And I didn't forget

I just don't have internet access back home.

So, Happy 2nd Anniversary Blog! More years to come!

This means ... war

I sometimes feel I'm in the midst of a silent war. If I step to the right, I get shot. If I step to the left, a mine explodes. If I stay put, a bomb eventually finds me and blows me up to smithereens. Sigh. I have no ambition to be Condolezza Rice. I always say, I'm not one to survive a war. But like any soldier, I do what I can to get through the night.

I do not claim to solve everyone's problems. I do not even try. All I do is to get by, take a day at a time and I know I cannot please everybody. I hate it when people bitch to me and tell me I have an attitude-problem! Yudiputa! WHO DOESN'T? If I can't solve this problem, why don't you? Why wait for me to make the first move? If you claim I'm not alone in all this, why does it feel like I am? What have you done to remedy the situation? Don't go lashing unto me just because YOU CAN"T GET YOUR DAMN BROADBAND! There! You know you deserve that!

So I shake this off and wait for the next shoot-out. I don't want to carry a chip on my shoulder. I think I've carried enough already. I do what I have to do. If they don't like the way I do it, they can either do something about it or they can shove it up their (bleep). Breathe. End of Outburst. Ceasefire.

I always say that crying is not a sign of weakness. But, Dang! it is a big handicap when you're trying to stress a point. It ruins the exit. :)

Stages

Life is a series of stages. When you outgrow one, you move on to the other. You don't stand still. Because staying in one stage will just limit you and you will miss all of God's wonders by just taking a long sojourn in one phase. You stay for the period you needed to stay. Sooner or later, you would know in your heart when you need to move on. And God will be with you whichever stage you are in. Because He is a God of order and is the All Mighty.

A friend of mine from one community came to visit me one night. He came to talk me into attending this and that seminar which is suppose to be good for me and draw me closer to God. I guess that because I'm no longer in a church community, I am giving the impression that I've become godless. Which is okay, for I alone know my truth.

I became aware of my resistance to his cause. I nod and smile and pretend to be interested. I didn't want to offend him. But at the back of my mind, I wished he would stop talking about his community. If you came to talk to me about God, then let's talk about God. Not some community. If you want me to attend it, why don't you just say it in my face so I can say no and we can get on with the process of being friends and talk about the real important things. Sigh. The feeling I got, which is probably why I am no longer in community ... is that he wants me there because they need me there. That they needed something from me.

Organizations, communities, affiliations are good, always good ... for the time that you can get something from them - may it be growth, spiritual nourishment or an outlet for your enthusiasm and energy. It becomes a life force itself and you get fulfilled for being there. But as the life force in you ebbs, so does the interest. I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the organizations I've been involved in. I served them all with as much energy and time as they would give me and I appreciated everything I've learned and experienced in each of them. But there's a point where you have to say, I'm alright. Please leave me alone. I am moving on. I am discovering new things that involves another group of people. They may not be a community but they are helping me in my new stage. I don't need a seminar to tell me how to be emotionally mature, or how to connect with my inner child. I've been there. I've done that. I know a lot of emotionally mature people who have figured that out without a seminar. I don't want to severe my affiliations. But please, give me space to make room for new things, new experiences. new possibilities, which if I don't try now, might never ever experience again.

I have moved to another stage. It doesn't require me to attend community. It doesn't ask me to preach or to raise my hands and shout just to pray. It allows me to appreciate God within the confines of my own reality. It permits me to be angry and be sad, and to feel a whole lot more and I believe, this is not such a bad thing. I am where I need to be. If a turn in my stages would someday lead me to where your community is, let me be the one to go to you and say, "I'm ready to be here now."

For now, I am happy where I am. So please, just let me be. Because that's how it has always been for me. Stages. Life will always be in stages. And I am happy where I am.

Untitled #24

I changed my mind about the Crow (because that's what girls do!). He may not be McDreamy or Burke ... but he could be a Dr. House :). At least , he cured me of my fear of aggressive men. After the Crow, I think I can handle any guy (Note: this confidence might not last very long). Said good-bye to him as he flew back to his nest last Friday. We were suppose to meet but I had this event-thing so we couldn't. So goodbyes were said on the phone. Short and sweet. He was sad, not of leaving, but of some other crisis. He felt that may not return. I assured him he will. I now wonder what happened to him.

On the home front, I am sad to report that our phoneline has been cut-off. Unpaid bills. I don't plan to pay it. Truth is, I can't afford anything right now. Hahaha. But I'm not homeless, so I'm alright. And the Viking worries. So I have to assure him, I'm alright again and again. So no phone. And no internet at home. I like the idea of not hearing a BBBBBBRRRRRRRRR-RRRRRRIINNNNGGGGGG in the morning. I don't use it much anyway. No one could. My sister is always online so the phone is always busy. Now that we don't have the phone, nobody seems to miss it ... except for my always online sister. Poor girl. So anybody who needs to contact me, will have to call me on my cellphone ... which I prefer to be always on silent mode. ;) Seclusion is not a bad word, you know.

Went to this Friday event thingy. Last minute, they needed a photographer because the one they hired didn't show up. I had film but no flash for my manual camera ... which is bad for covering an event with old ladies who can't stand still. So I settled for this digital point and shoot. Some shots were disastrous. Which is pretty much what I expected. They treated me like they would a hired-photographer. Makes me not want to be a photographer for hire. "I AM AN ENTHUSIASTIC HOBBYIST! AND I"M NOT CHARGING ANYONE FOR THIS!" I shout silently to myself. But after the humiliation, I think they need to pay me. Hahaha. I remembered why I hated going to functions like that. A lot of those ladies with fancy dresses and thick make-ups, are fake. And fake people tend to be miserable and lash on to the nearest hired-photographer. Hehehe. So I'm bitter. But at least I can laugh about it.

I'm an earth person. I prefer things real and outfront. And I'm a planner and list person. If you're in a rush, please don't call me! I don't work like that.

McDreamy and Yang

Stayed at my brother's house last night to view the last few episodes of Grey's Anatomy second season. I'm so into Burke. And so exasperated about McDreamy. There's something about married men that really makes me want to hate them. I know choosing the one you love and choosing the one you're married to, is one of the most difficult choices to make. BUT! You have to make a choice ... because eventually, it will hurt a lot more people. So why not make that choice already? I really hate men who can't make up their minds. I guess that goes for women who can't make theirs too.

I made up my mind with the Crow. I do not love him. And I'm quite sure he doesn't love me either. So this going out with him ... it's ... entertainment. A remedy to a boring evening. And an excuse to flirt with someone you don't need to follow through. He is a far cry from my McDreamy. And definitely not a Burke. I'd like to think I'm a lot like Grey. But at the back of my mind, I'm beginning to be like Yang.

I'm beginning to wonder if somehow, with all this being alone stuff, I'm becoming inhuman, unfeeling, emotionless bitch. But truth is, I'd rather be this than be Izzie (but you have to watch the second season to understand why).

Eyes are for reading

The best thing to do to shake off after-effects of a trip, is a good clean-up. So you unpack your bags. Throw all your dirty laundry to the hamper. Store away all the things you brought for the trip that you never got to use. Sigh at your pictures and make a mental note to send copies to friends and relatives. Then curl up to the welcoming covers of your bed and finish the thick book you left home.

Only, I forgot my eyeglasses back in Odiongan. It's the only working pair I've got left and I'm too broke to buy new ones. So, I've avoided doing any reading at work and I made my computer text really big. But I still got headaches just the same. And added to that, I still feel a bit of nausea from the boat ride which I haven't managed to shake off. I don't know, but it turned into a hyperacidity attack Thursday night and I need to puke again. Sigh. So I was absent from work again, Friday, with a huge migraine and dizzy spells that beelines me to the bucket. I'm alright now. I haven't left the house and I'm bored as hell. And that's terrible because I don't have eyeglasses to read!

So what I did was clean-up. Not just my bags I've brought for the trip, and the laundry, but I cleaned up my room too. My drawers, my pictures, my shoes. I've stacked my books neatly and folded all my underwear. But I'm still bored. I dream of eyeglasses and wish I could buy one before I go back to work on Monday. Big sigh.

If I was married, I wonder if I would have problems like these.

I'm back

Got back from a four-day vacation in Odiongan, Romblon. Well, it was not much of a vacation really. It was very small town where the tallest point was our hotel which was five-stories up. We had lots of perks though. We got to ride a yacht to and from Aklan. We ate steaks everyday because this Uncle owns a ranch with lots of cattle. And we met distant cousins who had blonde hair and gets amaze when they see house lizards and jump at the sight of cockroaches. :)

I was attending my Uncle and Auntie's 50th Golden Wedding Anniversary. The funny thing was they kept arguing the whole time we were there. I guess that is what old couples do all the time. They argue about the little things, like bath, forks and spoons, giftwrappers and stuff like that. LOL. It was quite entertaining.

I also met my Uncle's friend, he was 76 years old and he would talk about all the women in his life. He showed me pics of his wife, and the pretty young thing he was dating. He said that now, women are only after his money, so he gets them to entertain him. I'm not sure I like his ways but he was fun to be around because he kept us in stitches and he kept making indecent proposals to my other married cousin who was an expert in warding him off. He would miss us, I'm sure. After we left, he will have no one to talk to.

The boat ride back home was a mess. There was a storm making it's way to Japan, so the waves were quite big in the Romblon area. Our boat trip lasted for 4 hours and it was terrible. There were 24 guests on board this yacht. 20 of those guest puked their way to kingdom come. I was on the top 5 of the puking jamboree. Since no one could move very much, because the boat was tossing and turning all over the place, and it was overturning electric fans and spitting out DVD players from their sockets, we were pretty much rooted to our seats and try to close our eyes when the person next to us starts to vomit. By the end of the trip, I was lying on the carpeted floor, not caring if someone steps over me because I was just too weak to raise my head. And the stench was ... ugh! I'm getting a headache just trying to describe everything. I still feel a slight lightheadedness even if I had a whole day rest yesterday. I sometimes feel, I'm still in a ship with big waves.

Anyway, I was sooo happy to reach solid ground. And we laughed at each other for surviving that ordeal. I got invited to return to Odiongan, but me thinks I'll return when my Uncle buys himself a plane. LOL.

Doors, why do there have to be doors?

Gross Negligence

I'm surrounded by people with huge regrets right now. The theme this week: What you don't do has far greater reverberations than what you do. I know that.

The doctor just told me that even if I am not diabetic as I feared, I need to lower my cholesterol. So he has placed me on a diet without my happy foods. So I think of all those days when I thought about exercise ... thought being the operative word, and I wish I did them.

I gave the Crow a long lecturette about problems during our regular drive around the city. I gave talks like these when I was in the Youth Ministry. Didn't know it would come in handy. So here it is: Four things you should remember about problems:

1. Problems always come with pain. If they weren't painful, they wouldn't be a problem. And if you do experience problems without pain, then maybe you should start worrying. It would means one of two things: that you've become an unfeeling passive person (which I think is worsE) or you are dead.

2. Problems are warning signs. They are there to let you know that there are things you've been taking for granted, or things you should do that you haven't been doing, or (worse) you don't do things you should be doing. Think of it as an alarm clock that rings to tell you, time's up.

3. Problems are opportunities for growth. Problems are always bigger than we are. If they were smaller, they wouldn't be a problem. Bigger shoes for bigger boys. So, problems will always be, relatively bigger, as you grow older. You won't be crying for milk at the age of forty. If you are, then that might be a bigger problem - hehehe. In the end, you always end up the wiser. Just remember, "NEXT TIME, DO NOT THAT!"

4. No matter where you are with regard to your problem, God will always be there. Just pray for strength, comfort, healing ... YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE.

My sympathies to the people who are kicking their own butts right now. Bear in mind that no matter how hard you kick, it will not change the situation. So let go and let God. Life offers a lot of second chances. Sometimes the second chances turn out better than the first. You never know.

Rumors

Photo exhibit is done and contrary to rumors, the competition was fair after all. I invited two people to this class so I wouldn't feel so alone. One got first prize. The other got second prize. Both also won first and second in the same category. Me? I got 4th prize out of 79 pictures in the Landmark category. And I got 5th out of 65 in the Bulbing category. And I got a People's Chioce Award, meaning people picked my picture to be their favorite. :) After we packed up everything, Photo 1 classmates and I went over to my teacher's house and got drunk with wine while singing videoke songs. Of course, after about two glasses, I was singing too.

I am rumored to be dating one of my friends in Photo Class. Truth is, there was never anything romantic going on. That thought never even occured to both of us. And I don't even want to consider it. I like this platonic thing. And putting meaning into this friendship will just ruin the support system. So I tried to end the rumor by telling it bluntly: There are no loveteams allowed in this class. Hehehe.

Got home late afternoon and got a call from the Crow. We went out for coffee and drove around town in circles till he got sleepy. We discussed God (pauses, guffaws, and falls off chair). No, seriously, he planned to go to mass the next day. He confessed that even if he was not living a saintly life, he had fear of God. And one must have a God. He then accused me of not having any. I told him I do have a God. And He keeps me from doing foolish things. Like doing things I will regret later on. (Smirks at self).

Still no pictures. I keep putting things off. After taking pictures, I don't want to waste my time editing them. Even if it just changing the size to a smaller resolution for the web. Sigh. I'm getting lazier by the minute.

Having dinner with the Crow tonight. He needs company so I will keep him company till he gets bored.