Letting Go of Atticus

If you've been reading this blog long enough, you now know I have this weird habit of naming my gadgets - just so I can differentiate which files go where. I also have the bad habit of naming them from characters of books and movies I just read that I get obsessed about. That's because I also get obsessed about my gadgets.

My first computer was named Kimberly - a second-hand computer that was named after a passing dialogue from a movie by Meg Ryan which was bought for a measly P12k which was then quite too steep for me. My second computer was also bought second-hand but was way better than Kimberly because it had an LCD monitor, and a more upgraded capabilities. That one was named David from David Cook whom I had a huge crush on for turning a Mariah Carey song to a rock ballad. David was later replaced by Arun, a brand new I-really-couldn't-afford-him PC, named after a character from an Amir Khan movie his wife made. After David, I got a laptop called Atticus - the wise Attorney from the book To Kill a Mockingbird.

Which brings me to this post. Atticus retired last week. His batteries was no longer working, his power cord was replaced and now needs to be replaced again. His keyboard gets stuck and can't type. So when I finally bought a new laptop to replace Atticus (named Katniss Neverbeen), had to give away Atticus to people who might be able to fix him and find some use for him and his parts.

So now I have five unforgetable partners in my digital world. Tande - the PC from work, Arun- a personal PC, Jon Snow - my smart phone, Arya- my tab and Katnis Neverbeen. I'm sure if any of these retire, and since I never forget working so hard just to afford them, I will soon write a fitting tribute to one of them to say goodbye.

Goodbye tticus. You served me well.

So here the thing ...

I'm having a bad day. Come to think of it, I've been having a hell of a month. But today, just this particular day is just not the day I'm very much happy about. It is just plain and simply a bad day, the baddest day of the week.

I am having a very busy day, but then again, I'm always busy. And I like being busy. I am busy because I like helping people. So much so that a lot of them just sort of gets drawn to me whenever a similar problem comes back again. And mind you, when I help people, I'm not very polite. In fact, I'm mostly quite sarcastic. Mainly because they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. And we keep meeting up because I end up answering the same problem over and over again.

Which leads me to think if it's any good trying to be helpful to people. Because then, you become their go-to-girl, and it doesn't matter if you've just recovered from pneumonia, or are having coughing fits due to the sudden changes in temperature or are also busy just to keep your life together. It doesn't matter because their tasks are sooo much more important than what you're doing right now.

Which pisses me off when people try to be helpful. Because I'm tired and just had a bad day and trying to control coughing fits. And any advice of how to get better just gets me agitated because I CAN'T. I'm in a middle of a lot of stuff that I can't get out of. And I don't like to stay in bed and get massages because I don't like massages from strangers I don't know.

Which brings me to this thing ... I like being busy even if being busy is slowly taking me nearer the grave - I'm not afraid to die. My fear is more on prolonged agony. If I took the advice of everyone afraid for my health, I wouldn't have lived long enough to have done the things I did. Because to me, I have lived and am still living, and doing something I really love doing is my absolute peace and my absolute hell ... and there are days when there's no where I ever want to be than to be in this exact same state. It's where I thrive. It's where I hold my breath only to start breathing again. This is how I live. It makes me happy and depressed at the same time.

So here's the thing ... I don't like people telling me how I should live unless I ask them to. It's my life, my death, my regret, my choice.

And if you're still reading this, you know me well enough to know that there's nothing you can do about it. See, I choose my friends wisely.

Why not

So it's 3:20 a.m. and I'm wide awake. I called in sick yesterday because of a heavy asthma attack the previous night. It has developed into a sickly sore throat that makes me cough. Had a mild fever in the afternoon and spent the rest of the day lying down with half my body propped up in a pillow so I can breath. So now I can't sleep again because it feels like I'm drowning when I'm lying down. So decided to research my meds on the web and one website led to another and finally I made it back here. So I said why not?

I really have nothing much to say. I'm working hard, sometimes pretty hard that I can hardly give anything focus because I fly from one thing to another. I know I should slow down and maybe wrap my head on what I really want to do with my life. For some reason, I feel very tired.

It's normal for people to have highs and lows in their lives. I think I've been having too many lows. Which worries me. But it's not something I can't do anything about. I think I'm waiting for a boost, or a push, or a smack in the head to get me going. But I've been saying that for a long time now ... hmmmm.

What am I doing? I sure don't know what I'm waiting for.

My stomach is rumbling and I'm not even hungry. Makes me think of my mom.

Half a League

Whenever happy thoughts of my mother appears in my reverie, a poem comes to mind. The Charge of the Light Brigade by Tennyson.

She was telling us a story of Tatay when he had been a judge to a declamation contest in Passi and a child came up the stage and recited that poem with a very ... wet resemblance of English diction. She would then imitate the poem from memory - bad delivery and all and we  would all burst out laughing. You have to really hear it to understand. I knew the poem but I can only recite it the way Nanay would - funny and badly.

Recently however, I was watching this Sandra Bullock movie on TV and the poem came up. And there it was explained the irony and sorrow of the soldiers who had to go to war. It was said that Tennyson wrote it just after reading about the Battle of Balaclava during the Crimean War.

Read the poem in that light today.

As a pawn in the sea of political humanity, you begin to wonder what honour is.

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a league, half a league,

  Half a league onward,

All in the valley of Death,

  Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!

Charge for the guns' he said:

Into the valley of Death

  Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'

Was there a man dismay'd?

Not tho'(though) the soldiers knew

  Some one had blunder'd:

Theirs not to make reply,

Theirs not to reason why,

Theirs but to do and die:

Into the valley of Death

  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon in front of them

  Volley'd and thunder'd;

Storm'd at with shot and shell,

Boldly they rode and well,

Into the jaws of Death,

Into the mouth of Hell

  Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,

Flash'd as they turned in air

Sabring the gunners there,

Charging an army while

  All the world wonder'd:

Plunged in the battery-smoke

Right thro' the line they broke;

Cossack and Russian

Reel'd from the sabre-stroke

Shatter'd and sunder'd.

Then they rode back, but not

Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon behind them

  Volley'd and thunder'd;

Storm'd at with shot and shell,

While horse and hero fell,

They that had fought so well

Came thro' the jaws of Death,

Back from the mouth of Hell,

All that was left of them,

  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?

O the wild charge they made!

  All the world wonder'd.

Honour the charge they made!

Honour the Light Brigade,

  Noble six hundred!

—Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Sad Day

I buried a friend of mine today. He was 41 years old and didn't want to die. In fact, he wanted to be on his toes by Christmas time to join us in parties and small get-together. But such was not his fate and I went out to Mina today to say one final goodbye to his body. Tonight, I will be meeting up with old high school friends to celebrate his life and we will remember him as he was alive and how he would have loved to join us in such occasions.

During the mass today, I realized my own mortality. I've been talking about death in this blog and kept talking to people that I'm sooo ready for it. That it was everybody's finale - and that everyone will have to go through it at one point of their life. Just ... not now.

I guess when you're on the verge of death, you will always wish you didn't have to go. Maybe because you realize that there's so much more reason to live .. and to see ... and to talk about.

I will be spending time with my family in a few days and I've been looking forward for weeks. I can't die now. Not yet.

are you still having fun?

You are on your own
You do as you please
Having so much fun
Gone and lost your reason
After all is said and done
Well are you still having fun?

 - Eagle Eye Cherry, song "Are You still having fun"

Went clothes shopping today. That's because I had to get rid of a lot of clothes in my closet because I no longer fit them. I'm in panic but I can't seem to stop eating nor bring myself to get back jogging.

Damn. Being stressed is an old and worn-down excuse for eating what you shouldn't. Work should not be prioritized before personal well-being. Tiredness and asthma cannot be an excuse to avoid exercise.

I know all these in theory. Now if only I can summon all my will-power to get to work on the weight loss and the being healthy bit of my day-to-day existence, I'll be fine.

I cannot wait for inspiration. I cannot wait for a kick in the head. The only motivation I should need is that I love myself and I want to be able to feel more comfortable with my body.

Now na. Now na. Now Na! Gadarnit!

It's Just a movie

Just finished the Iran-Iraq movie called "Turtles Can Fly". I started it yesterday and thought it was too heavy so I decided to put it off for tonight. Damn! Now that I'm done with it, I can't be done with it. I'm very disturbed. I can't even say it's good because it was so dark, it's unspeakable. Was it effective? No shit! Yes, it cuts through, bleeds you until you wish you didn't get to finish it.

And this was just after I saw the Rachel Weisz movie about human trafficking in Bosnia - The Whistleblower a few nights ago.

Enough dramas and true-to-life films. It;s just too damn depressing.I now need major cheering up.

It's only a movie, right? But sometimes it's just not.

Time of the Season

So I buried my dad about two weeks ago. Technically, I'm still in mourning mode - the basis being that I haven't bawled like a baby just yet.

I did when Nanay died nine years ago. It happened during the wake. I started crying and just couldn't stop. I was inconsolable for a few minutes and can't get a hold of myself. So they let me cry until I ran out of tears or until my eyes looked like they just had their period.

I think I'm undergoing a different kind of mourning. And even I wonder how many kinds there are. For one, we haven't cleaned out Tatay's room just yet. We cleaned out Nanay's closet about two weeks after her funeral. It was more therapy and closure really. Plus we needed to make the place more livable for Tatay then, when he would be sleeping alone and  didn't need a constant reminder that he was sleeping alone.

Two days after we buried my dad, we went to a neighbor's wake - one of tatay's good friends in the olden days. Two days after that, we also buried my aunt, my mom's older sister. And when I went to work on Monday, I had to set-up a video screen for yet another wake - another of Tatay's political cronies. And then about five days after, I went to attend the funeral of a friend's mom. You'd think that this would make Nov. 1 so much fun now since everybody will have yet another reunion at the cemetery. While that could be true, I still think I need to bawl and I don;y know why I haven't yet.

Death is final. It's the only sure and constant thing that will happen to everyone at any point in their lives. I think that is why we were never to keen at taking pictures during the death of a love one. Aside from the fact that people are not really too sure if they should smile for the camera when they're standing beside a coffin, I am just not comfortable of pictures during a funeral. Well, maybe for documentation later on . Maybe we need proof that we were at someone else's funeral?

I avoid looking in coffins. I personally hate funeral make-up - no offense to the make-up artist - considering they are working with dead people who cannot  suck in their cheeks to show their cheekbones for the artist. No, I just don't like remembering my dead that way. I want to remember them living, moving, laughing. I want to celebrate their life and not their deaths. I want to remember how they lived.

The funny thing is, our community celebrated Halloween today. Our neighbor helped decorate the front driveway with two ghosts, and some pumpkin heads to get the kids into the mood while trick or treating. Our own little boy, dressed in his Superman costume was scared shitless of the ghosts outside the driveway and couldn't bear to go outside without company. So much for wanting to keep things funny and enjoyable. At least, it did what it was set out to do - to scare innocent kids. I wonder why we find that funny. Maybe it's nostalgia for the days when we were scared shitless ourselves when we were small.

And so tomorrow, we will again go to the cemetery to visit our dead on November 1. We had set-up a tent, flowers and candles for the ocassion. We should bring pictures of our parents too = to make it easier to remember why you're there in the first place.

You'd think that all these signs of mortality looming in front of us would want us to live better lives. But no, we didn't buy healthy food to bring the to the cemetery tomorrow. We bought comfort food because technically, we are still in mourning.

That's why they call it life

So I finally got to watch Oprah's last episode.We don't have cable TV so it took me awhile to get there but I finally did it. Now, critics say Oprah should not be a prime authority when it comes to telling people how to run their lives. To me that's full of shit. Anyone who can influence people to want to do better things in their lives should be honored. Of course it will not stop dumb people from misinterpreting their advise - and there's danger in that kind of influence - but still, I believe that people are generally smart enough to want what's good for themselves and what's good for others.

I watched the last episode twice. On the second run, I took notes. LOL. Here are my notes, mostly quoted from Oprah:

• This is exactly where I wanted to be. This is what I called to do.
• Everybody has a calling and your real job is to figure out what that is and get into the business of doing it.
• You will receive in direction proportion to what you give
• You have the power to change somebody's life. The power is the same for all. Use your life to serve the world.
• Nobody is responsible for your life except you.
• You are responsible for the energy you bring to yourself and the energy you bring to others. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction (Newton's Law).
• Feelings of unworthiness is the root of all problems. 
• You are worthy because YOU ARE BORN. and YOU ARE HERE. And YOU ARE ENOUGH. (Reminds me of a line from the movie The Help - You are kind, you are smart, you are impoh-tant :)
• Everybody desires validation. (Including you and those that make your life difficult - haha- can't resist to add that in). Everybody asks: "Do you hear me? Do you see me? Does anything I say mean anything to you?"
• Know God - the guidance greater than bigger minds.
• If you don't pay attention to the whispers in your life - they will hit you like a ton of bricks. 

Makes you think, doesn't it.

So I looked for my original Jerry McGuire moment in this blog and thank God for blogger and search boxes, I found it easily here. Which also led me to my Mondo Beyondo list back in 2005. My list has changed after seven years though. Some of the basics are still there but I got to accomplish a lot of items that were on my list. I feel that because of that list, I got to live my life the way I wanted.

But here I am seven years later. Like marriage, the relationship with oneself needs assessment and rejuvenation. I've reached the crossroads again. I have found myself unhappy - not so much as I was back in 2005 - after all, I did find my calling. But something tells me I'm not quite there yet. So I need to revisit my mission statement and change it to the direction I want in my new age - 41. I need to do it now before it can hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel there's so many things I still want to do and so many things life has to offer. I don't want to reach the end of my days regretting the things I didn't do. I want to say I lived.

That's why they call it life.

Any questions for Ben

I love long holidays. Spent this Monday morning cleaning my room a bit. Moved my bed a few inches then I'm done. Kidding. Then spent the afternoon teaching a friend how to use Photoshop. I was rewarded with chocolate cake and coffee. Yup, I get paid pretty well by just talking. Haha. When I got home I had this Australian movie waiting for me.

I love the soundtrack. I love a movie with a great soundtrack - sometimes I remember the soundtrack more than I remember the movie but this one is a chick flick you'd want to see.

The lead character is into product re-branding and marketing - which is probably why I can relate. Made me ask the same questions though. Why am I doing what I'm doing. Sucks! LOL. But really, what AM I Doing? But that merits another blog post so let's set that aside for now.

I was never an Aussie fan. The accent disorients me somehow but the movie is ... cute - not entirely "You've Got Mail". More like British humour with Hugh Grant, without the drama. The comedy gets me chuckling which is great on a quiet evening holiday. Oh, and keep watching when the credits comes up because I find that part strikingly funny and apt. Too many good looking people in this film though. I think that's my only complaint. The script was charming, sometimes witty. Josh Lawson plays the lead as Ben - he's appealing in all the right ways. Rachael Taylor, the love interest is a pretty little thing - I love her clothes  - all of them! I love them so much I hate them! You get my drift. As I said, too many good-looking people in this movie.

So you want to know the meaning of life? Ask Ben.

And with that, let's listen to the songs in the soundtrack :) Yey!

All Right Now by Free


Are You Still Having Fun by Eagle-Eye Cherry


Time of the Season by the Zombies


Ain't That A Kick in the Head by Dean Martin

More Than A Feeling by Boston

The sun always shines on TV

If I allow myself to go to my dark place, I feel that I'm stuck in a land of missed opportunities and get constantly sucked back in like sago in a straw every time I try to pull myself out. It's the weight gain, the constant working, the insufficient budget and the house falling apart. I have to continuously remind myself that the best thing about life is that you can always start all over again. Tsk tsk tsk. Will need to listen to some Adele after this.

It's a long weekend and I'm so happy that apart from my small workload this weekend, I can actually squeeze in a bit of R&R. So I have parts of my weekend planned and on the list are vital stay-still-as-an-eggplant activities - or rather non-activities :) Yey!

So I began my early weekend after work Friday. My sister and I walked from SM City to home. We've been doing this for three days during the week just to get some exercise. So we would walk, bags in tow but in running shoes and jeans from the office to the Diversion Road. Last Friday, we got a ride from work friends and landed on SM City. So we walked from there to Mandurriao cutting across the new Mega World road where a sign confirms that road is passable for pedestrians between 6:30-8am, 11am-1pm and 4:30-6pm. I like open spaces and that was one route I'd like to pass again.

When I got home, had a quick dinner and headed back to SM City with my guy friends from CROSS to watch Bourne Legacy (SPOILER ALERT!). I don't really know how the world liked the movie but I'm easy to please. I love the scenes shot in the Philippines. I always wondered why they never bothered to shoot Bond movies here when there are so many places to hide here LOL. I mean our police can't even find Rolito Go when he gets kidnapped - imagine the possibilities of James Bond hiding out around here. Anyway, I especially love the scenes in the shanties, the climbing using protruding kabilya, tight-rope walking on electricity cables, jumping on galvanized iron roofs which surprisingly did not collapse. And the scene where Weisz was trapped in a narrow passage way and Renner sliding through with his foot for friction - hehe. That was exciting. And may I just mention the motorcycle race with Manila traffic - hmmm, might give riding in tandems ideas for escape though - oh well. I'd like to see Jason Bourne and Aaron Cross meet. Oh I love Jeremy Renner. I've loved him since Hurt Locker, The Town and Mission Impossible. I love that he doesn't look as suave as Bourne and that he is somewhat more human for an assassin. And Rachel Weisz - well, she's married to James Bond - she's got to be more than perfect to pull that stunt.


To continue, I worked all morning to finish my small jobs so I could get to the tough ones today. I had a three-hour nap yesterday - and I read in FB that a nap is not more than 90 minutes and if it's that long it's called a lazy man's nap. I'd like to be called lazy even just for three hours.

I spent Saturday evening singing with high school friends in Highway 21. We belted out the Bohemian Rhapsody like we owned the place. Yup, the 80's have unmatched music for lyrics that don't really make sense but we didn't care anyway. Here's a question: What does "Take On Me" mean? There was a discussion that maybe the meaning was lost in translation because A-ha was a Norwegian band and didn't really speak English.

Early this morning my sister and I took the baby and checked out the newly opened Esplanade. We need to plan our walking route home. It's narrower now but great for jogging. Still too many people though but that's because it's quite new. Wait a few more months then it goes to the serious joggers. Looking forward to start jogging there again. I need to get in shape.

Will turn off the TV and the computer after I get my work done. The sun may shine in TV but it's brighter and warmer outside.

And work begins ...