Hmmmm

I'm tired. But I've always been tired now that I'm holding two jobs. And feel so sad that I have very little time to blog or don't have the energy to blog when I have something to blog about.

Anyway, my sisters and I have been watching this TV series called "Brothers and Sisters". It's all about the Walker family and how their lives is affected by each other's struggles and triumphs. It's quite funny and entertaining. I've been trying to figure out which sibling I was. My younger sister said I was the second son, Thomas. And she was the gay lawyer-brother Kevin. I agree. I don't like confrontations, I don't speak much and I pretty much keep to myself. Not very colorful compared to the other siblings maybe, but I don't really mind. I find John Wheadon cute. But Rob Lowe is perfect - well, at least the Senator he plays. Too perfect though.

Ako ay may sariling mundo. (I have my own world). And I like it that way.

I'm off. Two days overtime and I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. House again. Bye.

I forgot why I write

It's been a long time and I have been writing sparingly. I have forgotten why I write. Life has been busy but it always has been. I just didn't find it in myself to write again. My topis have become predictable and chronological and boring even to myself. I love the writing I did when I wanted to be a writer, frivolous nonsense which I always find funny. I sometimes wonder if I've stopped being funny. Hmmm .... there is no more Muslim to laugh at my jokes, and the Viking has given me my privacy - so he doesn't read my blog anymore. It makes him worry too much.

Today I went to look at old blogs I have not visited for a long time. Celibate in the City was a favorite. Reading it again has made me want to blog again. I should do it more often.

I miss the Muslim. I miss the Viking. I know I can contact them and they will be there for me. But I don't know if I can. I don't want to get too attached. It is always difficult to let go.

Anyway, I plan to blog a little each day and tell you about my life as it is now. Boring and uneventful as it may be to others, it never is in my mind.

I want to become a writer, for myself. I want to become a photographer for myself. But in real life, I am so much more. Hehehe. I love myself too much.

He has a wife and eight little piglets.

He has a wife and eight little piglets.
- From a Bugs Bunny Cartoon

Had dinner with my nieces and sister a few days ago. It seemed like we haven't talked for a long while because we were so into it that we never got to mingle with anyone else at the party. Very impolite maybe but we didn't really care then. We were too engrossed in our conversations. Anyway, totally enjoyed listening to musings and ideas that are unique to mine.

Two of the questions my niece asked of me was this: Don't you want to get married? Don't you want to have children?

My answer to the first question, was very lame excuse of course. I do want to get married. I do want children. But I have this cinderella syndrome that my prince charming will have to sweep me off my feet and carry me off to the sunset - no horse, on a car, on a bike, do we have to walk? I really don't care. I just need to be swept off my feet. And although that has happened to me several times in my lifetime, it never lasted long enough for me to marry the guy. I have had five proposals, three of them from just one guy. But I couldn't bring myself to say yes. Marriage terrifies me. And it still does. Now that I am "ungodly" - meaning I no longer go to church, I am more sure that I will never get married ever. It's just not in my book. I feel that I will feel trapped somehow and never be able to get out. I did say that I was too selfish to marry anyone.

To the second question, which is the main reason for this post. I saw disappointment and heartache in my nephew's eyes today. And I really can't stand it. I do want to have children. It's the cowardly part of me that says I wouldn't make a good mother. Of course, I probably will. At the back of my mind, I don't know if I can stand it if for some reason, my child's heart gets broken. I cry at the littliest of things. I hate weeping for myself and I really can't stand weeping for my kids. So I'd rather be a coward.

So you say, don't you want to experience fullness of life? I do. I do. I have experienced love and loving and had no regrets. I have nieces and nephews and I break every time they get broken. It might not be the same as being a real mother or wife. But I know a part of it. And I know that if I really get to meet the real thing, the prince charming who probably snores, doesn't look or dress like a prince but makes me laugh and hear African drumbeats, then I might actually go through everything I fear here. I will marry him and have his eight piglets.

I know. I contradict myself.

Shades of gray

As a child, you didn't know the difference between right and wrong. You learn this daily, steadily. You learn that you can't touch fire because you get burned. You learn that you can't always get what you need no matter how much you cry. You learn that a hug always gets a hug back, that sweets, though enjoyable can lead to tooth aches. So you eventually learn to distinguish between right and wrong, black and white. And you learn to try to keep to the right path because following the wrong seem to lead you to situations you don't want to be in.

As you grow older, and get more responsibilities, you get exposed to situations that have blurred edges. Black and white has become different shades of gray. What is legally right may be morally wrong. What is financially beneficial may prove to be an emotional strain. What is perhaps right can be at other times wrong. Thus, the blurred edges, the masking of black and white.

I decided on the morally right thing today. That right, right now, feels emotional and financially wrong. But that has always been the case isn't it? The right is not always the most popular, and the most popular may not always be right.

Alas, to me, there is no more black and white. It's all in different shades of gray.