My Johari Window

Arena (known to self and others) accepting, complex, logical, organised, reflective, sensible	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, adaptable, caring, cheerful, confident, dependable, energetic, friendly, happy, helpful, idealistic, independent, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, mature, observant, proud, quiet, religious, self-assertive, self-conscious, sentimental, spontaneous, sympathetic, trustworthy, warm, witty
Façade (known only to self)	Unknown (known to nobody) bold, brave, calm, clever, dignified, extroverted, giving, ingenious, introverted, loving, modest, nervous, patient, powerful, relaxed, responsive, searching, shy, silly, tense, wise

All Percentages

able (7%) accepting (7%) adaptable (21%) bold (0%) brave (0%) calm (0%) caring (21%) cheerful (7%) clever (0%) complex (7%) confident (21%) dependable (42%) dignified (0%) energetic (7%) extroverted (0%) friendly (28%) giving (0%) happy (7%) helpful (28%) idealistic (14%) independent (35%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (42%) introverted (0%) kind (7%) knowledgeable (28%) logical (7%) loving (0%) mature (7%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (7%) organised (35%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (7%) quiet (14%) reflective (7%) relaxed (0%) religious (14%) responsive (0%) searching (0%) self-assertive (14%) self-conscious (7%) sensible (35%) sentimental (21%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (7%) sympathetic (7%) tense (0%) trustworthy (7%) warm (14%) wise (0%) witty (14%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 2.3.2006, using data from 14 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view dudsbd's full data.

Hullabaloo

With all the racket about People Power and asking GMA to resign, I just have one question: If she steps down, who will take her place? De Castro? Drilon? Erap? (roll eyes and shake head). I'd rather leave the country like Jimmy Paredes.

And one more thought, I suspect that outside Manila, most peoeple just continued to work to scrunge enough to put food on the table.

This country is sinking and people leave like rats abandoning ship. These rallies, which they claim is a fight for freedom, are like cannonballs being loaded to submerge the islands even faster. When will they ever learn?

father, sons, geishas

Have had a very busy week. An all-boys school had their Foundation Day yesterday. As part of the program, the fathers had to come up with a dance number with just 5 days of practice. My brother hired my sister for the event. My sister asked me to help out. Aside from trying to get to work on time every day, I had to teach middle-aged fathers how to dance "Macho Guapito, Hagibis, Mr. Suave and Blue Jeans" every night for just four days. All during that time, taking pictures of practices, mothers, sons and fathers to place into a powerpoint presentation as visuals for the dance itslef. It was no easy feat. Not all the Dads were dancers. But keeping in mind that they were doing it for their sons, they were all pretty game about it. The kids had a cameo role in their fathers' dance number. Seeing the sons together with their kids, I've realized how alike a father and son can be without them recognizing the similarity. We noticed little things. One father and son tandem have very good rhythmn. Another pair had similar habits of complaining too much. Still another, all shy and quiet. My nephew and brother both danced the same way. Mannerisms, talk, attitude, looks. All alike with just a hint of individuality. They did great! For just four days of practice, they wowed everyone. :) The night ended with a fireworkds display. Was very tired but too tired to sleep.

Squeezed in between practices and picture-editing, I managed to watch Memoirs of a Geisha. I loved it. Read the book just a year before Zhang Ziyi reached stardom in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The movie reminded me of how amazing the book was. It was the only William Golden book I've read but I remembered that I couldn't put it down. The movie was well-planned, sticking to the important parts of the storyline. Liked it that they ended it when Chairman and Sayuri finally came together. What they did not mention was Sayuri's struggle still continued after that. She was able to migrate to the US with the Chairman after the war. But the Chairman was married and she remained a geisha even in the US. Have a high respect for geishas after reading the book. Wonderful. Gripping. Absorbing. Must watch.

ascending boom

Had a fight with my Dad about money.; the one thing I really hate fighting about. When 2005 ended, I promised myself not to worry anymore. If things take a drastic change, I will not be the only one responsible. But sometimes, I feel I'm being dragged back to this pit and nobody seems to care. I'm fighting the urge to worry and I'm fighting the urge to solve everyone's problems. I should not feel alone in this. But sometimes I feel I am.

I wish I didn't care. I long to live far, far away and live a life all on my own.

It's just one of those days I guess.

Next to you

if i had me a bag of good wishes
there's no mystery to what i would do
i would use all my magical powers
and try to get next to you

i would bring you a field of flowers
as your lucky star would do
with my heart i would paint you a rainbow
if i could get next to you

there's so much we can share
however far too long

we both know that there's so much here
this is where i belong

late at night when i close my eyes
make believin' that you are here
dreamin' of the things we do
if i could get next to you

in my mind, ooh ooh, i have kissed you
and it feels like a thousand times
i'd lose track of all the hours
dreamin' i'm next to you

this is where i belong

late at night when i close my eyes
make believin' that you are here
dreamin' of the things we do
if i could get next to you

in my mind, ooh ooh, i have kissed you
and it feels like a thousand times
i'd lose track of all the hours
wishing and hoping
that i could get next to you

Thanks to Cat

Tillykke med foadselsdagen

Viking celebrates his birthday in this part of the world in a few more minutes. He is more at peace with his crisis over and getting back enough sleep after days of early morning duty. I thought he was hiding a daughter. Turned out it was his niece who didn't know how to speak English and affirmed my suspicions with a Ja and a Nej, only to find out that she had no idea what I was talking about.

At about the same time, writer friend is probably protesting about the Muhammed cartoons. I cross my fingers and hope he still has a sound mind and a still heart. I hope he has not run off and burned embassies. I hope he realizes that he was not being attacked. I hope he has not forgotten to dance to the Leanne Womack song. I hope he has continued taking pictures of freedom fighters and be thankful for what he already has.

Crow just dropped me off after coffee at the 24-hour food chain. We had long silent moments where we just stare into space, lost in our own thoughts. It's been happening quite often now that it has become comfortable. The silence. The mystery. The unknown. I don't know which is worse, the unfeeling or the uncaring. But it's too late now. I really do not care. Everything is as it is. What you see is what you get. And I am being me. For now, this is all I need.

On the far end of my neighborhood, ex-boyfriend is dreaming about his wedding. Sent me a message one night to say that he misses his ex-best friend. I told him, he can call anytime. And I reminded him he still owes me the dinner he promised. He said it might not be a good idea since people might see us and get the wrong impression. I said it was ok and wondered if I'll be invited to his wedding. If I was, I'm not sure if I'd go. Too much history. Not sure how the new woman in his life would take it. (Enter song: What the world needs now ... is love ... sweet love.) I decided I will go only and only if the bride invites me. I have no angst about him getting married and I'm pretty sure, no regrets either. But if he can't have friendly dinner with me, then there might be friction in the issue of ex-es. Que sera sera. What will be, will be.

As for me, I'm tired. Been working on a lot of things. Spent my whole weekend editing a photograph for a client. Was not pleased with my work but they paid me anyway. I'm not sure I deserve it. But I knew I did put a lot of effort on it. Was also spending time as one of the technical staff in a all girl's school alumni homecoming. Realized how lucky I was to have been enrolled on a co-ed school. But I also realized the difference between a girl and an assumptionista. No, I wouldn't remember to comb my hair when I'm running around working. I wouldn't mind a mismatched outfit once in awhile. But damn, them girls really know how to look good even at age 82. Will be spending this Saturday teaching fathers to dance. Sigh. One foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Just a day at a time.

Listening to the Serendipity Soundtrack. Yes, I'm still dancing.

For better or worst?

There are instances in your life that a lot of things are not happening to you but they are happening to the people you love. And because such things also tend to catch you offguard and makes you want to do two things: (1) stiffle a laughter worst than death; and (2) throw something againsts the wall and watch it break to pieces. Somehow, thinking that I can do one of those two makes me feel better already. And writing without a planned path is always therapeutic for me.

Anyway, My Dad at 75 borrows my computer from time to time to write speeches for an audience or just everyday stuff for his sanity. Since he doesn't know how to operate the printer, he lets me view his documents so I can print them. It was then I discovered a letter on my computer written by my Dad for someone else. It's no secret to me that my Dad had loved someone passionately while he was married with my mother. The thing is, I never held it against my father for loving someone else. He stayed with us. To me, that took a lot of sacrifice. Of course, I hated the thought that they, my parents, were unhappy together in all those years they were together. I'm sure they had moments when they were content. But that's exactly why I fear marriage. I don't like to be caught in a situation where I should feel I'm stuck. But I don't know if you can control falling out of love in marriage or falling in-love while married. I've heard of too many real stories. Too many unhappy couples. A married-friend said, you never know your partner no matter how long you've known each other. People evolve. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worst. But who can really judge, which is better? and which is worse? Sometimes separation is the answer. I think I heard that somewhere. In the movie Matchmaker, "Sometimes the easy way out is the right way".

So sometimes I think, why marry at all? Is marriage just a fairy tale of happily ever after? Or maybe I've stopped believing in the power of love?

Living-together is already an accepted notion among my friends living abroad. I don't think I'm all for it yet; because locally, people still had not embraced living together outside of holy matrimony and divorce, na-ah! I still like to believe that marriage is an institution and should be taken only by the brave and courageous. Personally, despite of what I've seen, I'm still anti-divorce. It seems to be an easy way out, and not the right way out. In marriage, it should be the last life-or-death option.

Maybe it's geography. If I'm so afraid of marriage, why do I still want it?

I'm blaming it on Cinde-***-rela. I think Beauty and the Beast is more realistic.

Pictures burn

Kid's Dinagyang held January 26. Never found out who won the kid's competition. But they were nice enough to pose for me.



Kasadyahan, January 28, 2006. Tribu Manuggama from Maasin won first prize, besting Tribu Tultugan, also from Maasin.



Dinagyang January 29, 2006. Tribe Ilonganon won this year taking the crown away from Silak. Think they deserved to win although it was a close fight. Didn't post pics for those tribes though. Chose only the shots I really liked.



The result of my day in the sun. The line on my wrist was where my watch was. I am now tri-colored. I have a different skin tone in different parts of the body. No sunblock. I did bring an umbrella but handed it over to a pitiful father who had small kids watching in the heat. I told myself, this only happens once a year. And hopefully, the damage can be remedied by Likas Papaya. Hehehe. It damn stings! I also have a semi-permanent uneven blush on my cheeks. My friends thought I was wearing make-up. Lol. Promise to wear long sleeves and some sunblock next time :)

Kasadyahan

Im tired. Was up and running at 5:30 am to help out check tickets in one of the stage areas for the Kasadyahan Festival. I had to deal with difficult people. There was this lady who claims she's from Mandurriao and that she's a senior's citizen. She didn't have a ticket but she won't budge. Like I don't care madame! These seats have tickets and if the ticket holder comes, I will have to ask you to leave. But I didn't. The ticketholder did come. And I asked her to move to another empty seat. Stubborn woman.

The short rainshower pushed everyone to take cover. That only made my job harder because the nearest roof would be the booth I was manning. Kept shouting tickets! Tickets! TICKETS!!!! Mad woman. I think everybody turned deaf at that point. No thanks to the drums that made themselves comfortable right in front of us. My ears are still throbbing.

Some shmuck pushed the leaking roof to drain it with water. The water emptied itself right in front of me. I dodn't mind that my jeans got splashed; but dammit! the water hit my camera. !@!#!#$@$! Good thing water didn't reach the lens although it got my filter. Fortunately, after the rain, the sun made up for lost time and turned on the warmth. It dried the filter and I was able to wipe the moist area with my shirt. But then, it started getting really hot. And since the guests have the priority seats, I got myself suntanned with my t-shirt on. :D Sheesh!

There are fewer groups this year. There were also celebrities I really didn't care about. Saw cast of Etherea and Pinoy Big Brother (they say those are TV celebrities. Hahaha. I didn't know who they were.) Didn't really care either. There was also this Christian Bautista. I think I heard of him. Poor guy got mobbed and got scratched. He developed a fear of shrieking ladies after that. The only grouped I lined up to see was Parokya ni Edgar. Chito was surprisingly cute. But even when pushed, I never allowed myself for a picture with Chito and the group or even try to get their autographs. Been there. Done that. (I was young! It won't happen again! Hahaha. )

Will post pictures soon. Right now, I just want to crawl to bed and dream of festivals without stubborn woman and no water leaking on roof. One more day to go.

Another missed Kodak Moment

There are several instances when I would like to kick myself for not bringing my camera with me. Another such occasion happened a few minutes ago. I left my SLR at the office. My digital cam, which I always carry with me, is with my sister for her trip to Boracay.

Went to the mall to grab some lunch (which for me comes after 1pm when I'm at work). Upon entering the mall, my eyes met hundreds of faces all looking at the same direction. Sprawled across the lobby was a crowd of spectators all looking up at this huge wide-screen TV. (I kicked myself mentally right about here.) On screen was the fight between the Destroyer, Manny Pacquiao and Eric Morales in Las Vegas. And the whole mall stopped to watch the fight. Men and children were sitting, cross-legged, on the mall's lobby floor. Nobody seemed to notice that it was a mall floor. To them, it was as comfortable as the floor of their own living room had they had a TV in it. On the second and third levels, people hugging the railing looking down at the make-shift cinema made just for this event. Thank God for small cities. :)

One of our own had come to fight and the world will see it. All eyes fixed on the TV, shining, hopeful, excited. This will be our fight. It has Pinoy marked all over it. This will prove that we are more than just household help foreigners hire, more than just the yayas who guard their children, more than just the caregivers, and nurses who take care of their sick. We are a race within a race. There’s more to us than just brown skin and the ability to comprehend English anywhere in the country. With us, is the mark of Manny's provincial background, his Bisaya accent and his small town gait. With him is the Filipino sense of humor, the ability to make ironic jokes in the midst of suffering. He reminds us of our next door neighbor, the nice guy who helps us with farm work, the humble uncle who is all quiet but packs up a punch when needed. We can relate to him as we do with Efren Bata Reyes. We can win. We can conquer. We can be best the world. Pacquiao is one of us.

I hesitantly peeled away from the crowd and went to look for lunch. I ate my pantat at an empty food court, bought my coffee at the vacated donut shop, the whole time listening to the sounds of the announcer on the boxing ring. The shops are empty. All people are glued to their TV watching the fight. Lingering on my last look at the fans who had probably made their bets within the week, I regrettably walked back to work. The Kodak moment would come when Manny lands his knock out punch. Click! I imagined the whole mall to be in uproar. What a sight it would be. :) With this in mind, I smiled my way back to the office.

When I entered my office building, the guards had stopped listening to the radio. The radio broadcast was in real time and about one hour ahead of the TV broadcast. I asked one of the guards: "Who won?". The image of the mall crowd flashed on my mind. Click! What a Kodak moment it will be. Kick self.

Street Blues

listening to: Hill Street Blues - Mike Post. I can't sing it because it doesn't have lyrics.

Nothing can make overtime work more bearable than listening to cool songs that makes you think blue skies, beaches and sunglasses in the midst of low air-conditioning, bright sunlight and the monitor. :)

Been working weekends since last week in preparation for the upcoming Dinagyang Festival. Making graphics for stage tickets and printing and cutting them so people could throw them away after the show or for the more sensible, use them as bookmarks. I will be working tomorrow too and next weekend. I don't have a life! There. I said it. Will that make me feel better? Hahaha. NOPE!

Spent my lunch break on a stroll on streets covered with different colored banderitas (tiny flaglets hung across streets to remind people that festivities are ongoing and thus, they have to at least grin! - hehehe). The good thing about banderitas is that it covers the ugly electric lines hovering above the buildings like stains you can't get rid of even with Ariel Laundry Detergent. Do the banderitas beautify the city? Nope. They just hide the chaos with a coat of paint which would soon peel off.

On my stroll, I took my camera with me. I realized that I would never be a good photographer. I'm too self-conscious. When I stop to get a picture of something interesting, people would stop and look. Like they've never seen a camera before! Eaghhhhh! (Karate chop to passing onlookers). I hate it. Can anyone tell me how to be oblivious to people? If I can have super powers, it would be invisibility. They will see my camera but hey, they won't see me. I will be needing invisible clothes too. Too cool and hot this time of year.

Had my braces tightened last Thursday. It hurts like hell. For two days, I've been eating oatmeal. Wonder if researcher friend had his removed. Wonder if he has discovered that Quaker Oats now have strawberry and banana and honey flavored oatmeal. Anyway, had pancakes for lunch. It's the only food I can buy and chew without me squinting at the pain each bite would cause. Sigh.

Back to work. After listening to: I will be in love with You by Livingston Taylor, I will now end this post with Michael McDonald's (sings) I keep forgetting I'm not in-love anymore.