3.28.2005

Box Labels

Funny how you discover things about friends that quite shock you just when you start to think you have already figured them out. And funny how they too have just discovered these same things about themselves that they didn’t know about till it was brought into the conversation.

Somehow, I feel saddened by this particular discovery – and it’s not because I discovered that part of him, but more because I discovered a different part of me. I have always prided myself about being open-minded; of seeing things in different shades of gray rather than limit them to black and white. I just discovered that my shades of gray are limited to the few pixels I have allowed myself to see.

And I always try to approach life with a sense of wonder, in the eyes of a child … where everything is new and fresh. But now I’ve started to doubt if this was such a good idea. There are certain harsh truths that you just can’t block from your mind; Not everything is fresh or new. Sometimes the world out there is not just made of beauty and art and freedom and idealism, but of burdens and nasty realism and restrictions and a hunger for something that’s not there. I certain veracity that makes you cringe when you uncover its genuineness.

I have been thinking of changing my eyeglasses, mainly because it affects the way I adjust the focus of the lens in my camera. This gives new meaning to my presbyopia … far-sightedness, meaning I can see objects clearly when they are far from me, but I get blurry images with objects nearer me. (Near-sightedness means you can see near clearly, far blurry - I know, I get them confused, too.) Have I become superficial and would rather view things from a distance? Have I failed to become more personal and see the grit and grime of the things closer to me?

The Gestalt Psychology states (and I had to research this because it won’t let me sleep) that the whole is different from the sum of all its parts (yeah, you heard that before, didn’t you?). It describes how people tend to see just a pattern, an organization, a generalization; yet makes a clear oversight that such pattern is made up of tiny shapes; that such an organization is made up of different individuals; that such a generalization is made up of varied consequences.

Funny how we tend to put people in a boxes and label them Christians, Muslims, Prudes, Queers, Righteous, Criminals. Yet that’s just the whole of it. In that same box would be fathers, daughters, friends, foe, lovers … real people.

In this world of discoveries, how can I limit myself to just what I see and not unearth its true authenticity? I should try to honor the courage of truth – even if it’s way beyond the pixels of my imagination. I should be glad that he was honest enough to explore those possibilities with me. I am still quite shaken although I might be actually considering it out of curiosity. Maybe I am glad to know that truth about him after all. Even if it has somewhat disturbed me.

Geez! There I go again. My gift is over-analyzing things. It is also my curse. I have started thinking again. Deep, waaaaaay too deep. If I think like this all the time, it won’t be long that I’d find myself in a mental institution. But maybe this is my truth. And I am just being authentic.

They can’t lock me in a box and call me INSANE, can they?

3 comments:

Outburst said...

I've been wondering myself lately if there is such a thing as thinking too much.

:) said...

chin up, co Cap.

-V

ilongga70 said...

Outburst, me thinks ur right.

Co cap, I think I've reached the stage where I no longer care. :D