Delta Variant

I reported to work last week a day after I got my negative results for the last swab test. And then I went to work after All Soul's Day thinking everything is now back to "normal". Then I got a call from the City Health Center contact tracer, then a doctor. I was advised to go home, they need me to re-swab. I asked why. They said they just found out that my previous Covid Encounter was of the Delta Variant and they do double re-swabbing for Delta Variant patients just to be sure we don't contaminate anyone because it is said to be more easily transmissible than the regular Covid variants. So I packed my work and headed home again. At home, I got several calls. The first one traced my Covid history - when was I swabbed, when did I get my results, who was I exposed and who did I expose? At home and at work. The second call checked where was I swabbed and to inform me that they will schedule me for my second re-swabbing. The third asked permission to take a picture of my house - for records - just the outside. The fourth asked about symptoms. The fifth informed me that I will be swabbed the next morning. They were not this detailed with questions before they found out that I had the Delta variant. Because it was a bit late considering I had reported to work for at least 4 days before they sent me home.

Anyway, was re-swabbed again for the 6th time this morning - same test - RT-PCR - nose and mouth. And was promised results the next morning. I can't bring myself to sleep or work for some reason. And whatever weight loss I had during the last Covid bout, I gained it all back by stress eating. This is getting ridiculous.

Meanwhile, I put my energy on the fixed up old bedroom which we turned into a walk-in closet and storage area, We marikondo-ed the shit out of that room. Anyway, installed a mirror today, fixed the windows and hopefully re-paint it this weekend. I'm loving this and it's keeping my mind off the test,

Isolation part 2

 I apologize for my last post. It was the after effect of shock - "Isolation Again?!" - DUH?! And peppered with disbelief - "Duwa pa lang gani ka-weeks back to work!". Fever started when I got to bed after a late night of consolidating uniform orders – a thankless job I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I knew I was tired but as soon as I hit the bed at midnight, felt the chills which I covered with a blanket and I wondered if it was normal. Then felt everything painful like it’s all been hidden in a fog of exhaustion that cleared up suddenly. I’ve been in bed for two days. Minimum movement – bathroom, meals, move the laptop. Did make an effort to look decent for my online consult with my pulmo doctor. I kept my humor but it was turning dark which explained the dark post. I hate being sick. I hate headaches the most.

I can’t explain the human body – it’s a moving fragile miracle. I do remember being in awe of how brilliantly God is in putting it all together in a Nat Sci course in San Agustin. Limbaga?- I think was the professor’s name. She explained the functions of the human systems in the course. But she did kick me out of class once. We had exams that day and she postponed it coz she thought we needed one last lecture. I asked to be excused coz I has a headache. She insisted I needed the lecture, got mad, gave me a lecture instead then kicked me out. I got the highest score in the exam. And it was not because I was smart. It was because she was a good teacher. Now I wish I’d told her that.

Anyway, I’m not naturally spontaneous nor patient and I suck at anything medical. I learned to be a bit spontaneous from my deranged family who roll with the punches. I learned PATIENCE in church and government work (no explanation needed – so DO VOTE WISELY PLEASE!). My sisters are the medics. I can’t remember when to take my meds or what they’re called (which explains the “cacophony” Atty. E) – they all sound foreign to me. Illness is a setback that brings out the whiny bitch in me. It’s not planned, takes a while to fester and I can’t explain why the body malfunctions. I work better with a plan, a logical purpose that has nothing to do with body fluids.

So yesterday’s post was me embracing the yin to get to the yang. We tend to skip publishing the dark part and show only happy days. Not for me. Folks, that why we study history (BIG political insinuation here!) – so we don’t forget. We need to see the dark to get to the light coz dark is just the absence of light. Which brings me to the mood today … I woke up … and I made a list. My WaWADuDo list. A sense of purpose that is planned, logical and might need a bit of body fluids that I can cope with. So I’ll be alright. Thanks for prayers, well-wishes, advises and the promise of food (hint hint). While people like me do not thrive in captivity, the Beatles say it wisely, “I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.” Salamat gid sa light. #quarantineblues

2nd Isolation

So back in isolation again. No known exposure, But nag-level-up ang symptoms. Fever, chills, head and body aches, sore throat and cough. Consulted 3 doctors, hoping one of them will say it's just flu. But they needed to rule out Covid first before anything else. Otherwise, I can't get an x-ray or whatever test I need to find out what caused the fever. I have a cacophony of meds now. Kay nag-level up man ang symptoms. So I need to be swabbed again. And I need to pee in a cup to narrow down the possibilities.

I'm not really complaining. Not really. But this isolation thing is growing old quite quickly. I need to work on my PC. The laptop doesn't have the space or the data I need. And the headaches make it hard to concentrate so I take breaks now. Me, on a break?! In the middle of learning MySQL Workbench which I find sooo fascinating. Because I need to beat a deadline. It's absurd.

Wasn't able to bring a single pencil this time so I can't sketch. I've finished all the Avenger movies (24 of them) in my last isolation gig plus I don't think the headaches will allow me to concentrate on any movie. 

This is me feeling helpless. And me angry at the idiot in China who allowed this virus to spread. Because it killed my friends. Because it ruined businesses. Because it starved a lot of people and put too much stress on others who have to take care of others. Because I can't hug the people I love when they need it, when I need it. 

Maybe it's just lack of exercise. The headcahes prevent that. Maybe it's just lack of endorphins. Or maybe I should think of Captain America and say, "I could do this all day" and hit this dark bastard with Thor's hammer.

If there's anything good out of this, I learned what an oxymeter measures, and how to take BP with a digital blood pressure monitor without stopping blood circulation in my arm. Took me three tries.

Do I pray? I do. But God has enough on his hands and probably knows what I ask before I think it. And I have a multitude of friends and relatives  who do pray so I'm imagining the heavens are being stormed by requests right now. - the same one - "Stop na please!" Plus my brother's a priest- not that I'm using my connections to get ahead of anyone here - hehe. Okay, need to rest my eyes and my head. Until my next rant. #quarantineblues

Day 4 - Isolation

Still haven’t got my results but my NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE thoughts seemed to be working. That and the prayers and positive thoughts of friends and family. Salamat gid. Shoutout sa nagpadala  SNR green salad and Cheetos. Amo gid to guro nagpa-ayo sa akon.

I was told that a delayed result could mean a negative swab because they prioritize informing the Covid positive patients first. With that in mind, I’m in no hurry to find out now. 

Yesterday, I got thinking WWADD (WaWADuDo)? What Would Andy Dufresne Do? I am isolated in a small room, very much like the innocent inmate played by Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. The book is just as good (Stephen King). So I made a list of things I have to do just to pass the day.  My Rita Hayworth poster is Wi-fi so imagine the possibilities that could do. I do not have to break out of prison but I need to get through quarantine and get out with lessons learned. I still have the damn headache yesterday, but I took a very long nap, and that made me feel better. Rest is always the best medication to a tired soul. 

I feel better now. Took my meds (Paracetamol for headaches, montelukast and inhaler for asthma, Vitamin C to fight the flu-like symptoms, coffee for sanity). I have a 1.2 liter bottle I have to drink and fill twice a day to make sure I get enough H2O. It’s like rationing but making sure I get more instead of less. Watching all those war and armageddon movies did prove useful. I am sure that I will never survive a zombie apocalypse but I now think I can handle quarantine.

I’ve been working on a small high table, much smaller than I’m used to. And since I have limited movement, I’ve made it a point to do my work standing up. I exercise using You Tube.  I communicate with my boss and co-workers through phone and messenger. If I start feeling sorry for myself, I type my thoughts on facebook (only seen by friends) which is enough to start a conversation and stop me from talking to a volleyball.   

You know you’re bored when you start researching Infinity Stones and the members of MCU. I finished Avengers last night (the 7th of the chronology) and woke up with a list of characters, weapons and the gems in my bedside. Dunno where all that came from.

I also took time to make a new emoji. I will be attending my friend’s virtual funeral tomorrow and attending a virtual mass later tonight so I thought I need to be virtually dressed for the occasion. I know he’d appreciate it, being an artist with a great sense of humor and all. I wished he didn’t have to die alone, as so many Covid patients do. 

That’s why it’s important to me that we all get vaccinated, and obey protocols. It’s easy to forget that in the everyday business of life but I guess, we just need to be constantly vigilant. When I was swabbed, I was thanking the swabber coz I understood the difficulty of donning those PPEs. She answered back, “Kay wala ka bi ga halong!”. I had no comeback to that. I thought I’ve been careful. Apparently, not enough. So (hikbi) no more ice cream for me – or at least indi na pwede magdinaluk sa ice cream. Indi na pwede kahutik miskan ga mask. I just need to figure out how to put a bubble between me and my family when I get home from work. I have no idea how that is possible if you live in a small house, a limited budget and shared space. Being asthmatic, a mask all day is unbearable. WWADD?

To my quarantining friends and family (Covid + or not), you are in my thoughts and prayers, sarangan ta dya!  And make a list … WWADD?!   #quarantineblues

Day 2 - Isolation

It's Day 2 of my 14-day home quarantine. Although that may change soon but I'm thinking NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE swab results - my positive thought for the next few days. I'm thinking saying it thrice will be my good luck charm - not that I ever believed in luck. Pre-quarantine, I’ve been mourning  the death of a friend who died of Covid. Our last conversation in facebook was about sketches and drawings. I orgot his birthday because I was so busy and I felt guilty for that. I haven’t seen him for a long time. I was told he died by keeping himself isolated in his room because he was sick. He was protecting everyone around him. Even at death, he was selfless, as he had been most of his life. I felt lost when I heard of his demise and I grieve for him. He played a great role in my spirituality – I never had any pre-YE. I still have a questionable sense of religion but I do have a firm belief in God which makes all the difference -  to me anyway. He always told me that my relationship  will always be between me and my god so I don’t really care what others say. I have good memories though. The thing about memories is they tear you up or cheer you up depending on where you are in life. And right now, I just feel tired. But I know most of us in this pandemic feel the same, some much worse than others. But I do love him for all that he’s done for me. I lost a few good friends in the span of nine months, but this one though is … just … (weeps). I’ll remember him and I think that’s all we want in death.

On a lighter note, I spent the 1st day doing my 40 minute exercise (walking around the room with Leslie Sansone), got myself swabbed and returned home to help facilitate a General Assembly via zoom for a union that's got 1,902 members. At the end of the day, I had a splitting headache, an itchy throat, an aching back and cough that got me in trouble in the 1st place. I swore it was the ice cream, but you can never be sure about these things anymore. My barangay counts Day 1 as the day I was swabbed and not the day I was exposed to a Covid Positive. Despite the circumstances, I promised myself I will plow through, because really, I have no excuse not to. That, and watching Captain America again last night because all access to cable, netflix, hbo and amazon prime have been left in the our bedroom TV. Captain Rogers said, "I could do this all day" so now I have to for 14 days. I laugh ... on the inside.

So they placed me in the designated quarantine room in the house, the room where suitcases are left to die. Or in the spirit of my NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE thoughts, where suitcases take a vacation until they get used again when we are all allowed to travel in safety. I'd settle for a deserted beach or a quite mountain. so much. Finally had the time to look around my green quarantine room. It was painted green because it was Anang's old room whose favorite color is - guess? When it was painted, Weng and I called the color phlegm green but of course you can never convince her that it can even be that close.  The room, however, is surprisingly good for zoom meetings, instant green screen! I have yet to use that feature though.

So woke up today and decided to make the best of it. Moved the storage boxes (10 of them) and suitcases (6 of them, all with wheels) around so I can have more room to walk with Leslie (look her up in You Tube if you’re stuck in a quarantine room). I made space next to the window so I can look out at the fence dividing our lot and the neighbour’s, Anang's and Doray's plants and Bob’s fix-it shop. Discovered my nephew’s old guitar so maybe I can practice the two songs I know (hehe, that cracks me up). 

My sisters and I are hoarders. It’s not that we don’t want to throw things away. Our problem, which is probably true with the rest of the family, is that we get ideas. Ideas on how to make things better. We tinker with a good gadget and make it worse or in some rare cases, improve its functionality by making it look butt-ugly. And the things that we hoard are stuff that we’ve set aside for some future project. Found plenty of those in the green room. So maybe I can have a few ideas to play with in my 12 remaining quarantine days.

I did manage to bring my laptop, an extra monitor, all my external drives, my art supplies and work in the green room so I will be quite busy. And now that I started with Captain America, might as well watch all the Marvel movies in chronological order every night until the End Game. I’m writing this as I’m having breakfast, delivered at my door with a soft knock during mealtimes. I can request for coffee or anything I need through messenger but I’m not that demanding … not yet. I’m off to do some exercises and bath to keep the spirits up . Then I’ll be working to try to keep my sanity. That will not be so easy. Here’s to NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE results and positive thoughts . #quarantineblues

Learn to chill

I have recently realized that I am in a position that when something breaks, I alone can fix it and when I find myself ill-equipped or unready for the challenge, I panic. Sometimes to the point of a heart attack - well- almost - but not quite.

I don't know why I expect so much of myself. I don't know why I am hard so hard myself. Maybe I just want to be able to achieve some things in this world and I want it too quickly, too much, too fast?

Now I'm just feeling lost. Like there's too much on my plate and I don't know where too start. Last year I started simplifying my life, got rid of some stuff I thought would weight me down but in the process, I started acquiring knowledge I thought would help me get to my next level. But then, they all sort of got mixed together and jumbled out - to the point that it's getting more complicated than simple. So much for minimalism.  Jack of all trades, master of none.

I'm seriously considering taking a break from my business and just focus on learning. But I will lose my clients in the process. Or maybe that's not the way to go. I should learn to collaborate with others. Maybe I should just focus on what thing at a time. I am after all just human and not superhuman. Everything is just overwhelming right now and my focus is all over the place.

I should learn to stop and chill. Meditate. Take time to think this through. Breathe.

Ole Ole!

So I just finished watching Elizabeth Gilbert on TED Talks. And it reminded me that I used to write. And that prompted me to pick up my laptop and just type tonight. Because something peculiar happened this weekend that I need to face and talk about. And examine why it happened.

It was Saturday, and I had a whole list of things to do.

I make websites. And I have this project that requires me to learn a lot of things that I don't have time to learn. Anyway, I was experimenting on doing something which has not worked for about a month and I know I'm missing something and I can't find it. Anyway, I was working on a website, and did something to prepare the site for back-up. After a click, the screen went white which it was not supposed to do. But it did. And I felt fear envelope me and panic set it.

So I stood up and tried to psych myself that it was alright, that it will come back, that the server was just processing something and it will be normal in awhile. I then realized that my hands were shaking and I was panicking. I don't know if it's age or stress or pressure. But I got really afraid of what it was doing to me. Hands shaking, palm sweating, almost-had-a-heart-attack episode - that was just wrong.

After awhile, the site came back. And I was right, the server was processing and it just needed a bit of time. But it bothered me a lot. So I took a break and watched Train to Busan - and I screamed my fear out.

I knew I just need to take time to study about the thing that had happened. That the panic episode was unnecessary had I only read that some websites do that depending on size of data. That I need to practice doing it again and again so that when it happens again, I will not kill myself by hyperventilating. That it will not kill me if the worse happens.

"Every pursuit, every passion, comes with a shit sandwich" - Elizabeth Gilbert. She said that if you get a sandwich while doing the thing you love, and you still want to do it and you feel better doing it than not doing it - then just eat the fucking shit sandwich.

So that panic attack - that hands shaking, palm sweating, almost-had-a-heart-attack episode - was my great shit sandwich this weekend.

And yeah, I still want to make websites. So F*cking Shit! This shit sandwich is horrible but I'm eating the whole damn thing.

P.S. Re: creativity, it helps that this great thing that I do, this thing that helps people somehow, that makes it convenient for other people to get data they need, it does not come from me. So I shout Allah, Allah, Allah! God God God! Ole Ole Ole!

45 Random Lessons @ 45

In keeping up with tradition, let'e celebrate life.

Eternally grateful Lord. Salamat gid.

1. I make my own happiness.
2. I am stubborn, and crazy and I like it.
3. I am braver than I believe, stronger than I seem, smarter than I think (A.A. Milne)
4. Balance is the zen of all bad habits
5. Create! Para sa ekonomiya at para sa sarili.
6. Ideals and principles are guides, not rules.
7. If you want to explore creativity, break your own rules.
8. The world owes you absolutely nothing ... but ...
9. Ask the world and the world will conspire to help you get it
10. Thinking that life will be better in the future is a waste of time. Live now.
11. Save the world because you can.
12. Trying to look good limits my life
13. It is never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be.
14. The God I believe in is all good. Take your negativity elsewhere.
15. Do what you love and you never have to walk a day in your life.
16. Complaining is silly; either act or forget.
17. No one can tell me I can't do it except me.
18. "Plant your own garden. Decorate your own soul. Instead of waiting for someone to bring in the flowers."
19. Money does not make me happy.
20. Material things are best enjoyed in small doses.
21. Don't work hard, work smart
22. Before anything else, ask the right questions.
23. Do not stop questioning. Ask questions until there are no more questions to ask
24. Solve the root of the problem and you will have solved the minor ones too.
25. Love is not a feeling of emotions but a decision of the will.
26. Love consumes. Like pain, it demands to be felt.
27. I don't need many friends. I just need the few true ones.
28. Family is important.
29. If you're born near a holiday like Christmas, people will forget your birthday. So it's either you sulk and count the people who forget. Or call them to celebrate your limitless blessings. It took me 30 years to learn that.
30. Trust is like swimming. The only way to learn is to get into the water.
31. You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown if you stay there.
32. Not being truthful works against me.
33. Helping other people help me
34. Everything I do always come back to me
35. Respect is earned, not demanded
36. I eventually take things for granted over time.
37. Travelling is therapeutic and gives a new perspective for life and creativity.
38. I need people and will have to constantly learn to ask for help.
39. Counting my blessings is my best weapon against despair.
40. Assuming is stifling and mother of all mistakes.
41. Writing keeps me grounded
42. Acceptance and humility is the first step to changing what you hate about yourself.
43. Teach. Impart knowledge. You will learn.
44. If you can't be smart, be funny.
45. "Never take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." (from Bugs Bunny I think)

Marching to a different DO-rum

So I'm quitting school again. My 5th college. My sisters will be furious. I waste money and that's an awful truth. My last three colleges were paid by me - they were not a total waste. I did pick up a few things here and there. Accounting skills for one. And I can now understand shorthand.  

But hear me out - or rather, let me talk coz I'm practicing my speech to those who would be furious - my sisters most likely. 

When I got to college, I didn't know what I wanted to do. So I took up accounting. I liked it but it was just another course. I later discovered that I really don't want to work. I want to DO - to use my skills on work I would love to do everyday. Very few people have that kind of luxury. Most of them are rich enough to be allowed that luxury. I didn't ... at first.

The year I told my mom I quit school, I started working at odd jobs with computers. I finally got a paid job and I was taught Excel - it was easy and the ease of learning it was a revelation for me. I learned to organized data and realized that I've been doing just that at a younger age, on notebooks - lists and expanded lists.

When I got to government work I was pretty good with computers. Then I attended an HTML seminar. I think that totally cleared any  doubt what I wanted to DO. No schools were offering courses on IT then except STI and I was pretty busy making ends meet to even consider school. I was handling expenses when my mom got sick and handled it awhile longer after she died so school was no longer an option. So I learned everything I wanted to learn on the internet. 

I got pretty good and started a small business on my free time - making artwork, logos, print designs eventually, websites. It was the scariest yet the most fulfilling work I've ever done. And I knew this is what I wanted to DO.

I have recently been promoted and my boss encouraged me to finish school because the next position in my line of work will require a degree. I was also in the position where I can now afford to get myself to school but the courses I wanted had steep tuition. On the encouragement of my co-workers and family, I decided to settle to just getting a diploma - cheap, easy - any diploma. So I enrolled.

I am on my 1st semester of my 5th college, to be exact, just after my first exams, when this school offered online IT degree courses. It was a new program, so new that nobody I knew heard about it. Tuition was steep but they allow students to take a few online classes at a time in a trimester enrollment. It will probably take me a lot longer than the current school. But I will surely have computer subjects every effing trimester.

I don't want any other line of work except with computers. I'm not good with people but I know how to handle code - I love handling code. They just hired another IT guy in the office so that makes it 7 guys below me - four of them IT graduates. I'm now at the highest position I will ever be as an undergrad in an IT position and I'm now handling web design because no one else had the experience or the know-how in my division. Even with a degree in a different course, I will probably fare well when I go head to head with any of these guys in web design - but will my current course teach me how to be a better programmer? Probably not. It will probably make me a better division head - and I don't want to be a division head. I have a very specific goal. Think Mike Rowe.

It makes no sense to me to take a course that will make me better at something I do not want to do. It might take me 10 years to graduate but don't great artists suffer for their craft? I will never get rich but that was never what I wanted to be. I just want to be happy ... and to DO things I am passionate about. And if it things don't work out in my current job, I will still be working as a web designer and doing programming jobs on the side.

If that makes me an idiot - well, I'd rather be a happy idiot than a ho-hum graduate. I am where I should be doing what I should DO.

Wok is relative

It's important to me that I love my work. If I can't be rich enough to bask in the sun 24/7, the best thing I can do is enjoy what I do and get paid for it.

Although I make excuses not to go somewhere else to relax because of work, it does not necessarily mean that work is all I do. I do go out with friends, I do take vacations, I do work that I hate and I do work that I love to hate.

I am very much aware that there should be a balance in work and play. But just because you don't see me in facebook basking in the sun, it doesn't mean I'm not getting that balance.

Mini-breaks can be reading a book, watching a movie, coffee or drinks or desserts with friends, or just enjoying time with family at home or somewhere else. All that to me is as enjoyable as dancing in the streets, frolicking in the pool or just enjoying the view. There are different levels of bliss of course. A good balance to me means more smiles than frowns in a day. That to me is a good day.

Chances are, if you don't hear from me, it's probably because I'm having a mini-break or maybe immensely happy with my work ... or play.

And if you do see me in facebook, it's probably because I'm in-between mini-breaks :)

General Motors

My sister and I have decided to try out the General Motors Diet. Mainly because we definitely need a weight loss program because we are obese and bordering on the unhealthy - no, scratch that - we are unhealthy. And since we don't seem to be attracted to the Zumba trend - which is quite strange because we love dancing - we decided to try this one out and see where it takes us a week from now.

So ... I started on papaya this morning.

I have very little self- restraint when it comes to food but I was thinking that if I can't show a little self-control on food for one week - then I'm probably hopeless. But I'm pretty determined to prove to myself that I'm not entirely hopeless. I'm always a possibility. At least I tell myself that haha.

So let's wait and see. Will keep you posted. No hunger pangs yet.

Life is sooo peculiar

So I've been thinking ...

Am I going way over my head by taking new complicated jobs? Or maybe I should take the risk and learn something in the process? I actually looove doing this. It's new and exciting and so much to see and learn. It's quite a challenge. But it scares the hell out of me.

What was that movie about change? That when you see change happening, your heart beats faster, adrenalin starts pumping and everything around you goes on alert mode. Because it's expecting, it's waiting for something to explode, go wrong or maybe that magical moment, when everything goes right as planned! Because as much as change is the most life threatening experience you'll ever encounter, it's also probably the most exhilarating event that you will remember most when you grow old.

So here I am again. Rationalizing fear. Justifying. Pushing myself to take a leap when I'm most at my most logical and safe being.

I can't be satisfied. Life is too big of an adventure to just say, "I'm okay here. Let me stay here. Don't bother me here." There's a rebel inside me somewhere ... a Darna. Right now I can't see her. But hell, I'd like her to show her ugly head and kiss tomorrow goodbye. Co'z life is too short.

I need to have a little faith in me. And some courage would not hurt a bit.

Carpe diem.

Letting Go of Atticus

If you've been reading this blog long enough, you now know I have this weird habit of naming my gadgets - just so I can differentiate which files go where. I also have the bad habit of naming them from characters of books and movies I just read that I get obsessed about. That's because I also get obsessed about my gadgets.

My first computer was named Kimberly - a second-hand computer that was named after a passing dialogue from a movie by Meg Ryan which was bought for a measly P12k which was then quite too steep for me. My second computer was also bought second-hand but was way better than Kimberly because it had an LCD monitor, and a more upgraded capabilities. That one was named David from David Cook whom I had a huge crush on for turning a Mariah Carey song to a rock ballad. David was later replaced by Arun, a brand new I-really-couldn't-afford-him PC, named after a character from an Amir Khan movie his wife made. After David, I got a laptop called Atticus - the wise Attorney from the book To Kill a Mockingbird.

Which brings me to this post. Atticus retired last week. His batteries was no longer working, his power cord was replaced and now needs to be replaced again. His keyboard gets stuck and can't type. So when I finally bought a new laptop to replace Atticus (named Katniss Neverbeen), had to give away Atticus to people who might be able to fix him and find some use for him and his parts.

So now I have five unforgetable partners in my digital world. Tande - the PC from work, Arun- a personal PC, Jon Snow - my smart phone, Arya- my tab and Katnis Neverbeen. I'm sure if any of these retire, and since I never forget working so hard just to afford them, I will soon write a fitting tribute to one of them to say goodbye.

Goodbye tticus. You served me well.

So here the thing ...

I'm having a bad day. Come to think of it, I've been having a hell of a month. But today, just this particular day is just not the day I'm very much happy about. It is just plain and simply a bad day, the baddest day of the week.

I am having a very busy day, but then again, I'm always busy. And I like being busy. I am busy because I like helping people. So much so that a lot of them just sort of gets drawn to me whenever a similar problem comes back again. And mind you, when I help people, I'm not very polite. In fact, I'm mostly quite sarcastic. Mainly because they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. And we keep meeting up because I end up answering the same problem over and over again.

Which leads me to think if it's any good trying to be helpful to people. Because then, you become their go-to-girl, and it doesn't matter if you've just recovered from pneumonia, or are having coughing fits due to the sudden changes in temperature or are also busy just to keep your life together. It doesn't matter because their tasks are sooo much more important than what you're doing right now.

Which pisses me off when people try to be helpful. Because I'm tired and just had a bad day and trying to control coughing fits. And any advice of how to get better just gets me agitated because I CAN'T. I'm in a middle of a lot of stuff that I can't get out of. And I don't like to stay in bed and get massages because I don't like massages from strangers I don't know.

Which brings me to this thing ... I like being busy even if being busy is slowly taking me nearer the grave - I'm not afraid to die. My fear is more on prolonged agony. If I took the advice of everyone afraid for my health, I wouldn't have lived long enough to have done the things I did. Because to me, I have lived and am still living, and doing something I really love doing is my absolute peace and my absolute hell ... and there are days when there's no where I ever want to be than to be in this exact same state. It's where I thrive. It's where I hold my breath only to start breathing again. This is how I live. It makes me happy and depressed at the same time.

So here's the thing ... I don't like people telling me how I should live unless I ask them to. It's my life, my death, my regret, my choice.

And if you're still reading this, you know me well enough to know that there's nothing you can do about it. See, I choose my friends wisely.

Why not

So it's 3:20 a.m. and I'm wide awake. I called in sick yesterday because of a heavy asthma attack the previous night. It has developed into a sickly sore throat that makes me cough. Had a mild fever in the afternoon and spent the rest of the day lying down with half my body propped up in a pillow so I can breath. So now I can't sleep again because it feels like I'm drowning when I'm lying down. So decided to research my meds on the web and one website led to another and finally I made it back here. So I said why not?

I really have nothing much to say. I'm working hard, sometimes pretty hard that I can hardly give anything focus because I fly from one thing to another. I know I should slow down and maybe wrap my head on what I really want to do with my life. For some reason, I feel very tired.

It's normal for people to have highs and lows in their lives. I think I've been having too many lows. Which worries me. But it's not something I can't do anything about. I think I'm waiting for a boost, or a push, or a smack in the head to get me going. But I've been saying that for a long time now ... hmmmm.

What am I doing? I sure don't know what I'm waiting for.

My stomach is rumbling and I'm not even hungry. Makes me think of my mom.

Half a League

Whenever happy thoughts of my mother appears in my reverie, a poem comes to mind. The Charge of the Light Brigade by Tennyson.

She was telling us a story of Tatay when he had been a judge to a declamation contest in Passi and a child came up the stage and recited that poem with a very ... wet resemblance of English diction. She would then imitate the poem from memory - bad delivery and all and we  would all burst out laughing. You have to really hear it to understand. I knew the poem but I can only recite it the way Nanay would - funny and badly.

Recently however, I was watching this Sandra Bullock movie on TV and the poem came up. And there it was explained the irony and sorrow of the soldiers who had to go to war. It was said that Tennyson wrote it just after reading about the Battle of Balaclava during the Crimean War.

Read the poem in that light today.

As a pawn in the sea of political humanity, you begin to wonder what honour is.

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a league, half a league,

  Half a league onward,

All in the valley of Death,

  Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!

Charge for the guns' he said:

Into the valley of Death

  Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'

Was there a man dismay'd?

Not tho'(though) the soldiers knew

  Some one had blunder'd:

Theirs not to make reply,

Theirs not to reason why,

Theirs but to do and die:

Into the valley of Death

  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon in front of them

  Volley'd and thunder'd;

Storm'd at with shot and shell,

Boldly they rode and well,

Into the jaws of Death,

Into the mouth of Hell

  Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,

Flash'd as they turned in air

Sabring the gunners there,

Charging an army while

  All the world wonder'd:

Plunged in the battery-smoke

Right thro' the line they broke;

Cossack and Russian

Reel'd from the sabre-stroke

Shatter'd and sunder'd.

Then they rode back, but not

Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon behind them

  Volley'd and thunder'd;

Storm'd at with shot and shell,

While horse and hero fell,

They that had fought so well

Came thro' the jaws of Death,

Back from the mouth of Hell,

All that was left of them,

  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?

O the wild charge they made!

  All the world wonder'd.

Honour the charge they made!

Honour the Light Brigade,

  Noble six hundred!

—Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Sad Day

I buried a friend of mine today. He was 41 years old and didn't want to die. In fact, he wanted to be on his toes by Christmas time to join us in parties and small get-together. But such was not his fate and I went out to Mina today to say one final goodbye to his body. Tonight, I will be meeting up with old high school friends to celebrate his life and we will remember him as he was alive and how he would have loved to join us in such occasions.

During the mass today, I realized my own mortality. I've been talking about death in this blog and kept talking to people that I'm sooo ready for it. That it was everybody's finale - and that everyone will have to go through it at one point of their life. Just ... not now.

I guess when you're on the verge of death, you will always wish you didn't have to go. Maybe because you realize that there's so much more reason to live .. and to see ... and to talk about.

I will be spending time with my family in a few days and I've been looking forward for weeks. I can't die now. Not yet.

are you still having fun?

You are on your own
You do as you please
Having so much fun
Gone and lost your reason
After all is said and done
Well are you still having fun?

 - Eagle Eye Cherry, song "Are You still having fun"

Went clothes shopping today. That's because I had to get rid of a lot of clothes in my closet because I no longer fit them. I'm in panic but I can't seem to stop eating nor bring myself to get back jogging.

Damn. Being stressed is an old and worn-down excuse for eating what you shouldn't. Work should not be prioritized before personal well-being. Tiredness and asthma cannot be an excuse to avoid exercise.

I know all these in theory. Now if only I can summon all my will-power to get to work on the weight loss and the being healthy bit of my day-to-day existence, I'll be fine.

I cannot wait for inspiration. I cannot wait for a kick in the head. The only motivation I should need is that I love myself and I want to be able to feel more comfortable with my body.

Now na. Now na. Now Na! Gadarnit!

It's Just a movie

Just finished the Iran-Iraq movie called "Turtles Can Fly". I started it yesterday and thought it was too heavy so I decided to put it off for tonight. Damn! Now that I'm done with it, I can't be done with it. I'm very disturbed. I can't even say it's good because it was so dark, it's unspeakable. Was it effective? No shit! Yes, it cuts through, bleeds you until you wish you didn't get to finish it.

And this was just after I saw the Rachel Weisz movie about human trafficking in Bosnia - The Whistleblower a few nights ago.

Enough dramas and true-to-life films. It;s just too damn depressing.I now need major cheering up.

It's only a movie, right? But sometimes it's just not.

Time of the Season

So I buried my dad about two weeks ago. Technically, I'm still in mourning mode - the basis being that I haven't bawled like a baby just yet.

I did when Nanay died nine years ago. It happened during the wake. I started crying and just couldn't stop. I was inconsolable for a few minutes and can't get a hold of myself. So they let me cry until I ran out of tears or until my eyes looked like they just had their period.

I think I'm undergoing a different kind of mourning. And even I wonder how many kinds there are. For one, we haven't cleaned out Tatay's room just yet. We cleaned out Nanay's closet about two weeks after her funeral. It was more therapy and closure really. Plus we needed to make the place more livable for Tatay then, when he would be sleeping alone and  didn't need a constant reminder that he was sleeping alone.

Two days after we buried my dad, we went to a neighbor's wake - one of tatay's good friends in the olden days. Two days after that, we also buried my aunt, my mom's older sister. And when I went to work on Monday, I had to set-up a video screen for yet another wake - another of Tatay's political cronies. And then about five days after, I went to attend the funeral of a friend's mom. You'd think that this would make Nov. 1 so much fun now since everybody will have yet another reunion at the cemetery. While that could be true, I still think I need to bawl and I don;y know why I haven't yet.

Death is final. It's the only sure and constant thing that will happen to everyone at any point in their lives. I think that is why we were never to keen at taking pictures during the death of a love one. Aside from the fact that people are not really too sure if they should smile for the camera when they're standing beside a coffin, I am just not comfortable of pictures during a funeral. Well, maybe for documentation later on . Maybe we need proof that we were at someone else's funeral?

I avoid looking in coffins. I personally hate funeral make-up - no offense to the make-up artist - considering they are working with dead people who cannot  suck in their cheeks to show their cheekbones for the artist. No, I just don't like remembering my dead that way. I want to remember them living, moving, laughing. I want to celebrate their life and not their deaths. I want to remember how they lived.

The funny thing is, our community celebrated Halloween today. Our neighbor helped decorate the front driveway with two ghosts, and some pumpkin heads to get the kids into the mood while trick or treating. Our own little boy, dressed in his Superman costume was scared shitless of the ghosts outside the driveway and couldn't bear to go outside without company. So much for wanting to keep things funny and enjoyable. At least, it did what it was set out to do - to scare innocent kids. I wonder why we find that funny. Maybe it's nostalgia for the days when we were scared shitless ourselves when we were small.

And so tomorrow, we will again go to the cemetery to visit our dead on November 1. We had set-up a tent, flowers and candles for the ocassion. We should bring pictures of our parents too = to make it easier to remember why you're there in the first place.

You'd think that all these signs of mortality looming in front of us would want us to live better lives. But no, we didn't buy healthy food to bring the to the cemetery tomorrow. We bought comfort food because technically, we are still in mourning.