Almost done

I have nothing to write. My life is THAT exciting. Hahaha.

Almost done with the website. So I'm going to have some free time on my hands finally. And more time to read. My nemesis comes and goes so stress has gone down to a minimum. And my partner-in-crime has returned from a long vacation so that helps a lot. My Brit boss and wife will also be returning soon so my part-time job will soon be over too. Just the prospect that I will have nothing to do already bores me to death. And there's got to be something wrong with that.

Anyway, I miss Gil Grissom. When is he coming back?

Hypertension

Experienced my first hypertensive attack today. Blood pressure rose up to 130 over 90 which is quite normal they say but that I needed to take a rest. I wonder when does it stop being normal if it's hypertension? I had heart palpitations, chest pains, difficulty in breathing, was feeling nauseous and had a headache that would make Hulk Hogan cry. For awhile there, I thought I was going to die. I'm now thinking of digging up my last will and testament. I wrote it in a notebook somewhere. Just in case.

Was very angry about not being listened to by someone I feel strongly to be an incompetent @#$%^&. I hate it when someone will not listen to reason and pushes their own ideas for their own benefit. I hear their voice, and my blood pressure rises. I find it ridiculous. And I find @#$% points irrelevant and insignificant in the issues being discussed. We were making protests without research and consultation which is absolutely stupid! And I find it more ridiculous that only I have the brains to point that out. I guess I should have kept silent, but why should I? How can we correct a wrong by being quiet? We ask for change and yet we accept it without understanding it? It's common sense people! If you want change, you have to make it yourself! I will not be the one to forever hold her piece if that piece is big enough to affect a whole Godamn building! I know I might get in trouble voicing out my opinions but all I really want was just to be heard! Why can't you listen????!!!

Before I have a heart attack, I'm going to stop and eat leaves.

On being Filipina

I ran into this post a couple of weeks ago. I can't help but react. I'm Filipina. Why are we in the beware list? There has been increasing jokes about Filipino maids (on books and on TV). I believe that Filipinos are popular because they are good, resourceful and industrious workers. I know discrimination does happen to fellow Filipinos living abroad. So just wondering, is Filipino the new black? the new arab? the new mulato? It's sad isn't it. That all these people see is just part of the whole when the whole is bigger than the sum of all its parts. Tee hee. Just thinking.

From Paolo Coelho's Warrior of Light:

The warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and makes these decisions with courage, detachment and-sometimes-with just a touch of madness.

Amen.

Heat is On

Yesterday, I walked four blocks. Had two errands to run. The first was to drop by my boss'es house to get a fax message and the second was to take shots of the Hall of Justice for a website. It was freaking hot at 4 pm. But since I was not getting any exercise, I decided to walk. The jeep detours behind UP and decides to head straight to downtown Iloilo. I went down San Agustin, walked to my boss'es house, then from there, walked to the Hall of Justice. The funny thing was, even though it was very humid, the walk made me feel better. I really need to walk some more.

It's 87 degrees today. My brain is dried up and I can't seem to move an inch without dropping sweat. I carry my electric fan wherever I go. And I can't get myself to work if I feel hot. I take baths two times a day now which is ironic because there is a water shortage. I get headaches if my head heats up.

My boobs are tender and hurt. I don't know if its a warning that my period is getting near. Or it's reminding me to take that operation. Maybe it's just the heat.

Hay Buhay

I'm having a bad day. It's too hot to work and I just got the phone bill. I finally transferred it in my name because I promised my Dad that I'll take care of it. And since I got the DSL going, I thought that it would eventually be my responsibility. But I got the bill and there are charges there that I didn't make. So I feel bummed up again.

I feel like I finally took a step forward and got blown away and found myself reeling two steps back. I was saving my bonus for the operation and for paying for the router. The income I will be getting with doodle was planned to invest on stuff I will be needing for the business. But looks like it will all slip away from my fingers. I also haven't been paid for the overtime work (two of them) I've done for the company this April. I just can't seem to get by no matter how I try. Maybe I just feel more depressed than usual. I haven't done any serious shopping for a long time. I am angry ... because I can't do this. And I hate it! I really hate it. I just want a new pair of shoes. aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh!

I really wish that just this once, I will be spending things on myself. Not on the house, or groceries, not on drinking water, not on the maid's wages, not on phone bills and business investments, but on my selfish, I-don't-need-to-take-care-of-anybody SELF.

I'm not going to Denmark. I think I knew that even before I admitted that to myself. I have too much too give up here. And I don't know if it's wise to live there.

It's labor day today. Isn't it ironic?

tum dee dum de dum de dum

I finally got my prize for that photo contest bit I won a month ago. Got a cool Sony tripod, rechargeable batteries and charger and a cleaning kit for my camera. Now, if I can only get that DSLR, then maybe I'd start feeling like a real photographer. For now, I'm just a wanna be.

Anyway, my younger sister's computer broke down. It probably can't handle the dsl speed. And my older sister's lap top crashed. So I'm the only one left with a computer. Which means, I will need to share it again.

I have no drive to study this week. I get asthma attacks early mornings which makes me feel real tired at work. I have books I want to read but don't feel like reading. Just feeel bored.

I'm watching yet again, the movie Thomas Crown Affair. Yesterday, it was Pride and Prejudice. I tell you, there is something about the British that fascinates me. Maybe it's the accent. I mean, most of the British I see on TV are real interesting, distinguished and intelligent. I wonder if they all are. I even love Billy Elliot.

I'm bored. I will just have to look forward to the Spiderman movie date on Wednesday and the Labor Day holiday. I hate being bored.

blooooging

The good news is I finally got the router configured - after swearing at it and slamming doors and missing American idol. So I'm feeling super-doooper proud of myself that I can follow instructions without hurting anyone. Hehehe. So this means, I can just start my computer and be online any time of the day. Without having to see Weng sulk because she had to get offline. Without having to wait for someone to get off the phone to get to my blog ... blogs ... I have five. With so many, I just maintain one religiously - that's my secret secret blog that anyone smart enough could probably find anyway.This finch one is just for ... hmmmmm ... for public use so I can get feedback from people who go to my doodle website. My secret blog contains all the dirty laundry and everything I write in my other blog goes there too. A repository of all my weirdness. So I keep it away from prying eyes.

Anyway, got my first big client. For a remarkable sum of 5,500 pesos. Hahahaha. I knew I was not going to get rich by following my passions. But they are passions. Web and graphics design make me happy. And if I earn by doing it, then that would be really great. A validation that I have aesthetic and common sense - which I sometimes doubt in myself. But I once said to a colleague, I do it because it's fun. The moment it ceases to be, it then defeats its purpose. And pursuing it would be ... futile. Because it will not give me joy.

I sometimes think that all this talk about happiness is over-rated? But, it's this simple philosophy really that makes me want to live longer. I'm the kind of person that needs meaning, purpose, joy in life. I guess most people do want that but can't seem to have it. Me, I want it more than anything else. And the rest of the world ... is just something we just need to appreciate and enjoy because God put it there for that particular purpose. Very zen don't you think?

Houston, we have take off

Overjoyed! We have Broadband at home! Glee!

The problemn is, my sisters now want a piece of my computer. I don't really mind but I really hate it if I have to wait to work till they finish on my computer. I hope my sister gets hers fixed very soon.

By the way, we went to Lombuyan, San Joaquin yesterday to witness a small tradition. Young men rides on horses and try to shoot their fingers on rings hanging on a line across the road belonging to the young ladies of the village . At the start of the race, they already have one particular ring in mind. If they do get the ring they want, they win a chance to be the first to court the girl for the whole summer. One friend said I should have brought my own ring.

Anyway, with DSL, I might be able to blog some more. Oh happy! Oh glee! Oh joy!

Saturdays

Saturdays have lost its luster. I used to love Saturdays. It's my only chance to sleep through the day and not get out of bed until I get hungry or had to pee. But now, my Saturdays are spent in front of the computer, working extra hours for the office, or working on some project for some added income. Now I know what my Mom felt when she had to teach on weekends just to get seven loudmouths through college.

The business is picking up but sad to say, I still find it difficult to get a client to pay the price I want. Everyone wants cheap labor and instant results. Nobody seems to want quality work anymore. Numbers are important they say. I know numbers are important to me. I do want to get enough for all my trouble. But working is not exciting anymore if I have to count on money more than fulfillment. I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. I will get there. I just need to build a reputation and a steady clientelle. Sigh. I knew it was going to be hard.

Look! I'm in good company: Another Girl At Play

Anyway, a new vector. This time it's of Liam, the small impish Canadian guy that visits the office often, steals my apples, give out tight hugs and big kisses. He turned five a few days ago. Click on the image to see website for bigger view.

Rewards and Punishment

After a grueling three weeks of work, I should be reaping my rewards just about now. Hehehe. But I can't. Because I made plenty of mistakes - minor though they may be - but it has resulted to the postponement of the above mentioned rewards. So I'm being punished instead of being rewarded. It's easy to laugh it off now. The stress has lessened, my ego inflated (you would be too, if you see your work displayed and congratulated), and my soul at peace. But I will be denied of my rewards two days late. And I'm fine with that.

The best part is I get my reading time back. Current read is "The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy:

"Ammu said that human beings were creatures of habit, and it was amazing the kind of things they could get used to."
"It is curious how sometimes the memory of death lives on for so much longer than the memory of the life it purloined."
"It was a time when the unthinkable became thinkable and the impossible really happened."

New vector art to come soon.

Pamalandong

I have been silent online. That’s because I have been very noisy offline.

Just finished a seven-day exhibit at SM City with my Photo Class sponsored by Camera Haus. I unexpectedly won third place over-all and bagged 1st place in the Festival Category. I used shots from my point and shoot Canon Powershot A400 – probably an obsolete camera. I was competing with very expensive DSLRs, which to win was quite magnanimous. Anyway, I got a 3,000 gift certificate from Sony for the third prize and a 500 pesos Sony gift certificate for the Category prize. It would have been useful if I can afford a DSLR but I still can’t. So I might just settle for a tripod and some batteries. Here are my shots:





And with that, I have started helping out for yet another exhibit of Iloilo heritage and illustrious leaders. That kept me busy even till late morning. I haven’t returned to my normal sleeping hours yet.

I’ve also been assigned to help out on games for family day. I was exhausted last Monday. And asthma on the brink of exploding.

And to add to that, it’s the campaign period. And I get jobs left and right for campaign posters, stickers etc. etc. I should be happy that I’m getting added income, right? But it sucks. I get soooooooo tired that sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it. And I’m being paid below my business price. And I hate myself for settling. I should learn to say no. No no no no. Why is that so hard to say?

So I should just put up my feet and rest since it’s Holy Week. But I can’t. I have last minute jobs which will probably take me three days to finish and conceptualize. I dug my grave. All I have to do is lie in it.

So I’m blogging while I can.

By the way, I’m watching a new TV series that I highly recommend to single 30ish women living everywhere. It’s called Number One Single starring Lisa Loeb in ETC. It’s like missing SITC and I really like Lisa Loeb. Wonderful eclectic girl.

I bought an all in one card reader by the way. One more dream come true in my wishlist.