On Being Me

I really hate periods. Stomach pains have gotten worst now that I'm getting older. If I had been a boy, I don't have to face these monthly battles. But I wonder if women are the stronger sex because of such battles. That includes giving birth of course. There can't be anything that can compare with that.

We hired a teacher to each us javascript yesterday. And I really enjoyed the class. The geek in me. We had these exercises where we have to make things happen on an html page. I love it. It's like solving a jigsaw puzzle or a brain basher puzzle ... only better because you wouldn't know the right answers till you get it and there are so many ways to get it ... that making the least codes ... well, it's a challenge. And I love a challenge.

I expected myself to dive at it this Sunday, but I decided to just relax. I spent my day eating papaya and watching old movies. Watched Al Pacino's Author, Author and my favorite Fonda movie, The Golden Pond. Mainly, I just chilled out till I've actually frozen.

I'm wide awake at 3 a.m. now. I've been doing that a lot and find myself really tired when I get to the office. But I can't change back my sleeping patterns just yet. It has embeded itself in my brain and I biologically wake myself up like a self-timing alarm clock. Yup, I'm beginning to sound like my mother. I'm beginning to fear dying like my mother did. But that's just me.

Right after the rain

Got stuck in Tigbauan yesterday with a flat tire. We attended my brother's welcome party at Igbaras and had dinner there. On our way back to the city, somewhere between Guimbal and Tigbauan, we felt the car wobble. We stopped in the dark in the middle of nowhere and had to change a flat tire. It took a long time because they had trouble getting the spare tire loose. After about 30 minutes we were on our way and passed the Tigbauan plaza. And again, the car wobbled. Our spare blew another flat. While try to think what was the best way to go, the family we just met at the party stopped
to see if they could help. They ended up unloading the women while some of the men took the original tire to Guimbal to have it fixed. After about an hour of waiting, they came back, with the verdict: tire is beyond repair. So we sent my sister-in-law, her daughter and a male family friend with the family we just met. The plan was we stay to guard the car, they go get tire fixed in the city and get extra tires if needed. It drizzled. But we were in good spirits, so we were fine.

I was left with the guys: my 2 older brothers and my 2 younger nephews. I was not willing to go home just yet. And well, I really don't want to hitch a ride on a cramped jeep. So I stayed with the guys and we talked while the rain drizzled.

During our small talk, we discovered that the songs we sang back in kindergarten, all had the same tune: Ba Ba Blacksheep, The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Litte Star. All have the same sound. This discovery was a result to listening to a 3 year old sing all three songs one after another. I find it amusing. That all these years, I never realized all three songs is just the same song with different lyrics. :) Hmmmmmm. And my teachers back in kindergarten never told me this. A conspiracy! Hehehe.

Vincent van Gogh, who himself suffered from depression and committed suicide, painted this picture in 1890 of a man that can symbolize the desperation and hopelessness felt in depression

Our conversations turned to a more serious note. My eldest brother revealed that clinical depression actually runs in the family. His wife, a psychiatrist, made this observation among us siblings. And came to that conclusion, that we were all clinically depressed at one point or another - most of it happened when we reached the second and third year of college. To some of us, this resulted to major life changes. To some, it had been an obstacle to get over. And all seven of us siblings went through it. So it was not ADHD at all. It was chronic depression. And the funny thing is, depression is present in half of the country's population - but has remained undiagnosed in the majority. We laughed about this news. It again would explain a lot of things. Why we were the way we were and why we had trouble getting out of it. The cure really starts in the awareness of being depressed. It is easily treatable. The problem is in realizing that you are depressed and need help. :) The only reason we survived our depressions was because we were too analytical to stya depressed. Hehehe. So that was what it was. And that is why we are.

So this is the final confirmation: we are crazy. It runs in the family. And damn it, we don't really care. Crazy people are destined to greatness - hehehe. And we all laughed ... as all nuts do.

Lake House

Was telling the Viking last night how I was so busy with work that I've been feeling so very disconnected from anything else. Disconnected from humanity because it's all been work. And the people I speak closely to, I talk through machines. Yup, I'm so feeling alienated from every thing else and though I love learning new things at work, I really wish I could just have some time to drink coffee with friends and talk about reality. No shop talk or scripts or reports. Just personal stuff. Sigh. I will have to make time and make it a top priority this week.

Was watching Lake House last night with sisters. Really liked it. I don't know why it was never a blockbuster. Maybe it's because of the impossibility of the timeline? :) That was fine with me. He's alive! He's alive! It reminded me of a J.D. Salinger short story ;) But it was sweet, really. Pulitzer Prize winner and Tony Awardee David Auburn writes the screenplay. I think it was unique. I just have some questions. Why didn't they show the bedroom of the lake house? Was there ever a bedroom since it was a glass house? I like the plot twist. I like how they started the movie at her leaving and his arriving. I'm adding it to my chick flick list of Pretty Woman and You've Got Mail among others. :) I like movies that make me feel good about the world in general.

Finished JD Salinger's Nine Stories. My favorite is Esme - With Love and Squalor. Still, despite of the loveliness of my books and the movies I watch, nothing can replace the sweetness of reality.

Anonymous daw

Quoted from kooki's blog:

In a brief conversation, a man, speaking to a woman, was out to pursue the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asked, "Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said, "Yes" as she began to expound...

"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself.

I pay my own bills.

I take care of my household without the help of any man- or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money... I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection Mentally. I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection Spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... Believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection Financially because I don't need a financial... burden.

I am looking for someone who is Sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but Strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone who I can Respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... He just has to be worthy.

God made woman to be a helpmate for man. At this point, I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face, and exclaimed, "You're asking for a whole lot!"

To which she gracefully replied...

"Only if you think I'm not WORTH a lot." :)

If a guy asks again, give him this.

Too early

Haven't had my morning coffee yet but I'm already at work. I love riding jeepneys to work very early in the morning. Most students would have arrived in their respective schools. Office workers with 8 to 5 jobs will still be haggling with the maid about dinner and doing last minute housekeeping before heading off to work. So that makes the minutes between 7 to 7:15 a.m the best time to travel. Jeepneys will have generous seats available and will be generally quick in picking up passengers. The sun will not yet be sweltering hot and will be at an angle where the coolness shade of trees would touch your skin. Except for the occasional perverts who like peeping at your low neckline, you can get to the office quite relaxed. I use this time to be oblivious to the world by reading a book on the jeep. My oblivion is heightened by the earphones attached to my mp3 player which I would play loud enough to drown even the noisiest of engines.

Yup. Waking early even without coffee has its rewards.

Beat head hammer

Ever had one of those days when all you want to do is beat yourself over the head with a hammer? Or imagine how therepeutic it would be to keep hitting your head on the wall because you did something or forget to do something, which although might not have dire consequences, would result to you hanging your head lower than your shoes because of shame and just absolute embarassment?

I'm having one of those days. And I'll keep beating my head because I cannot do otherwise. There is a human need to punish myself for my forgetfulness. Because even if it was not entirely my fault, I blame myself. And I blame myself for putting people down. And for imagining people looking at me like I'm a convict ... effects of watching too much of "Prison Break" (is it a need to associate self with Michael Scofield?).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! Wasn't it Meredith Grey who said, we keep hitting our heads with a hammer because it would feel soooooo damn good to stop?

It was our office turn to lead the flag ceremony. A few hundred people waited for us to show up, but we didnt't because we never got the message, nor did I bother to take a look at the calendar. We arrived very late and unprepared. And I'm the person people point to, because I should remember. It's a small thing really. But it was my responsibility. And so I beat my head with a hammer for not remembering and for not being on top of things.

Right now, I just want to keep hitting myself on the head with a hammer. Because I'm too ashamed to stop. People will soon forget this. I will too. But I'm living this moment now. And I will keep hitting on my head till I feel it would feel damn good to stop.

What were we talking about?

My friends and I have this game where one starts a conversation with a sentence. And the another would butt in with another sentence coming from a totally irrelevant topic. And then another would react to something again totally far out from the previous sentence. The test is to see how far out our topics could get from the beginning sentence. And it goes on and on till we laugh at how funny and how totally unconnected our conversation would turn out. But you see, that happens to me a lot. LOL. I jump from one topic to another at a slight switch of a word. So I'm thinking, I might have undiagnosed ADD.

It has been a standing joke in the family that ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) runs in the bloodline. Our bloodline. My siblings, cousins and their offsprings tend to get bored real fast. It's a wonder that some of us had managed to stay in a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and would last longer than our refrigirator. And it is no surprise that most of us stayed longer in college than everybody else, or took several courses before settling on a profession, or picking different courses and liking everything. The Jacks of all trade, masters of none ... or several, whichever strikes our fancy.

I'm beginning to think that there is some truth in that. I might be an undiagnosed ADD person. I was helping out a friend with his computer, reformatting it and all. He was making small talk the whole time and I just realized that I can't remember much of what we talked about. Most of the time, I was thinking of his computer and what to do with it. I would pay attention to our conversation but before long, my mind had wandered to some other place. It wasn't because I was bored. I just can't pay attention long enough to grasp everything. I'm a bad listener. Which would explain why I get easily bored with studying.

I wonder if you get lapses of ADD. You know, get it one moment and be extremely focused the next. It's strange because I can be focused on some things. Sometimes so focused to the point of obsessing about it. But when it comes to doing two things at the same time, I fade out from one to the other, like a fly would jump from one plate to another.

Here's what Aileen Bailey says about ADD:

Students with ADHD tend to tune out lessons that are “boring” or do not interest them. Adding in giftedness, concepts and lessons can be learned quickly and tuning out can occur much quicker. Students may fail to hear and learn important information later in the class. This can also cause students to have a full comprehension of the concepts, however, lack the skills for practical applications of the concepts. One mother had her son tested in math. He was in 11th grade and could not seem to pass a math class. The evaluation showed that his understanding of math concepts was above a 16th grade level, however, his computations were in the 8th grade level. Once he understood the concept, he tuned out the lesson and didn’t feel he needed to practice. The concepts made such sense and were so simple for him to understand, he never bothered to listen and practice. He made simple mistakes, failing tests and his ADHD caused him to lose homework on a regular basis. He felt inadequate, and didn’t understand why he could not do math even though he understood it. He felt stupid and ridiculed and yet his understanding of the subject was probably high above the rest of the class.

Yup, I definitely have ADD. Of course, it would be a convenient excuse when I can't remember conversations I had. But, come to think of it, it would explain lots of things.

I wonder if they have tests for ADD in adults.