Learn to chill

I have recently realized that I am in a position that when something breaks, I alone can fix it and when I find myself ill-equipped or unready for the challenge, I panic. Sometimes to the point of a heart attack - well- almost - but not quite.

I don't know why I expect so much of myself. I don't know why I am hard so hard myself. Maybe I just want to be able to achieve some things in this world and I want it too quickly, too much, too fast?

Now I'm just feeling lost. Like there's too much on my plate and I don't know where too start. Last year I started simplifying my life, got rid of some stuff I thought would weight me down but in the process, I started acquiring knowledge I thought would help me get to my next level. But then, they all sort of got mixed together and jumbled out - to the point that it's getting more complicated than simple. So much for minimalism.  Jack of all trades, master of none.

I'm seriously considering taking a break from my business and just focus on learning. But I will lose my clients in the process. Or maybe that's not the way to go. I should learn to collaborate with others. Maybe I should just focus on what thing at a time. I am after all just human and not superhuman. Everything is just overwhelming right now and my focus is all over the place.

I should learn to stop and chill. Meditate. Take time to think this through. Breathe.

Ole Ole!

So I just finished watching Elizabeth Gilbert on TED Talks. And it reminded me that I used to write. And that prompted me to pick up my laptop and just type tonight. Because something peculiar happened this weekend that I need to face and talk about. And examine why it happened.

It was Saturday, and I had a whole list of things to do.

I make websites. And I have this project that requires me to learn a lot of things that I don't have time to learn. Anyway, I was experimenting on doing something which has not worked for about a month and I know I'm missing something and I can't find it. Anyway, I was working on a website, and did something to prepare the site for back-up. After a click, the screen went white which it was not supposed to do. But it did. And I felt fear envelope me and panic set it.

So I stood up and tried to psych myself that it was alright, that it will come back, that the server was just processing something and it will be normal in awhile. I then realized that my hands were shaking and I was panicking. I don't know if it's age or stress or pressure. But I got really afraid of what it was doing to me. Hands shaking, palm sweating, almost-had-a-heart-attack episode - that was just wrong.

After awhile, the site came back. And I was right, the server was processing and it just needed a bit of time. But it bothered me a lot. So I took a break and watched Train to Busan - and I screamed my fear out.

I knew I just need to take time to study about the thing that had happened. That the panic episode was unnecessary had I only read that some websites do that depending on size of data. That I need to practice doing it again and again so that when it happens again, I will not kill myself by hyperventilating. That it will not kill me if the worse happens.

"Every pursuit, every passion, comes with a shit sandwich" - Elizabeth Gilbert. She said that if you get a sandwich while doing the thing you love, and you still want to do it and you feel better doing it than not doing it - then just eat the fucking shit sandwich.

So that panic attack - that hands shaking, palm sweating, almost-had-a-heart-attack episode - was my great shit sandwich this weekend.

And yeah, I still want to make websites. So F*cking Shit! This shit sandwich is horrible but I'm eating the whole damn thing.

P.S. Re: creativity, it helps that this great thing that I do, this thing that helps people somehow, that makes it convenient for other people to get data they need, it does not come from me. So I shout Allah, Allah, Allah! God God God! Ole Ole Ole!

45 Random Lessons @ 45

In keeping up with tradition, let'e celebrate life.

Eternally grateful Lord. Salamat gid.

1. I make my own happiness.
2. I am stubborn, and crazy and I like it.
3. I am braver than I believe, stronger than I seem, smarter than I think (A.A. Milne)
4. Balance is the zen of all bad habits
5. Create! Para sa ekonomiya at para sa sarili.
6. Ideals and principles are guides, not rules.
7. If you want to explore creativity, break your own rules.
8. The world owes you absolutely nothing ... but ...
9. Ask the world and the world will conspire to help you get it
10. Thinking that life will be better in the future is a waste of time. Live now.
11. Save the world because you can.
12. Trying to look good limits my life
13. It is never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be.
14. The God I believe in is all good. Take your negativity elsewhere.
15. Do what you love and you never have to walk a day in your life.
16. Complaining is silly; either act or forget.
17. No one can tell me I can't do it except me.
18. "Plant your own garden. Decorate your own soul. Instead of waiting for someone to bring in the flowers."
19. Money does not make me happy.
20. Material things are best enjoyed in small doses.
21. Don't work hard, work smart
22. Before anything else, ask the right questions.
23. Do not stop questioning. Ask questions until there are no more questions to ask
24. Solve the root of the problem and you will have solved the minor ones too.
25. Love is not a feeling of emotions but a decision of the will.
26. Love consumes. Like pain, it demands to be felt.
27. I don't need many friends. I just need the few true ones.
28. Family is important.
29. If you're born near a holiday like Christmas, people will forget your birthday. So it's either you sulk and count the people who forget. Or call them to celebrate your limitless blessings. It took me 30 years to learn that.
30. Trust is like swimming. The only way to learn is to get into the water.
31. You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown if you stay there.
32. Not being truthful works against me.
33. Helping other people help me
34. Everything I do always come back to me
35. Respect is earned, not demanded
36. I eventually take things for granted over time.
37. Travelling is therapeutic and gives a new perspective for life and creativity.
38. I need people and will have to constantly learn to ask for help.
39. Counting my blessings is my best weapon against despair.
40. Assuming is stifling and mother of all mistakes.
41. Writing keeps me grounded
42. Acceptance and humility is the first step to changing what you hate about yourself.
43. Teach. Impart knowledge. You will learn.
44. If you can't be smart, be funny.
45. "Never take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." (from Bugs Bunny I think)

Marching to a different DO-rum

So I'm quitting school again. My 5th college. My sisters will be furious. I waste money and that's an awful truth. My last three colleges were paid by me - they were not a total waste. I did pick up a few things here and there. Accounting skills for one. And I can now understand shorthand.  

But hear me out - or rather, let me talk coz I'm practicing my speech to those who would be furious - my sisters most likely. 

When I got to college, I didn't know what I wanted to do. So I took up accounting. I liked it but it was just another course. I later discovered that I really don't want to work. I want to DO - to use my skills on work I would love to do everyday. Very few people have that kind of luxury. Most of them are rich enough to be allowed that luxury. I didn't ... at first.

The year I told my mom I quit school, I started working at odd jobs with computers. I finally got a paid job and I was taught Excel - it was easy and the ease of learning it was a revelation for me. I learned to organized data and realized that I've been doing just that at a younger age, on notebooks - lists and expanded lists.

When I got to government work I was pretty good with computers. Then I attended an HTML seminar. I think that totally cleared any  doubt what I wanted to DO. No schools were offering courses on IT then except STI and I was pretty busy making ends meet to even consider school. I was handling expenses when my mom got sick and handled it awhile longer after she died so school was no longer an option. So I learned everything I wanted to learn on the internet. 

I got pretty good and started a small business on my free time - making artwork, logos, print designs eventually, websites. It was the scariest yet the most fulfilling work I've ever done. And I knew this is what I wanted to DO.

I have recently been promoted and my boss encouraged me to finish school because the next position in my line of work will require a degree. I was also in the position where I can now afford to get myself to school but the courses I wanted had steep tuition. On the encouragement of my co-workers and family, I decided to settle to just getting a diploma - cheap, easy - any diploma. So I enrolled.

I am on my 1st semester of my 5th college, to be exact, just after my first exams, when this school offered online IT degree courses. It was a new program, so new that nobody I knew heard about it. Tuition was steep but they allow students to take a few online classes at a time in a trimester enrollment. It will probably take me a lot longer than the current school. But I will surely have computer subjects every effing trimester.

I don't want any other line of work except with computers. I'm not good with people but I know how to handle code - I love handling code. They just hired another IT guy in the office so that makes it 7 guys below me - four of them IT graduates. I'm now at the highest position I will ever be as an undergrad in an IT position and I'm now handling web design because no one else had the experience or the know-how in my division. Even with a degree in a different course, I will probably fare well when I go head to head with any of these guys in web design - but will my current course teach me how to be a better programmer? Probably not. It will probably make me a better division head - and I don't want to be a division head. I have a very specific goal. Think Mike Rowe.

It makes no sense to me to take a course that will make me better at something I do not want to do. It might take me 10 years to graduate but don't great artists suffer for their craft? I will never get rich but that was never what I wanted to be. I just want to be happy ... and to DO things I am passionate about. And if it things don't work out in my current job, I will still be working as a web designer and doing programming jobs on the side.

If that makes me an idiot - well, I'd rather be a happy idiot than a ho-hum graduate. I am where I should be doing what I should DO.

Wok is relative

It's important to me that I love my work. If I can't be rich enough to bask in the sun 24/7, the best thing I can do is enjoy what I do and get paid for it.

Although I make excuses not to go somewhere else to relax because of work, it does not necessarily mean that work is all I do. I do go out with friends, I do take vacations, I do work that I hate and I do work that I love to hate.

I am very much aware that there should be a balance in work and play. But just because you don't see me in facebook basking in the sun, it doesn't mean I'm not getting that balance.

Mini-breaks can be reading a book, watching a movie, coffee or drinks or desserts with friends, or just enjoying time with family at home or somewhere else. All that to me is as enjoyable as dancing in the streets, frolicking in the pool or just enjoying the view. There are different levels of bliss of course. A good balance to me means more smiles than frowns in a day. That to me is a good day.

Chances are, if you don't hear from me, it's probably because I'm having a mini-break or maybe immensely happy with my work ... or play.

And if you do see me in facebook, it's probably because I'm in-between mini-breaks :)

General Motors

My sister and I have decided to try out the General Motors Diet. Mainly because we definitely need a weight loss program because we are obese and bordering on the unhealthy - no, scratch that - we are unhealthy. And since we don't seem to be attracted to the Zumba trend - which is quite strange because we love dancing - we decided to try this one out and see where it takes us a week from now.

So ... I started on papaya this morning.

I have very little self- restraint when it comes to food but I was thinking that if I can't show a little self-control on food for one week - then I'm probably hopeless. But I'm pretty determined to prove to myself that I'm not entirely hopeless. I'm always a possibility. At least I tell myself that haha.

So let's wait and see. Will keep you posted. No hunger pangs yet.

Life is sooo peculiar

So I've been thinking ...

Am I going way over my head by taking new complicated jobs? Or maybe I should take the risk and learn something in the process? I actually looove doing this. It's new and exciting and so much to see and learn. It's quite a challenge. But it scares the hell out of me.

What was that movie about change? That when you see change happening, your heart beats faster, adrenalin starts pumping and everything around you goes on alert mode. Because it's expecting, it's waiting for something to explode, go wrong or maybe that magical moment, when everything goes right as planned! Because as much as change is the most life threatening experience you'll ever encounter, it's also probably the most exhilarating event that you will remember most when you grow old.

So here I am again. Rationalizing fear. Justifying. Pushing myself to take a leap when I'm most at my most logical and safe being.

I can't be satisfied. Life is too big of an adventure to just say, "I'm okay here. Let me stay here. Don't bother me here." There's a rebel inside me somewhere ... a Darna. Right now I can't see her. But hell, I'd like her to show her ugly head and kiss tomorrow goodbye. Co'z life is too short.

I need to have a little faith in me. And some courage would not hurt a bit.

Carpe diem.

Letting Go of Atticus

If you've been reading this blog long enough, you now know I have this weird habit of naming my gadgets - just so I can differentiate which files go where. I also have the bad habit of naming them from characters of books and movies I just read that I get obsessed about. That's because I also get obsessed about my gadgets.

My first computer was named Kimberly - a second-hand computer that was named after a passing dialogue from a movie by Meg Ryan which was bought for a measly P12k which was then quite too steep for me. My second computer was also bought second-hand but was way better than Kimberly because it had an LCD monitor, and a more upgraded capabilities. That one was named David from David Cook whom I had a huge crush on for turning a Mariah Carey song to a rock ballad. David was later replaced by Arun, a brand new I-really-couldn't-afford-him PC, named after a character from an Amir Khan movie his wife made. After David, I got a laptop called Atticus - the wise Attorney from the book To Kill a Mockingbird.

Which brings me to this post. Atticus retired last week. His batteries was no longer working, his power cord was replaced and now needs to be replaced again. His keyboard gets stuck and can't type. So when I finally bought a new laptop to replace Atticus (named Katniss Neverbeen), had to give away Atticus to people who might be able to fix him and find some use for him and his parts.

So now I have five unforgetable partners in my digital world. Tande - the PC from work, Arun- a personal PC, Jon Snow - my smart phone, Arya- my tab and Katnis Neverbeen. I'm sure if any of these retire, and since I never forget working so hard just to afford them, I will soon write a fitting tribute to one of them to say goodbye.

Goodbye tticus. You served me well.

So here the thing ...

I'm having a bad day. Come to think of it, I've been having a hell of a month. But today, just this particular day is just not the day I'm very much happy about. It is just plain and simply a bad day, the baddest day of the week.

I am having a very busy day, but then again, I'm always busy. And I like being busy. I am busy because I like helping people. So much so that a lot of them just sort of gets drawn to me whenever a similar problem comes back again. And mind you, when I help people, I'm not very polite. In fact, I'm mostly quite sarcastic. Mainly because they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. And we keep meeting up because I end up answering the same problem over and over again.

Which leads me to think if it's any good trying to be helpful to people. Because then, you become their go-to-girl, and it doesn't matter if you've just recovered from pneumonia, or are having coughing fits due to the sudden changes in temperature or are also busy just to keep your life together. It doesn't matter because their tasks are sooo much more important than what you're doing right now.

Which pisses me off when people try to be helpful. Because I'm tired and just had a bad day and trying to control coughing fits. And any advice of how to get better just gets me agitated because I CAN'T. I'm in a middle of a lot of stuff that I can't get out of. And I don't like to stay in bed and get massages because I don't like massages from strangers I don't know.

Which brings me to this thing ... I like being busy even if being busy is slowly taking me nearer the grave - I'm not afraid to die. My fear is more on prolonged agony. If I took the advice of everyone afraid for my health, I wouldn't have lived long enough to have done the things I did. Because to me, I have lived and am still living, and doing something I really love doing is my absolute peace and my absolute hell ... and there are days when there's no where I ever want to be than to be in this exact same state. It's where I thrive. It's where I hold my breath only to start breathing again. This is how I live. It makes me happy and depressed at the same time.

So here's the thing ... I don't like people telling me how I should live unless I ask them to. It's my life, my death, my regret, my choice.

And if you're still reading this, you know me well enough to know that there's nothing you can do about it. See, I choose my friends wisely.

Why not

So it's 3:20 a.m. and I'm wide awake. I called in sick yesterday because of a heavy asthma attack the previous night. It has developed into a sickly sore throat that makes me cough. Had a mild fever in the afternoon and spent the rest of the day lying down with half my body propped up in a pillow so I can breath. So now I can't sleep again because it feels like I'm drowning when I'm lying down. So decided to research my meds on the web and one website led to another and finally I made it back here. So I said why not?

I really have nothing much to say. I'm working hard, sometimes pretty hard that I can hardly give anything focus because I fly from one thing to another. I know I should slow down and maybe wrap my head on what I really want to do with my life. For some reason, I feel very tired.

It's normal for people to have highs and lows in their lives. I think I've been having too many lows. Which worries me. But it's not something I can't do anything about. I think I'm waiting for a boost, or a push, or a smack in the head to get me going. But I've been saying that for a long time now ... hmmmm.

What am I doing? I sure don't know what I'm waiting for.

My stomach is rumbling and I'm not even hungry. Makes me think of my mom.

Half a League

Whenever happy thoughts of my mother appears in my reverie, a poem comes to mind. The Charge of the Light Brigade by Tennyson.

She was telling us a story of Tatay when he had been a judge to a declamation contest in Passi and a child came up the stage and recited that poem with a very ... wet resemblance of English diction. She would then imitate the poem from memory - bad delivery and all and we  would all burst out laughing. You have to really hear it to understand. I knew the poem but I can only recite it the way Nanay would - funny and badly.

Recently however, I was watching this Sandra Bullock movie on TV and the poem came up. And there it was explained the irony and sorrow of the soldiers who had to go to war. It was said that Tennyson wrote it just after reading about the Battle of Balaclava during the Crimean War.

Read the poem in that light today.

As a pawn in the sea of political humanity, you begin to wonder what honour is.

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a league, half a league,

  Half a league onward,

All in the valley of Death,

  Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!

Charge for the guns' he said:

Into the valley of Death

  Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'

Was there a man dismay'd?

Not tho'(though) the soldiers knew

  Some one had blunder'd:

Theirs not to make reply,

Theirs not to reason why,

Theirs but to do and die:

Into the valley of Death

  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon in front of them

  Volley'd and thunder'd;

Storm'd at with shot and shell,

Boldly they rode and well,

Into the jaws of Death,

Into the mouth of Hell

  Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,

Flash'd as they turned in air

Sabring the gunners there,

Charging an army while

  All the world wonder'd:

Plunged in the battery-smoke

Right thro' the line they broke;

Cossack and Russian

Reel'd from the sabre-stroke

Shatter'd and sunder'd.

Then they rode back, but not

Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon behind them

  Volley'd and thunder'd;

Storm'd at with shot and shell,

While horse and hero fell,

They that had fought so well

Came thro' the jaws of Death,

Back from the mouth of Hell,

All that was left of them,

  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?

O the wild charge they made!

  All the world wonder'd.

Honour the charge they made!

Honour the Light Brigade,

  Noble six hundred!

—Alfred, Lord Tennyson