beginning to think that my business will outlive me. So the second thing I bought is notebooks for my college nephew. He has to be prepared for college. And I've already told him that he will inherit my computer.

Next stop was the shoe department. I really wanted to buy shoes. Now that my small business is picking up, there is a need to look presentable to clients. And although I have a good set of passable wardrobe that I hardly use (mainly because I don't like to dress fancy - I prefer comfort), I still need a few more things to spice it up. But looking at shoes today, all I could think of is the 2G flashdrive I wanted and the router I have to pay for. So I ended up without shoes, but bought something for my nephew that erased any craving to buy anything else. :) I was rewarded with a wdie grin and unlimited supply of hugs. I think that would last me till his next birthday and Christmas even- hehehe. I know. I spoil him too much.

At work, things are a bit rough. Relationship are tight but strained. A lot of disagreements. I realized that this is what it means to be older. I wonder, if we were younger, we would have let things like this slide and not take things personally. Now, we get affected by the littliest things. I used to be afraid of growing old. I used to feel the stress my parents had when they were having tension at work. And I used to say how difficult old people are. I'm there now. I guess, the older you get, the more set you are in your ways, you become more adamant when it comes to your principles and you get easily emotional about things. I can't change my age. But I hope I can still keep my disposition young, my temper in check, my emotions objective and my opinions ... MY opinions - hehehe. They're mine. I don't think anyone has the power to change that. I just proved that I am really old.

About age, I keep telling people I'm 37. I forget that I turn 37 when the year ends. Maybe it's preparing the self for getting older.

I've also been juggling three jobs for the past 6 weeks. I have my daytime job, my after-work part-time job for my former Brit boss and I have my after-part-time-job business with my doodle web and graphics. It is a bit stressful. But I am actually enjoying myself. I love interacting with my clients. I love the opportunity to learn. I love love love what I do. Viking once asked me why I work so hard. I told him that it doesn't feel like work most of the time and that work stops me from thinking that I don't have a lovelife - hehehe. And it's no so bad. Not yet anyway. I miss sex though - hahaha.

(Wide grin). I'm not enthusiastically happy. But hard as it maybe to believe - I am happy.

I love affirmation

I got my first website pay check. I have three choices: (1) Pay loans it took me to start a business. (2) Pay for the router which I am using and currently don't need since I'm the only one with a computer at home. (3) Get the breast operation. I'm leaning on the first two. But neglecting three might be a huge mistake in the long run. I did say I will self-destruct at the age of 38. I have 18 months left. Morbid. I know, I am morbid but nobody reads this blog anyway so it will be our little secret.

I got my validation. I'm doing a layout for a cake brochure. It's something I always wanted to do and always seem to do for free. But now, I will get paid to do it which is soooooo cool. And my client just told me that my price is too low. She says "selling good taste is not cheap." Hehehe. I love being praised - hahaha.

I hope this business flourishes. Was it in the Alchemist that said that when you follow your dream, the world will conspire to make that dream come true? I think the world is now in conspiracy. I'm getting a free training on .net on Monday. Yey!

Almost done

I have nothing to write. My life is THAT exciting. Hahaha.

Almost done with the website. So I'm going to have some free time on my hands finally. And more time to read. My nemesis comes and goes so stress has gone down to a minimum. And my partner-in-crime has returned from a long vacation so that helps a lot. My Brit boss and wife will also be returning soon so my part-time job will soon be over too. Just the prospect that I will have nothing to do already bores me to death. And there's got to be something wrong with that.

Anyway, I miss Gil Grissom. When is he coming back?

Hypertension

Experienced my first hypertensive attack today. Blood pressure rose up to 130 over 90 which is quite normal they say but that I needed to take a rest. I wonder when does it stop being normal if it's hypertension? I had heart palpitations, chest pains, difficulty in breathing, was feeling nauseous and had a headache that would make Hulk Hogan cry. For awhile there, I thought I was going to die. I'm now thinking of digging up my last will and testament. I wrote it in a notebook somewhere. Just in case.

Was very angry about not being listened to by someone I feel strongly to be an incompetent @#$%^&. I hate it when someone will not listen to reason and pushes their own ideas for their own benefit. I hear their voice, and my blood pressure rises. I find it ridiculous. And I find @#$% points irrelevant and insignificant in the issues being discussed. We were making protests without research and consultation which is absolutely stupid! And I find it more ridiculous that only I have the brains to point that out. I guess I should have kept silent, but why should I? How can we correct a wrong by being quiet? We ask for change and yet we accept it without understanding it? It's common sense people! If you want change, you have to make it yourself! I will not be the one to forever hold her piece if that piece is big enough to affect a whole Godamn building! I know I might get in trouble voicing out my opinions but all I really want was just to be heard! Why can't you listen????!!!

Before I have a heart attack, I'm going to stop and eat leaves.

On being Filipina

I ran into this post a couple of weeks ago. I can't help but react. I'm Filipina. Why are we in the beware list? There has been increasing jokes about Filipino maids (on books and on TV). I believe that Filipinos are popular because they are good, resourceful and industrious workers. I know discrimination does happen to fellow Filipinos living abroad. So just wondering, is Filipino the new black? the new arab? the new mulato? It's sad isn't it. That all these people see is just part of the whole when the whole is bigger than the sum of all its parts. Tee hee. Just thinking.

From Paolo Coelho's Warrior of Light:

The warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and makes these decisions with courage, detachment and-sometimes-with just a touch of madness.

Amen.

Heat is On

Yesterday, I walked four blocks. Had two errands to run. The first was to drop by my boss'es house to get a fax message and the second was to take shots of the Hall of Justice for a website. It was freaking hot at 4 pm. But since I was not getting any exercise, I decided to walk. The jeep detours behind UP and decides to head straight to downtown Iloilo. I went down San Agustin, walked to my boss'es house, then from there, walked to the Hall of Justice. The funny thing was, even though it was very humid, the walk made me feel better. I really need to walk some more.

It's 87 degrees today. My brain is dried up and I can't seem to move an inch without dropping sweat. I carry my electric fan wherever I go. And I can't get myself to work if I feel hot. I take baths two times a day now which is ironic because there is a water shortage. I get headaches if my head heats up.

My boobs are tender and hurt. I don't know if its a warning that my period is getting near. Or it's reminding me to take that operation. Maybe it's just the heat.

Hay Buhay

I'm having a bad day. It's too hot to work and I just got the phone bill. I finally transferred it in my name because I promised my Dad that I'll take care of it. And since I got the DSL going, I thought that it would eventually be my responsibility. But I got the bill and there are charges there that I didn't make. So I feel bummed up again.

I feel like I finally took a step forward and got blown away and found myself reeling two steps back. I was saving my bonus for the operation and for paying for the router. The income I will be getting with doodle was planned to invest on stuff I will be needing for the business. But looks like it will all slip away from my fingers. I also haven't been paid for the overtime work (two of them) I've done for the company this April. I just can't seem to get by no matter how I try. Maybe I just feel more depressed than usual. I haven't done any serious shopping for a long time. I am angry ... because I can't do this. And I hate it! I really hate it. I just want a new pair of shoes. aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh!

I really wish that just this once, I will be spending things on myself. Not on the house, or groceries, not on drinking water, not on the maid's wages, not on phone bills and business investments, but on my selfish, I-don't-need-to-take-care-of-anybody SELF.

I'm not going to Denmark. I think I knew that even before I admitted that to myself. I have too much too give up here. And I don't know if it's wise to live there.

It's labor day today. Isn't it ironic?